The deception of isolation

 8-5-22

so it came up that i see that i often dont want to look at others or be open to them and i mean why do i do that, i mean is it that i do that because i am actually hiding from myself thinking in that moment that we are not equals. this brings me to consider that it may be that what is real is the connections with others and being ooen to others, which actually means vulnerability, and not isolating myself drowning in my own mind. i mean it seems to make sense to say that the mind as the eho in order to survive would want to prevent me from being .ore open and vulnerable in connecting with others because that would mean and or represent and in fact be a connection to reality (and reality is what the mind has to disconnect me from in order for it to survive as it keeps me trapped in these alternate realities as i drown in my head where i dont see a way out - as all these inner conflicts and judgments and fear and insecurities about the wcternal world or somwthing like that. it needs to keep me isolated feeding all these paranoias instead of connecting with reality and thus breaking out of the illusiin of paranoia). ...and so i would remain isolated trapped within the paranoias that separate me feom myself through separating me feom others as my connections to reality as myself; i mean that ive been trapped in all these paranoias and reasons for why i reason thay i cannot really truly connect with anyone, that i cant be vulnerable because of this or that, inventing/making up all these reasons and stories as beliefs in my head to justify why i cant get out of this isolation, and all the while its all an illusion. for example that ill be judged or attacked or not understood or rejected or etc. i mean, it makes sense to say that i cant trust all that shit comming up in my head. i mean, there exists people all around me and i even live with a few, yet i would make up all these reasons as illusions for why i cant walk out of my isolation prison cell even through there is not any lock or key. reasons as illusions as paranoias such for example what if this or that happens, when fear is the greatest illusion.

....and again this point of being clossed off, where i am not open to talk with people, where i dont want to look at other people in the face, where i always have reasons for why i cant simply interact and socialize with others, that apparently it would be meaningless yet i realize that i am yhe one that is making it meaningless by remaining trapped in between ng closed off and hidding instead of being open and vulnerable. i mean they are opportunities to discover and connect with reality and others will even offer me to go sovialize with them or even if i do go out with others ill be all distant and crap. i realize this is bullshit, that closing myself off is bullshit. and of it feels meaningless its because i am closing myself off and then even inflating my ego thinking im superior or inferior,...both are bullshit. i really allowed myself to create all these reasons for why i couldnt integrate into the social life. all this crap that i am to messed up of a person, all bullshit. ....so this point came up right now as i was watching a video of a guy who is doing pranks on people in the mall by going up to them like all awkwardly and wierd and staring to talk to them and i saw how peoples reactions were that they would completely close off, for example some guy is sitting down and when he goes up to him the guys just starts snaying "excuse me" like an indirect way of saying to fyck off and just reactions like that and i was like wtf thats fucked up that the people close themselves off like that, like thats how yhe people who control the world want to have us. i mean why this distant attitude like saying screw u i am not going to embrace you because u are not important kind of thing. and i realized i am doing the same when i make excuses to be closed off to pretty mucj anyone really. so the correction here seems pretty simple, which is to use as in take advantage of my opportunities to socialize to be more open and vulnerable. that if the interactions seem meaningless or pointless it is because i am making it that way be closing off where what i am actually doing is closing myself off from a part of myself that i am resisting because i am judging it.

...and what comes up in my mi d is that i have to be careful though to be vulnerable only with people i can trust, and perhaps that might make some sense but then again perhaps not because why not be vuonerable with everyone, i mean why hide, what am i scared of, isnt that existing within judgment as paranoia.?....i mean, theres never a truly valid reason to close oneselff off is there? is it not always just out of ego?...and now im wondering if being open instead of closing off as how i have mentioned and described it here is the equivalent to as they say to open my heart, to be vulnerable and open?

what is the thing that i know i need to do that will move my entire life forward?

