Self separation part 1

8/23/21

At the moment i feel uncomfortable about going to my job this morning. I am currently on my way over there.

Why do i feel uncomfortable? How do i feel uncomfortable?

I feel uncomfortable as i experience fear of going there and being around all those people.

Why?

Because in my mind i perceive that i am not good enough for the people there, that i am not accepted. And i have, as usual, my insecurities around being perceived as gay. But really, i mean even if i had never anal masturbated or done anything that is labeled as gay in my entire life, or in otherwords even if that perception or idea was out of the way i think or see that i would still be uncomfortable and still experience fear. Fear of what? Fear that i am not cool. ; that i will act in any way that will make others be disinterested in me as in them not being like "i like this guy, this guy is so cool" and basically have admiration and apreciation for me. In my words i can see that i want others to give me appreciation and admiration FOR me; in otherwords i want them to do this for me, instead of me having to do this myself.

Apparently who i really am deep down, beneath my mask, is not good enough, is too ugly, too despicable, too disgusting - and so others will not like me; and when i look at this right now i see that in my mind i equate others not liking me to others disliking me; and others disliking me means others not being nice to me, and this leads me to my early childhood memories of my cousins, who were like my best friends, picking on me and the experience of me not liking that and me wanting them to stop. Other people picking on me is something that happened throughout most of my life and i wished that it would have stopped, that others would of valued me and treated me as such, as someone who is valuable; and i see that i am traumatized in the sense that i fear those memories, and i dont want these situations to reoccur in my life........; its like i have my guard up all the time. No wonder i am so scared of just being myself and loosen up and open up... because i dont want to experience situations such as the ones i described - as in that i fear them.

Why do i fear them?

Because they are uncomfortable.

Why are they uncomfortable?

Fuck i dont know or im not sure. Maybe because i defined and thus perceived them as 'bad'. Because i believe and have the idea that when such situations happen something 'bad' is happening, that something bad is happening to me.

8/21/21 the impulse to masturbate

 8/21/21

Today ive been getting these urges to just start watching images, the kind of images i use to masturbate to the mind, on my phone. And every now and then for some moments it feels like suddenly the urge or impulsive desire to start watching images and most likely after that start masturnating to them for a moment pushes me near the point of accepting and allowing myself to actually do it; as if this wave comes at me and nearly brushes me off my feet; but it hasnt yet and its been 4 days since i last masturbated.

I forgive myself that i want to masturbate. i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that if i were to allow myself to masturbate what i would really be allowing would be for myself to allow the mind to upgrade its systems, that thats really the reason behind why i want to masturbate, behind the desire and behind why i perceive i want to masturbate.

So what comes up is this desire to masturbate because i just want go into that experience, because it feels so good, and i can just have a good time for a while, and feel so alive, and its so delicious and fulfilling for some moments.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to desire to masturbate. I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to be controled by my desire to masturbate.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to disreguard and ignore the real consequences to my participation in the addiction to masturbating to images as masturbating to the mind as upgrading its systems and evolving it even fuether and consuming my physical human body and suppressing my mind and myself.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself at moments to check out women or even for some moments go into my imagination to get a little taste of the experience as i for a few seconds try to remember what it feels like when i am possesed in the masturbation to images and even drugs moment, which is like a way that i tease myself. But theres no point in teasing myself even for a few seconds if i have made the decision to quit permanently. Me allowimg myself to try to get a little taste for a few seconds of the experience is the same as acceping and allowing myself to actually fall into it because even if i just imagine it for even one instant, deliberately, i have already accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to images as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to chose masturbation to images as the mind as living in self interest saying "fuck everyone else i just care about my energetic egotistic experience in spite of what other beings are going through in this world" - that i have allowed myself to chose this over life here as who i really am as one and equal with all in support to myself and all that all may experience what is best eternally as heaven on earth; that i have given up something so magnificent and worthwile for a very limited and finite and consequential addiction/experience because im too scared and too depressed and to self judgmental to see how a far better world is possible, and that the way in which i'll experience myself within this world and even in creating this new world will be by far more fulfilling.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to abuse life and throw it away in the name of my egotistic self interest where i exist not even truly happy but rather i am miserable because i hate myself more and more the more i participate in this addiction.

