11-27-22 sf on masturbatiin to picture images

 I forgive myself for allowing amd accepting myself to masturbate to oicure images of girls asses.

I forgive myself for allowing myselfntonfeelnbad and guilty that I allowed myselfnto masturbate to images as videos of girls asses.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a life for myself where I got I to a vicious cyclenof masturbatiin tobimages and drugs and made my life miserable and of despair and regret.
I forgive myself that ibaccepted and allowed myselfbto when I saw I had the choice of relapsing kn masturbatiin to images and drugs or not that ibaccepted and allowed myself to ignore xonsequenceband to instead masturbatebto images on drugs and create xonsequencebforbmy life and for this world and others in this world.
I forgive myself that j accepted and allowed myself to doncrack to masturbate tobjnages instead of committing to becoming a distributor and working out my relationship with Patricia whether that be of intimate oartners or just friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for so extensively for many years turning my back on my integrity and my life and even this world to isolate myself and masturbate to kmages in self pity and regret.
I forgive myself that inaccepted and allowed myself today to masturbate to images of ciders of girls ases jnstead of practicingasturbating to the ohysical as an opportunity to support myself.
I forgive myselfbfor accepting and allowing myself to just masturbatebto imagesbinstead of pushing myself to direct myself to masturbatebonly to the physical as self direction.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselfbto torture myself and my physical body today by smoking a lot of xigarettes and masturbating to images as videosbof girls asses jn spite of my bodybfeeling tired and it being a khysjcally painfully exhausting experience where it was am experience of suffering to an extent.
I forgive myselfnthat inhavebaccepted and allowed myself to even though my life is critical asbconsequencesbibfacebfrom accepting and allowing myself to masturbate that I still accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to jmagesnasbvideos of girls asses today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the experience of guilt and shame andbregret and self pity that I have accepted and allowed myself to not quit masturbation tobthe mindbas to not masturbate and live that part of myself in a way where I am directing myself to do what is best.
I xommit myself to push myselfbto next time I masturbate to masturbate onlybto the physical with no images and to push myself to take it easy on my body instead of stubbornly trying to make the experience extreme and hard core.

11/20/22 observation about self-judgment

 It seems that when I judge myself that I fell or as I'm falling that it makes it more difficult and unlikely for me to be able to support myself (and thus it is more consequential). "Feeling bad and guilty leads nowhere. Forgive yourself and recommit until you've transcended the point".

Thus I realize that it's best, or can probably be best, to stop or try to stop my participation in self judgment and or as reacting with fear and guilt and regret and etc to that j am accepting and allowing myself to deliberately masturbate to images. Instead j can breathe. Is/does the self judgment what makes it more difficult to breathe and be self aware while I masturbate to images? Well it seems that it makes some sense to state or consider that it does make it more difficult or less possible to be self aware because self judgment, at least to my understanding or perhaps assumption, is self separation which means that I will be less aware of myself because I am separating myself from myself, amd even also to say that I become more far from reality because I get possessed. So it can also be referred to as paranoia I think. Which means that I am seeing things that aren't there. Does this mean that it is less possible for me to be able to stop sooner if I allow myself to react with self judgment? Well what was said is that the more energy the mind has the more it can create ideas and resource memories and produce thoughts. And the more possessed I am the more difficult it is for me to see the self honesty of the situation.

11/17/22 masturbatiin and isolation

 So I stopped masturbating about am hour ago after having masturbated for like 2 or 3 days extensively.

One thing that I see is an excuse is that it's so much easier to just masturbate. I mean that sometimes I am masturbating and I don't stoo because I fear what I've gotten myself into and so it's easier to just remain happy and entranced masturbating to images.
Also I feel I intimidated to stoo because when I stop my health starts declining, my feet start feeling numb and my heart starts feeling numb from the back. And this scares the living shit out of me. And so these are things i use as an excuse, that I don't want to see what I've gotten myself I to as the consequences that start manifesting when I stop. Even though consequence has become something that I see manifesting even while I masturbate, as consequences have been manifesting to a degree or in a way where it's like they are not somwthjngni canbget away from as much as I used to. But when i stop masturbating to images they became more.
I have acknowledged that maybe if I allow myself to masturbate without images asbmuch as I want to in whatever way I want to that perhaps the consequences will not Manifest as much as when I stoo masturbating so often where I go several days without masturbating. But I have not applied this, and yes I have just given in to masturbating to i.ages because I feel addicted to it meaning that I experience the desire and decide to not care and to just give in, just because i want to.

