8/21/21 the impulse to masturbate

 8/21/21

Today ive been getting these urges to just start watching images, the kind of images i use to masturbate to the mind, on my phone. And every now and then for some moments it feels like suddenly the urge or impulsive desire to start watching images and most likely after that start masturnating to them for a moment pushes me near the point of accepting and allowing myself to actually do it; as if this wave comes at me and nearly brushes me off my feet; but it hasnt yet and its been 4 days since i last masturbated.

I forgive myself that i want to masturbate. i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that if i were to allow myself to masturbate what i would really be allowing would be for myself to allow the mind to upgrade its systems, that thats really the reason behind why i want to masturbate, behind the desire and behind why i perceive i want to masturbate.

So what comes up is this desire to masturbate because i just want go into that experience, because it feels so good, and i can just have a good time for a while, and feel so alive, and its so delicious and fulfilling for some moments.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to desire to masturbate. I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to be controled by my desire to masturbate.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to disreguard and ignore the real consequences to my participation in the addiction to masturbating to images as masturbating to the mind as upgrading its systems and evolving it even fuether and consuming my physical human body and suppressing my mind and myself.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself at moments to check out women or even for some moments go into my imagination to get a little taste of the experience as i for a few seconds try to remember what it feels like when i am possesed in the masturbation to images and even drugs moment, which is like a way that i tease myself. But theres no point in teasing myself even for a few seconds if i have made the decision to quit permanently. Me allowimg myself to try to get a little taste for a few seconds of the experience is the same as acceping and allowing myself to actually fall into it because even if i just imagine it for even one instant, deliberately, i have already accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to images as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to chose masturbation to images as the mind as living in self interest saying "fuck everyone else i just care about my energetic egotistic experience in spite of what other beings are going through in this world" - that i have allowed myself to chose this over life here as who i really am as one and equal with all in support to myself and all that all may experience what is best eternally as heaven on earth; that i have given up something so magnificent and worthwile for a very limited and finite and consequential addiction/experience because im too scared and too depressed and to self judgmental to see how a far better world is possible, and that the way in which i'll experience myself within this world and even in creating this new world will be by far more fulfilling.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to abuse life and throw it away in the name of my egotistic self interest where i exist not even truly happy but rather i am miserable because i hate myself more and more the more i participate in this addiction.

I commit myself to continue supporting myself in the ways i know how which is by consistently using techno tutor, writing/sf/sc, breathing, and listening to eqafe interviews. And when and as i see myself wanting to masturbate i stop breath and realize that all i am doing is allowimg the mind to upgrade its systems to further enslave myself and further abuse and consume my physical human body and essentially abuse life as all of life in this entire existence. I commit myself to find a way or ways in which i can effectively release myself from this addiction once and for all so that i may finally live.