I commit myself to continue supporting myself in the ways i know how which is by consistently using techno tutor, writing/sf/sc, breathing, and listening to eqafe interviews. And when and as i see myself wanting to masturbate i stop breath and realize that all i am doing is allowimg the mind to upgrade its systems to further enslave myself and further abuse and consume my physical human body and essentially abuse life as all of life in this entire existence. I commit myself to find a way or ways in which i can effectively release myself from this addiction once and for all so that i may finally live.

8/13/21 Panic attack when walking away from work part 3

 

8/13/21

I am judgmental. Every day or almost eberyday i find catch myself judging other people. But perhaps it is to an extent irrelevant to think that i need to stoo judging other people because those hudgments are actually judgments i have toward myself, which in order to not see and aknowledge these self-judgments (because perhaps i do not know how to go about them) i project them onto other people and judge them instead.

Thus, a practical exersice here, i consider will be for me to every time i catch myself nudging another, to stop, breathe, and ask myself where within myself am i judging myself in the same way. I thing this could be an exersize theough which i can allow and enable myself to start coming more to terms with, and with more specificity, my self-judgments, which to my understanding are what is haunting me.

8/12/21 panic attack when walking away from work part 2

 

8/12/21

...So, i was already in that 'panic attack mood'.

Why did i experience fear that i would look gay to the other employees?

What does this reaction and the thouggts that came along with it show me about myself?

What does it mean about myself?

What exactly of or about or from myself am i projecting onto other that i perceive that i am actually afraid of how others see me, instead of realizing that i am merely really just looking at a teflection of my own mind through other people?

I experiences fear because i have an issue of fear within myself. I think that essentially who i fear is myself. I fear my own judgments of/about myself that i have creates in my mind. So, this means that i am not afraid of how others see me or what they think about me, but that i am afraid of how i see me and what i think of/about myself. This means that its not that i dont want to walk in front of other people sometimes because i fear them seeing me as gay or whatever, but that i fear seeing myself, my own messed up judgmental and fearful mind amd relationship toward myself.

So a question here is, what are the judgments i have in myself that i fear looking at, and why?

Sf

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to perceive and think that i was afraid of how others would see me, that they would think i am gay and judge me negatively, instead of seeing realizing and understamding that i was just seeing myself as in a reflection of myself as my own mind theough others the whole time.

8/11/21 panic attack when walking away from work

8/11/21

Today i had an experience of a panic attack when i was walking away from my work place after i had just gotten out off work. So i was walking and since we had all or many of us employes at my job gotten off at the same time several of them past me on their vehicles as i was walking (since i dont have a vehicle).

So, shortly after i got out of work and started walking my way i experienced fear. I feared that i would look gay to the employes that were passing by me on their vehicles by how i was walking. This is how i consciously perceived it.

As i was experiencing this i was trying to relax my body and to an extent i did, but i didnt quite manage to be okay with the way i was walking. It bugged me. And i am sure there was some physical tension in my body but i dont recall exactly where in my body i was tense.

What i noticed is that i was already in that particular 'mood'.

8/10/21 paranoid when walking across the long hall part 2

8/10/21

I dont know exactly why this happens to me? What i can say is that i think it happens because of the extent to which i have accumulated emotional reactions and conpounded them by suppressing them. I think masturbating to images for so many years since i was a teenager had a lot to do with my mind ending up the way it did. That and also all the drugs i did for all those years.

The way that i can change this is by continuing to regularly use techno tutor consistently, to relisten to and walk the panic attack series on eqafe, to quit masturbation to images and drugs, to continue DIP soon, to continue writing regularly, to continue breathing. To continue writing about my experiences with panic attacks to release myself from them.