So today I I side myself experience an extent of hopelessness that I can direct myself because I see that I keep going back. I won't care and will just like turn my back on what I define as real and as self support and knock the awareness that I have of there existing consequences to my actions out of my awareness. I'll forget about that for a while while I indulge in masturbating to images.

And so yes I still experience myself as frightened and as despair as becoming possessed in/as paranoia. Amd it sucks because what I see or interpret is that I cannot really move in reality, mea ING that everything I tell myself that I am going to do or change or the realizations that I come to which I perceive in that moment as opportunities and like signs or realizations as that I see opportunities opening up and that thus I have a chance of changing and feel or experience myself as like assured that I am going to change or that I am currently changing, those things it seems eventually un a short period of time become nothing in reality, where it seems to me that j am just living in my head and am unable to connect with reality as in that I am not able to progress practically. And with this there is frustration that I experience as I see that I cannot get out of my mind and really change.
In my mind I think that maybe I am going to keep losing touch with reality more and more the more I stay isolated where I actually don't have any connection to anyone and live alone. I have thought of going back to live with my mother and sister, if they would even agree about letting me back it, but in my mind then I think that then I will not be able to practice masturbating to the physical without images every day which is something that I want to try out and see how it works for me. Well it's a part of me that has wanted to do that. The part of me that sometimes considers reality and actually being honest with myself. That part of me I experience that I separate myself from a lot when I allow myself to indulge in masturbation to images, especially when I do so extensively as I did these past few days. I realize that in a matter of a few days of extensively falling, which is not something that I had done to the degree that I did in a while, I have become like swept by the mind as 8nto my preprogramming, where I was swept away from reality and my sense of responsibility and integrity and self honesty and these things being applied in a practical way. So it's like I lost myself extensively for these few days.

So I'm not certain about going back to live with my family to perhaps have at least a little bit more contact with reality as I have to interact with the beings there because it's their apartment and I can't just do whatever the fuck I want as I do in my apartment where it's just me.

...well, I do think that it is very likely that I will continue to fall into masturbatiinbto inagesbpretty much every day. And thus it does make sense to give it a try to see if I can get to go live with my mom and sis once again as I had been a few months until about 2 months ago. It doesn't mean that it will work, but it does make sense that I can give it a try and see if is helpful or not.
Last time I was living with them I was a lot more stable and punctual at my job and ever since I left I have been absent often.
I don't even trust myself that I will go through with this point which if I'm honest with myself, in spite of the resistance I experience about it, is common sensical.

I am actually able to come masturbate as often as i want to to my apartment and then go back to their apartment almost every day. It's just very uncomfortable living there and putting up with them, which is really myself that u have to put up with, and it sucks that I feel scared of when j have to walk from the entrance of the apartment whether I'm going back or leaving the apartment and being scared of the instability and panic and nervousness and all that shit that I experience about the idea and fear of others I'm those apartments seeing me walking and that maybe they see that I'm what is referred to as a faggot. I also fear that my sister and her friend will kill me because they represent the west coast. And that is another point which it's like, why should I just ignore that. Because many people representing the west have caused me mental and physical damage, whether they tried helping me with a double edged sword and instead of using their help I abused it and thus experienced the consequences of how I treated their energy, or whether they intentionally specifically only wanted to cause me harm because in their eyes I deserve it. Obviously there is a risk in being exposed to such people, but there is also a risk with staying here in my apartment living alone. Both are risks where if j am wrong it will most likely mean my death. One difference is that with going to live with them again it is very stressful and uncomfortable, jt doesn't feel good, so yeah it is very uncomfortable and painful jn my mind, whereas staying alone in my apartment is more comfortable in the sense that I am not exposed to other people and I can just masturbate a lot to images, which perhaps it makes sense to say that it is to hide, which means to hide from myself. But it is also painful because I see and experience that I lose touch with realitybextensively and that I am always busy masturbating to images and I haven't stopped.

So, I need to be self honest about this and perhaps even re-evaluate it or continue to look at it and try to come to a self honest decision about what is best, weighing the pros and cons and swing what is best within common sense.

11/8/22 The Separation of Self-Judgment

 I forgive myself for being extremely angry with and at myself.