8/4/22

what is the thing that i know i need to do that will move my entire life forward?

what comes up is that i need to live from a starting point of self honesty, instead of deliberately abdicating self honesty/self responsibility. that is the ine point where i am id say certain enough that i can trust is something that is best. there have been other points that i have considered as the correct thing to do but in some instances i have for example realized that there was judgment behind that apparent eighteous thing im aupposed to do, and so i just know that no matter what i do it is best thta my starting point is self honesty - because then i will deep down be at peace with myself as i will have integrity/dognity in all that i do. 

the question that now comes after that answer is - how can i actually do tha how can i actually accept and allow myself to live and do everything feom the starting point of self honesty always? ....something that comes up, which feels like a guess (nevertheless maybe a good guess), is by applying self doegiveness. not necesarily in a systematic way though. but just to forgive myself when i see i am not acting/doing from the starting point of self honesty.

....well yeah that sounds cool and like it can actually work when you see it like that. ...but then the question is - why would i want to be honest with myself in the first place? the answer that comes up is that - because being honest with myself is the only way that i will trully find inner peace that is real, because otherwise there is a deep shame inside me; otherwise the self love is not real; i mean, otherwise i am aware at some level within myself that i am lying to myself and thus living a lie / being deceived. that goes hand in hand with regret (id say instantaneously).

....i realize for example in my life its not so much about for example quitting masturbation to picture images but about being honest with myself. in otherwords i realize sometimes i vreate these standards for myself that i have to meet which i am not being honest with myself,; beliefs that i have to do things one way or another. and usually many times i am not able to meet those standards and i keep running into the same wall over and over again. this can be an indicator that i am not being honest with myself about the point 

its critical to stop suppressing

8-3-22

so, i see that i cant read and connect that to what is said of being fat, for example "the fat cat had a heart attack", as that i am supressing such an extensive amount of shit thay it is like i am so fat within and as that. which is like a very nasty trait. and so i think of that and say that its like an emergency for me to stop accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with for example over eating or anything really - so in otherwords to stop sucking-. that that is like the best thing i can do - so much so that within me i even to an extent considere it as a possible solution, as in that i have a bit of hope in that. so, im telling myself, it seems, that its very important that i accept and allow myself to try my best to not suppress myself, my emotions or whatever really, but yeah perhaps some emphasis on emotions, for example guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, anger, etc - in spite of how uncomfortable and painful it might feel, that its to perhaps recognize/aknowledge and understand and remain aware of how important it is as how much is at stake here.

....and also it can make sense to say that the more i let the energies start coming out as coming up into the surface and being seen = the more i am able to work with those energies, and perhaps it doesnt necessarily work to try and do things the other way around.

experiencing fear as i think my death is near

8-2-22

so i think that my death is very near now because of how my heart feels. i often am feeling that my heart or the arteries near my heart get tense amd stiff like if they become hard and put mflexible and it comes with like a shock, i mean a physical shock which i mean i guess yes it also includes a psychological shock as i react in the mind. 

and, well i react tk thos with fear and some worry. i think that i dont want to die yet. that i want more time. that i want more time and that i want to experience myself as learning more, reading more, expanding myself more. umfortunately i mean i had years and years and i stead of developing myself as a creative self expressiin what i accepted and allowed was for myself to be and become consumed by amd as the addictiin to masturbation to picture images and not to mentiin obviously also a lot of fucking doing drugs. over and over and over again. i mean, there fucking was time. a lot of time. fucking years. but like, well i got lost in that shit. or i deliberately accepted and allowed myself to get lost in that shit, perhaps simply because that is what i decided that i fucking wanted. but then again its said that nothing is personal and even that the mind as ego can take out even the best amongst us. and thus i mean i think now that and as i am writing this that one reason, if not THE reason, why I'd be reacting to this poimt of "oh my god im gonna fucking die" so much, so extensively, is because i am accelting and allowing myself to take this shit personally, as to say that i. going to have this such fate because i am a very bad evil pwrson, which is a bad thing, and well you know, because im a bad person because i dared to not care and that is ao evil and this i dont deserve to exist or have life because i am soo so bad. but isnt that a judgment?