To stop experiencing myself as a victim of fear i have to allow myself to stop hiding from myself, for example to stop hiding in masturbation to images, and in emotional-eating, so that who i have accepted and allowed myself to become can start coming up more and more and thus i can have access to it and face myself once and for all.

How i can become completely confortable with the way i move and not care or be bothered with what others think or say about me... well for that i need to quit masturbation to the mind for sure. Also i have to apply what the panic attack series is showing me. I also think after a while of doing DIP i will be better off in this respect. Basically i need to face myself and stop hiding so that i can let go of the guilt and shame as i stand up and live a life of self-responsibility and self-honesty. I also think TechnoTutor will play a very important role or be a very important part in me being able to face all this and set myself free from /release myself from it

SF

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to experience myself as and exist as fear and worry and insecurity as i would walk through the hall. I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear the idea that others might by the way i walk and move be able to tell that i have many times experienced anal masturbation/anal sex.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will judge me for having had allowed myself to indulge in the experiences of anal masturbation and anal sex and indulging in feeling feminine and submissive/ woman-like even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to be concerned with or care for or worry about and fear what othes will or might think or say about me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear and care and be concerned with and worry about what others will or might think or say or do if they note that i have allowed myself to indulge in the experiences of anal masturbation and feeling femenine and wanting to feel like a woman even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to tense up my whole body out of the fear and stress that i will not be able to hide that i have indulged in anal sex and anal msturbation and that i liked it and that i liked feeling feminine and submisive and woman like.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear losing control over the way i moved my body that it will tense up and show that i am afraid that others will know or think by the way that i move that i have anal masturbated and that i liked feeling feminine.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear and worry about and care and be concerned with the possibility of others laughing at me and seeing me as something like less-than if i have a panic attack and they note that i have been feminine and anal masturbated desiring to be a female even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will think and say that i am pathetic.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will not respect me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear others not generally finding me aesthetically pleasing and therefore not being interested in me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear looking like a fool.

The question here is how did i create these fears? What do they or can they reveal and show me about myself and who i am? Because i have to bring all of this vmback to myself and stand accountable. So that i may take complete self responsi ility in self honesty.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear that people who have approved of me in a way and been kind towards me will become digusted with me and dissapointed in me if they know or think that i have anal masturbated many times before.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to live in fear of dissapointing other people.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to live confined within fear of having confrontations with other people.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that others will see that i am very scared and ashamed.

8/9/21 paranoid when walking across the long hall

 8/9/21

I remember about 4 years ago when i used to work at a greenhouse. In that greenhouse whenever i had to go to the restroom i haf to walk across a long part of the greenhouse, a long hall, to get from the place where i regularly did my job at and the restroom. On the sides of that long hall were many rows of plants on each side and in or besides those rows were people working. I remember that often, if not almost all the time, when i would walk past that long hall i would have this fear or concern in me. I would be very self-conscious of how i looked as in how i moved as i walked. There was a stress within that. A fear. I feared that i would walk in a way that people would notice or be able to tell that i would participate in anal pleasure, anal sex, anal masturbation. That was how i consciously defined amd perceived my experience of fear and the idea that went along with that fear. I would say that not all the time i experienced the fear overwhelming me as in a panic attack. But there was always or almost always that concern in my head, that worry. So as i would walk i would try to hold myself together. Basically, another way of saying it is that i was paranoid, very paranoid. For example i would tilt my head back a bit as i walked, and for a while i thought it looked masculine to do that, but then later on i started thinking that i was tilting my head back the same way as when i would anal masturbate and so i became scared of me doing that.

Other examples are that i wouldnt just loosen up my waist and hips because i feared the would .aybe move to much sideways or in a way that gave the impression that i am gay or whatever. Or i would also worry expecially with the movement of my feet and legs and how i thought it looked. For example i would worry that perhaps i would pick up my feet a little bit to high off the ground as i would take each step.