I forgive myself for Ccepting and allowing myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a messed up life for myself by and through accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and judge life, not realizing that self judgment is really the main or one of the main things and reasons why I have been so stuck in a messed up life, because by judging myself as bad j am separating myself from good by splitting myself into two - as I believe (as the belief) that if I am bad then I am not good, and within this trapping myself within a self perpetuating vicious cycle of being bad as judging myself as bad as bad also meaning less than, and then judging myself even further by judging myself as bad for being bad, and then believing that I am so bad that I am too far separated from what is good to ever get truly better. When this separation is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in eeing and judging myself as bad as separated from good I have in this judged myself as bad and judged myself with guilt, shame, fear, creating self pity and regret as me blinding myself through self judgments and my energetic reaction within and as the self judgment tk were I become consumed and lost within self judgment and the vicious energetic cycle it creates.

I realize life is here and is neither good or bad. It's not good because if I say life is good I am already within that creating separation between good and bad. I realize that when I judge myself and life as good or bad I am separating myself from myself jnstead of being here and understanding myself.
........

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like shit right now.
I forgive myself for believing that I deserve to feel like shit right now.
I forgive myself for allowing myself and accepting to judge myself as to believe that I deserve to feel like shit right now because I am and or have accepted and allowed myself to be a bad person.
I forgive myself that I have created a life of extensive guilt by accepting and allowing myself to divide myself into and through judgment as good and bad where I have fallen into the bad category and in thatbseparated myself from myself where I separate myself of a part of myself as good, and in that remained incomplete missing a part of myself, bizarrely believing that I do not have access to that part of myself because Iapplication?

So what does this mean jn terms of specific practical applocation?

I forgive myself for judging myself as not good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to live in separation of good because I am too much of a bad person.
I forgive myselfnthat I have become enslaved within the point of masturbatiin to picture images and self judgment as judging and defining and believing myself to be bad and less than because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as enslaved to the addiction of masturbation/anal masturbation to picture images/videos especially of womens' asses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create extensive self separation in myself from myself for many years of my life through and as self judgment to the point to where j now find myself extensively hating myself and my life as I have created and accumulated an extensive amount of self hatred throughout the years which I have created with and through judging myself as bad and unworthy and reprehensible in a very personal way.
I forgive myself that j have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself even further by and through accepting and allowing myself to project my accepted and allowed self judgment onto others where I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my accepted and allowed creation of self judgment and in that j have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from taking responsibility for my accepted and allowed creation, and in that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as and exist within and as self pity and victimization and powerlessness - all of this through my acceptance and allowance to project my self judgment onto others by and through judging them instead of accepting and allowing myself to face my self judgment from the staring point of self forgiveness as the starting point of trying to understand myself instead of judge myself.

.....I realize that when I am experiencing myself as karanoid as fearing others will judge me I am in that moment separating myself from myself by and through blaming them for making me feel that way and even trying to avoid going near them because of the fear that they will judge me, instead of bringing it back to myself and instead of asking myself why do I fear them judging me, asking myself why and how am i judging myself right now.

More generally it seems this applies to any reaction j can possibly gave towards another person, that I am jn that moment accepting and allowing me to separate myself from myself, where I instead can immediately ask myself how/why am I judging myself right now. 

11/3/22 The solution of simply changing mybstarting point and the implications thereof

At the moment I am experiencing myself as feeling depressed, and somewhat exhausted, and well I did masturbate to picture images where I took a few big hits of tobacco and held it in and stuff and I wasn't breathing while I masturbated.

I think that my depression could have in fact a lot to do or something to do with my exhaustion, plus the dopamine spike downer from drinking a bottle of coke. Although I also feel that my life is meaningless. I mean, I have masturbated so much today, on and off. And then maybe also the same sounds/songs I keep hearing repeatedly on tik tok.

Earlier today I also felt depressed, and I felt that way after I masturbated. And what also was present when I was depressed was that I was feeling exhausted, which it seems that the exhaustion has a lot to do with the hits of cigarettes that I take. I mean I have seen how it exhausts where before taking the hit ill be jumping on whatever is in my ass and I wont be all exhausted, and then after I take the hit I will stop because I'll be exhausted. And it's not like hitting the cigarette in the way I do like really turns me on. I just get a rush that's lasts a few seconds and I feel my body loosen up, but then it's gone right away.
So I consider that my depression can be from a combination of all of these factors. Because yes when I look at it I do ask myself, how is my life even meaningful? Although that is something that needs to be looked at more perhaps when I am not feeling so exhausted. How do I create deep meaning in my life? What is meaningful in/about life? Why do I feel depressed? And then well yes I wasn't breathing, and I'd say the less aware I am of my breathing the more meaningless my life can get because I will get more caught up in and lost and possessed in and as the mind because I am not grounded here in reality.
Masturbation is so addictive, but I think that it could be meaningful if it's done in moderation, but not if it is consuming my life the way it has - then it becomes meaningless.