and i mean i even think and perceive in my head as the mind as the ego that everybody hates me because i. this very bad being, and that apparently i thus always want to hide because i feear others judgments being cast upon me. although it is said that thats freaking bullshit because it really has nothing to do with others, bit that isntead i am just reaction to my own mind as the judents that i exist with and as, thay i am my true adversary. and as i write this i expwrienced a reaction come up in me of like "omg fuck i am so fucking blind to yhe evil that i really am", and i wonder or ask myself like - what the fuck? - isnt this a self judgment? and its like there i go again taking this shit personally as if this is a ounishment for me being evil and thus reprehensible, punishable.

and its like well fuck its frustrating the thought that i cant foegive myself in absolute brutal sepf honesty and that if i try to fake it till i make it that i then experience the partially fake self forgivenesses damaging my heart as this forced feeling of positivity suppresses my negative emotions. i mean that how its been, the sf, it comes i think woth fake positivity that i try to force upon myself. and i was and am writing this what came up is that perhaps if i were to actually accept and allow myself to give myself the chance to not accept and allow myself to fake the self forgiveness at all no matter if it took me days or weeks trying to pull out/create even just one self forgiveness statement that is actually self honest, where i am completely certain of myself and of that its actually absolutely self honest completely, then maybe then that self forgiveness statement would not have such daging effect on my body and especially heart. i mean that i make sure that i. certain that i am thus not suppressing myself as being fake. (and wow as i write this what came up is that being fake is actually also the same as suppressing myself, and thus to unsuppress myself as to not accept and allow myself to continue existing in and as suppression is acgually to be real.) ...i mean, when i look at it i see that i acgually did not accept and allow myself since years and years ago to be patient enough with myself to acgually see to it that i actually pulled a REAL self forgiveness, i mean, i could have been very patient ad to have the patience to try and try and try even if it tooke days or weeks OR EVEN MONTHS!! and instead i just wrote a bunch of what seem to me as fake self forgivenesses. evn in my personal pruvate interview my beingness told me to not be too/so hard on myself and to just forgive myself for real.

.....and so what i see is that i have not avvepted and allowed myself to use all these years i had( over a decade) to develop myself as a creative self expeession, to expand myself as this, but that instead i accepted and allowed myself to go crazy masturbating to picture inages on drugs, fucking evolving my masturbation to the mind, over and over and over again day after day, week afyer week, month after month, year after ywars, over and over for over a decade and now i sometimes look at myself and im like " what the fuck!? what the fuck happened? what tue fuck happend to me all these years(,which as been the majority of my lifesoan so far)? " . and what came up some moments ago is that basically i have been busy for all these years(well for most of my life actually) just SUPPRESSING MYSELF. and thats why it feels like " wow wow wow what the fuck ive just been gone consed in this demon possesed state which is fucking so insane!!! what the fuck!!??? like, WHERE THE FUCK WAS I ALL OF THIS TIME!!???". 

and thus with what i have written here, what i would like to apply as a self commitment is to not accept and allow myself anymore to do anymore fake self forgivenesses at all whatsoever. and to if possible every day spend some time working on my self forgiveness application even of it takes me a long time as even months for example (even though i dong fucking expect to be alive for more than a few more day or a few more weeks, i mean i could even end up dying tonight or tomorrow or in a few minutes, i dont know). but the point is to not accept and allow myself to do fake self forgivenesses anymore as in in other words to not accept and allow myself to suppress myself with self dishonest fake self forgivenesses anymore, but to have the courage and thus the patience to not accept and allow anything less of myself but self honest real self forgiveness. and thus i mean if my sf application is no longer a self suppressiin then i think it should damge my heart but acgually that it should do the opposite of that - that it should actually be an act of me moving myself to face myself, to not suppress and ignore my darkness, my self hatred, but to face it, and to in this develop certainty.