One thing i recall is that my back was often stiff. I mean actually i general have seen this when i generally experience this fear. My shoulders will be stiff to and also my neck. And also my waist and sometimes my chest amd also my feet and my legs and my ass.

Why did/does this happen?

How can i stop this and free/release myself feom living this way, experiencing myself this way?

How cam i stop experiwncing myself as a victim to fear?

How can i become compmetely comfortable with the way i move and with who i am, wherein i do not fear what other think or say about me nor does it bother me whatsoever? Because this is the way i want to start experiencing myself. I want to enjoy the experience of myself in this life, in this world.

8/8/21 safely hidding in my fear

8/8/21

I remember about 13 years ago when i was walking back from a school after hanging out for a while with and dropping off a girl i was sort of dating back then. I was walking on the side of a canal. The saide of the canal was a path of dirt and the loose dirt had a little bit of depth to it, so it wasnt as solid or firm as much of the dirt i have usually walked on.

The thing about walking in that dirt was that when i would step forward as my front step came into contact with and pressed on and over the ground it would slide back with the dirt as i was picking up my other leg giving the next step.

On the other side of the canal was a group of gangsters who would smoke weed there. So as i pased by them i had a panic attack. I was in extreme fear. The idea i had in my conscious mind with that fear was that i was so scared that i am walking the way i am walking because it reveals that i like anal pleasure, such as sticking objects up my ass or being fucked in my ass.

So i was walking past them and i thought that the way i walked showed even more than usual that i was someone who liked it in and would get it in the ass because of the way my feet would slip back over the loose dirt.

When i look at the memory one thing i see is that i experienced a sense of not being in control. I didnt want to walk the way i did but i wasnt able to control that. Especially with the dirt being so loose. ...Being in that experience where i was experiencing a panic attack my body would stiffen. And i didnt have control of how my legs would move; actually how my whole body would move. I couldnt relax my body. I was in shock.

I experienced a lot of fear and a lot of shame.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to experience a panic attack as i walked past the group of gangsters that were smoking weed.

In those moments some of the thoughts that appeared in my head were me hearing voices in my mind as in those voices being what i perceived i could hear them saying such as "look at that guy, damn" "that sucks huh" "look at that guy he's a faggot" "look at the way he walks". But i didnt hear them clearly. So i am not sure if i was twisting the sounds i was hearing into those words, where what i was hearing wasnt really happing, or wether i really heard what they were saying.

On top of that i was very high on weed in that moment which made my panic attack experience feel more intense.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to smoke weed and thus made my experience of the panic attack more extensive.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to believe that those gansters were judging me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to think that those gansters were judging me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to look straight into my mind, not stopping it but instead being very possesed by it, when it is because of me clinging onto the mind to define my experience that i got so consumed by it.

I forgive myself that i did not allow myself to stop my mind and ground myself as my presence here with my physical human body and my breath as i stop my thoughts.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to experience my human physical body become very stiff, as if the stiffness would in some way protect me.

I forgive myswlf that i allowed myself to cling onto my mind in the experience of the panic attack as if the mind would in some way protect me or keep me secure.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to believe that i am safe within my thoughts and ideas with which i can define my experience and touch it in a way.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear stopping my thoughts and being here with my human physical human body and my breath as i believed that if i am just here without my thoughts i will not be able to control my experience.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to try to be safe in my thoughts. I forgive myself that i allowed myself to believe that i am safe in my thoughts, or at least more safe than without them outside of them here in the physical where i dont have my thoughts to manipulate myself with.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to believe and think that i am safer hidding in my mind than if i let go of my thoughts by stopping them and am here in the physical with myself where i am not able to manipulate what i am seeing and feeling with my thoughts.