Meaningful I'd say would be to live a life where i eventually care about all life equally and take responsibility for this reality/existence in its totality. First starting with myself. Caring for myself. Really taking responsibility for myself, practically.
At the moment what I see is that my primary purpose in life has been to masturbate, to experience the pleasure that can come with it, at the cost of my own life as I compromise it, and as I ignore the rest of existence.
Gian (and even others) has said that when you make life all about just you and your family that's when you get depressed and things become meaningless, and to thus rather live for everyone, to create what is best for all, even if it starts with just my individual existence initially.

And then also the point of going into my mind into an alternate make belief reality where I pretend to talk to people who are not even there, where I pretend to be hanging out with them, listening to music with them, joking and laughing with them, having conversations where I'm preaching to them, or even telling them off - i mean what the fuck. How is that meaningful in any way? How is that not something contributing to the experience of the state of depression I experience myself within and as?
To stop being depressed I'd say I have to live here in reality, being relevant to reality, even if I do die very soon, because whether I die tomorrow or in a week or in 4 months or a year or 10 or 20 years the principle from which to live from and as remains the same, and that principle is the meaning of life, the true reason for being, for living, what being alive and living is all about, what the point of it all is.
And thus I can see here with what has been said here that in continuing to make my masturbation to images addiction my reason and purpose for living I will continue to burn in the hell of the pain of depression. And i mean, it's like what the hell, because it's not like I can't masturbate, it's not like I'm going to necessary lose that. It means that my existence and purpose and reason for living and existing isn't going to primarily only revolve around that.
I do see that I want my life to be something more than just masturbation. I want to be able to interact and form relationships with different people. I want to have a partner. I want to transcend my existence in and of the mind as the extreme paranoia I have been experiencing and suffering from since like 15 years already (half of my life). I want my life to expand. I don't want to live in my little shell hiding. That's how I have lived for half of my life now. I don't want to live being in fear of everything. I don't want to live in fear.
Imagine having close relationships to people who are very intelligent and deep and that strive to go as deep as they can in life. Imagine not being ashamed of myself anymore. Imagine not existing within and as guilt anymore. Imagine meeting the people from self perfected and destonians in person.
I mean, the community is right there, but you have declared yourself as less than them and in that you have isolated yourself as you declared and decided that you were not worthy of them because you aren't good enough of a person as them. So you are saying you are not enough.
And within this I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise what is best for all in the name of a meaningless obsession and possession with masturbation to images, yet being it that I guess it's okay to masturbate as much as my heart desires to as long as I am not compromising my responsibilities. But no, what have I done? I have turned my back and thrown everything and everyone out the window to isolate myself with my relationship with masturbation to images, from a staring point of self interest, guilt, fear, judgment, regret. I mean I've been exacerbating and perpetuating these points of regret and fear and guilt and self interest and meaninglessness and self judgment and self pity and self hatred by accepting and allowing myself to become consumed with and by and as the addiction to masturbation to images as the nature that i have accepted and allowed of/as the starting point of the relationship I have created towards/with it.

This is fucking bullshit. I say this now as I realize that if I simply changed the nature of/as the staring point of the relationship that i have created towards it to one where I am not compromising my reality but rather standing as and living according to principles of common sense then things would be very very very different. Life would be a gift instead of a burden. You know, the burden of meaninglessness, regret, fear, Self hatred, self pity, shame, guilt, self judgment, etc. It just really seems unnecessary, especially because I think that life would simply be far more enjoyable and feel far more worthwhile and meaningful and fulfilling and complete and abundant and fun and interesting if I simply changed my staring point, wherein life can be all of this by simply not abdicating responsibility as compromising. It doesn't even mean I have to be perfect.
Lastly I want to say that if I expanded my life by/through changing my starting point to one of responsibility and the implications thereof which I have pointed out and acknowledged here, that I would not even want to masturbate to images in the way that I have for years and years, because I would not have a reason to, because I would actually love my life. There would be no desire for or point in doing so.

11/3/22 SF/MEANINGLESS LIFE

 I forgive myself for allowing myself to resist self forgiveness application.

I forgive myself for judging myself that I didn't apply or remembered much about self forgiveness in the past like 2 days.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live a more balanced and thus fulfilling and complete life, but that instead I have created a meaningless life where I don't give meaning to anything but masturbatiin to picture images.
I commit myself to create a more balanced life, as a process to get there. Or to at least give it a try.
I commit myself ro continue to apply self forgiveness regularly to assist and support myself with this too, or to at least try ot try to try to do so.