What i have believed is that if i let go of my thoughts i will not be able to manipulate my experience in a way in which i hide, and if that happens i will just be exposed and the ugly will come out and i am afraid of experiencing that, because i will lose control. I will be vulnerable. And all will be able to see me as that which ive been so desperately hidding for a long time.

I commit myself to continue writing about my past panic attack experiences to start releasing myself from them.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear facing my fear as being vulnerable and exposed if i stop my thoughts during a panic attack and ground myself here in my human physical body, where what i am desperately trying to hide will be revealed as my body begins to move the way it does and my fear just completely comes out and others see it.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear having my fears come out and be exposed where i and everyone else gets to see what i am scared of.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define who i am through my fear of being exposes that i have anal masturbated and had anal sex, at the price of me living imprisoned in an idea and fear not being able to experience being alive as hiw much more there is here in existence and in/of myself than this idea and fear of having my little secret exposed.

Once my fears come out then i do not have to keep fearing them anymore and i can be free of having to hide and i can rather start expressing myself more and more.

When and as i see myself that i am experiencing a panic attack or i am approaching a situation where i see i am going to experience a panic attack in a few seconds or minutes, i stop my thoughts during the experience of the panic attack, i stop my thoughts even before the panic attack, and also after (i mean like a minute or so before and after or at least like 10 senconds or some seconds, eapecially before), i breathe, i realize that i am either going to be the slave to my fears and what i fear happening or i am going to be free from it by not allowing it to control me, and that if i want to set myself free from living hidding in fear then i need to stop hidding my fears ( especially concerning this particular fear of walking and it showing that i have an anal fetish), and so i ground myself in my physical human body here. I commit myself to walk a process wherein i face my fears (i mean more my abstract fears as what i fear others thinking of me) so that i can release myself feom them.

For everyone to be able to see me as what i hide in fear to be able to stop being hidden but rather seen by others is a good thing. It doesnt mean i have to go out there and put it in other people's faces but just that i am not attempting to control my enviornment by hidding wherein i am really hidding from myself.

Well, i commit myself to give this a try and see how it goes.

8/6/21

I forgive myself that i have accespted to live in fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted to judge fear.

I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to fear tye experience of fear.

I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to fear not being prepared for fear and thus worrying constantly about neing secure, because i am insecure, because i fear that which i pwrceive as unpleasant such as fear, such as perceiving that that which i fear being exposed of me, which i feel ashamed of, will become exposed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go mad qith fear and worry and panic about others possibly catching me, getting caught, that i have been somwthing which would fall into the category of gay because i pleasured myself and or experiwnces many times feeling an object or my fingers going through my butthole inaide my rectum, as a form of masturbation, wherein i would pretend to be or try to feel that i am something like a woman in those moments while most of thoae time i would simultaneously watch i.ages of girls asses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to live in shame of what i accepted and allowed myself to do. I forgive myself for acce pop ting and allowing myself to fear what other pwople think. I forgive mysekf for creating extebsive amd extreeme inner conflict within myself and my life. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear exposure. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowimg myself to fear experiencing myself as exposure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to fear experiwmcing myself as vulnerability. And thus within this i forgive myself that ive allowed myself to remain emcaged and imprisoned in fear amd self hatred. I forgive myself for not allowing myseof to see that i hate myself because i cant or havent allowed myaelf to be myself and express who i am as breathing. I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to judge homosexual mem as diagusting or unworthy of my reapect. I forgive myself for not reakizing that my judgment iver gay men was a reflection of the judgment that i had and have over and of my self. I forgive myself for not realizing that the hayred that ive haf towards gay men is really just the hatred that i have towards myself where i would project it onto gay men out of fear of dealing with it as facing my self hatred. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to beliwvw that i am not worthy if respect. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beliwvw that i am less than others because i have believe that i am not good enough to stand equal to others. I forgive myself for not accepting amd allowing myself to see amd realize amd understand and comprehend essentially how and why i am in reality equal to wveryone and wveruthing here in existence, and that if i become less than everyone it is because i decides that that was who i was to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for how i feel so inferior and ashamed of myself because they are judgmental instead of seeing realizing amd understanding that if i am inferior and ashamed it is becaused that is who i decided i will be, it was my own deed towards myself.

... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am unworthy of equality. I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to become consumed with shame and self pitty. I forgive myself that i have avvepted and allowed myself to be and feel ashamed of myself. I forgive myself for not allowimg myself to realize that i am the one fueling my own shame, wherein i continue to judge myself and that self judgmet keeps me livi g a life that i am ashamed of. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize tbat i hatr myself because i judge myswlf. I forgive myself for nudging myself. I forgive myswlf for judging myself because i am scared to live as i fear seeing myself. I forgive myself for not realizing that i judge myself because i fear being here with myself and seeing myself as all that i have accepted amd allowed myself to exist as. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i nudge myself because i fear standing euqal and one to/with myself here. I forgive myself for acceptimg and allowing myself to fear being my conplete self. I forgove myself for not allowimg me to have access to myself because i separate myself feom myself as parts of myself because i judge myself and therefore i am broken abd incomplete amd unfulfilled left looking and searching for fulfilment when that fulfilment i look for is self fylfillment which is already here as myself as who i really am in its totality.

I realize that which i fear experiencing and fear lossing are the doors to myself. Its parts of myself that ive aeparated myself from which i am resisting. But taking back those parts of myself is what will bring me to self completeness, to self fulfilment. Thus, oddly what i fear is self co pketeness, self fulfilment; myself.

Some words that come up in relation to yhis arr the words 'exposure' and 'vulnerability'. Living those words would give me access to myself. 

8/5/21

I forgive myseof for allowing mysepf to fear my own insanity.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the experience of fear itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to fear the experience of fear itself

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear experiencing fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear ecperiencing myself going insane with emotions such as fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear fear

Or dear feeli g fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear talking to leslie

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i must talk to leslie

I forgive myself for allowing myswlf to fwar aknowlwedging and or accepting that i sinpky dimt know

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear not to know what to do or who to be in a certain situation

I forgive myself for living in self judgment

I forgive myself for judging myself

8/1/21 my ex caught me part 2

 8/1/21

It was a big deal for me that that girl saw me because ...well because i am scared that people will know what i have done when i do that and it is just something i have feared and especially when its someone that i know. I fear that they will not accept me. Its wierd though because why is it such a big deal whether they accept me or not?

So, i mean, i feared that she would judge me in that moment. I feared her seeing me in such a fucked up mind state because my shame about that is very extensive. What comes up is that this shows me that i have a big fear of seeing my shame. So yes it was a reflection of my own shame.

What i feared losing was my protection from my own shame.

I can come up with a lot of assumptions as to why i experience what i experience but the truth is that i dont really know. That is why it is important for me to start DIP asap so that i can educate myself and start to really understand my mind more and more.

I feared losing my ...my shield under which i hide; my facade i guess. I feared her knowing who i really am as in who i have allowed myself to become. Why? Because i am ashamed of who i have become as far as the whole anal masturbation thing but its not just the anal masturbation in itself, but also all the physical consequences that i have caused my body (and mind)by participating in masturbation to porn and drugs.

Though even before those consequences manifested i was already very fearful of others knowing that i was anal masturbating. Why? Because i see it as 'bad'. I was very homophobic as a child, and so that same judgment that i imposed on gay feminine men when i was a little boy was a reason for me to fear being a gay feminine man myself. Because now i had to deal with my own judgment, and the very meassure of my judgment toward gay men became the very measure of the extent of shame and fear i experienced when i would anal masturbate. I was very ashamed. So the way i see it is that i "got a taste of my own medicine", as they say.

A question now is - how do i correct this? How do i get out of this mess i got myself into? I want to know the answer to this question. I have a lot of questions about how i am sabotaging myself and about how to proceed in my particular case.