11/2/22Understanding the Nature of MyGreatestFear

 Some minutes ago I was experiencing myself as relatively stable. Then I walked into the bus and there was some feat but not to the point of panicking. Then once I paid and I started walking to the back I decided to let my feet dragg and stumble a bit, which is something that I tend to avoid out of fear of looking 'ass fucked gay, which I decided to do out of confidence. And so I did that and as I did that I experienced that my feet got a bit stuck, it seems because of the texture of the floor on the bus, and so my feet didn't dragg as smoothly as I wanted them to, ot simply I experienced a reaction of panic, a relatively unexpected one. And I experienced shame, embarrassment, feat, anxiety, nervousness. So I experienced a shock. These things in relation to fear of others knowing my classic ol' secret - that j get it up the ass, that I like to get fucked up the ass.

And then afterwards what came up in my mind was that I started experiencing fear at the thought of walking into and through my workplace and of the same kind of experience happening in there before my boss.
Furthermore, an observation I made was that, when I walked out of my apartment today to go to work I was experiencing myself as being in a relatively good mood, and I noticed that my walking was somewhat loose, which tends to happen sometimes when I anal masturbate, especially if I do it extensively - yet I was relatively more stable than a lot of the time within that, where many times if my walking was loose I would experience panic in relation to that. So within this I realize or take into consideration or am compelled to deduce that it's not so much whether or not it shows that I anal masturbate, but more the relationship that I have towards that. Meaning that if my relationship to that is for example one where I judge it as myself as bad and react within guilt and shame and fear and regret, then yes such nature is detrimentally consequential. But if there is no guilt or shame or regret or fear or judging it ad myself as bad/wrong = then if it does show noticeably it's not something that is such a terror/horror as I have been experiencing it to be for many years now, where I feel ashamed and guilty and thus fear others knowing and so I regret it cuz I judge it as myself as bad.
So fascinatingly enough, and seemingly concisely enough explained, my greatest fear has nothing to do with others but instead has all to do with the accepted and allowed nature of the relationship I have towards myself.

11/1/22

 Some weeks ago I became fearful as I was walking and I noticed that my left leg was..... it feels as if though the blood is not circulating very well in it, compared to my tight leg, and so that I it is not as readily mobile as my right leg. I associated this with the idea that I have atherosclerosis which was deliberately manifested in me by alchemists. I related that to that my death is coming.

At the moment I feel once again my left leg feeling a bit like numb and less readily mobile and yes there does exist within or in relation to that the reaction of fear which comes up. Also despondency/dejection as a loss of hope. Also grief, grieving upon my misfortune. Mourning the apparent or perceived loss of my life/ my existence / having to go through some unimaginably tough, painful, gruesome experiences in the afterlife for an unimaginably extensive amount of time and most likely ceasing to exist in the process.

Inexperience a resistance in forgiving myselfnfor accepting and allowingnmyself to attach and connect fear to my leg feeling somewhat numb and not so readily mobile like it's not getting enough blood flow to be in a normal state of functionality.

Another point is coming up of that I am constantly judging everybody in this bus in my mind, thinking badly about them as in criticizing them, hating them, judging them, angrily.
At the same time I think they judge me, well at least some of them, and if they knew my darkest secrets then possibly all of them would judge me. It's interesting to think how would everything be, who would I be, if everything of me was exposed in the open for everyone to see. Who would I be then? What would change?

I am still experiencing resistance to doing self forgiveness with thoughts such as "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing".

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge the man in the bus as gay and thus as a disgusting fearful betraying selfish faggot, based on how I interpret the way his legs were positioned and the look on his face.
Yeah there is resistance still and I think that I am not confident that that self forgiveness that I just did, that I really meant it.
....is it self judgment that I am experiencing ad this resistance? That all this hatred and judgment that I am experiencing towards others is really the judgment and hatred that I have towards myself? As well as the fear as fear of myself?
....

I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge that man in the bus as a despicable faggot.
.....

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that people don't like me, as I realize that it is not possible for others to not like me because if they think they don't like me they are actually projecting their own dislike of themselves onto me because they don't understand how to deal with such a point effectively, and thus for me to believe and think others don't like me is to agree to the self deceptive self separation humanity is existing as at the moment.

10/31/22 self-support

 I forgive myselfnthat j allowed myself to masturbate to psorn and images in an extensive way, where I masturbate for many hours obsessively.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to exist in reactions towards and as masturbatiin to images and porn jn an obsessive manic extensive way where I don't have a will it seems.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to put myself in such a situation where I masturbate obsessively to porn and kmages for hours and hours and j judge myself as bad, as fucked.
I forgive myself for judging myself creating a vicious cycle and judging myself for finding myself in a vicious cycle stuck taking it personally.
I forgive myself for judging myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a situation and existencebfor myself where I find myself where I have been stuck in a vicious detrimental cycle of masturbatiin to images and reacting to it with guilt and self judgment.
I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have ended up in this cycle of self harm self destfuction.
I forgive myself that j have been stuck in this self destructive or detrimental cycle.

One thing that comes up with this cycle is the despairing idea that it socks for me because I am dying so ..... that I have lost my chance to stop and change my life as that... that even if I stopped is too late for me to have a better life because it's too late at this point because I'm most likely going to die soon inevitably so I missed my chance to quit masgurbatiin and create a better life for myself that I can live in and as for years and years to come.

And thus, what now? What is there to look forward to now as a purpose? Well there is to live for common sense unconditionally, where this, at least to some degree, is not about trying to avoid manifested consequence bit about standing for and ad common sense as self honesty. That changes things, because common sense is in this way not driven by fear but rather an unconditional meaning of life.

How can I support myself to bring about a life, what's left of it, where I can stand as this staring point? .....by continuing to be aware of my breathing as often as possible.
And what comes up in relation to that is that I am already far into the point and consequence of and wherein there is not, or at least seems/appears not, to be anymore common sense left in me, meaning that if I didn't fear consequence I would just endure in my addiction, where that is all that matters to me. But a other way to look at it is to look at my life in its totality, where besides the consequence of the afterlife which I have been told or warned about, there are also consequences that affect my life regardless of if I believe in the afterlife or not, such as my social anxiety, my disfunctionality in this world, where I am not able to completely abdicate responsibility for my life 100% because I have to make sure I put food in my stomach and have some kind of protection from environmental factors such as the weather, for example that I have blankets and a place to stay in. And so I am proposing to push myself to realize a common sense that is not merely driven by the Fer of the afterlife. A common sense which is the meaning of life when I look at life in it's totality. ....although j don't experience myself as having faith in this because as I said, I will probably just not care and try to hang in there as much as possible as I have when I was homeless where my life was about fulfilling my masturbatiin to images affection and doing the bate minimum I had to to stay alive, and just bearing the burden of such a life.
Another proposal is to do a lot of tt, as much as is possible, I'd say preferably in some session a day. If I can step up my tt use to 2 hrs and 30 min a day or even to 3 hrs a day that would be very supportive for myself I think. At this point in my life I think that that is the most supportive thing I can do for myself. 

10-30-22 Paranoia of kids laughing at me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger towards the kids in back of me as they laughed and I thought they were laughing at me.
I forgive myself that j have believed the kids are laughing at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to oarticipate in paranoia as I believe the kids are laughing at me and talking shit about me. I realize that j am angry because j get defensive because I get offended and I fear others offending me because such experiences affect me mentally/emotionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being offended by other people, in this case by these kids.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt as I am doing self forgiveness because I think it's wrong and bad because it is not correct because it is apparently not self honest/good enough. I am showing up and that is fundamentally what matters the most. The rest comes after.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling humiliated if others laugh at me and or talk shit about me because when I feel humiliated as others are attacking me or saying shit about me or laughing at me j experience myself as less than and thus not equal and I want to perceive myself as equal to others not less than them because then I perceive I am worth less than them.
I realize or consider that I am placing my value (and thus my self-value) in the hands of others I instead of me determining me and in that I see that I am not realizing that I am alone because if I had realize my aloneness I would be perceiving that my value is jn someone else's hands. To realize that I am alone, it means to specify myself to self honesty wherein j eventually get to the point of standing equal and one with myself and thus can see and understand clearly how I am the one creating my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at the kids because jn my paranoia and fear of being laughed at I perceive that they are laughing at me even though I don't really know or see that, I just see them laughing and I assume it is at me and I can see that I assume it is me because j am paranoid within fear of being laughed at which is something that I experience a lot in my teenage years and even early adult years (being laughed at).
I realize that I am paranoid that others will laugh at me like they did especially when I was in middle school, wherein the reactions and memories are replaying themselves jn my present over and over again which is paranoia.