An insecurity that i have, which is something that i think can be keepjng me stuck in masturbation to images, is that i have erectile disfunction. So there is a fear of having sex with women, that my duck wont get hard. ...so, that is a point which is not a valid excuse to not have sex with others. Because behind that point lies my fear. For example my fear of disappointing girls. My fear of not being liked. My fear of feeling embarrassed and ashamed. My fear of feeling that im not good enough. My fear of being rejectes. Etc. ...but, that fear is a paranoia because i dont really know that all girls will not want to be with me. Shit, there cpuld be girls, probably not all but still many, that would want to be with me despite my erectile disfunction. Shit, for all i know there could be girls out there who would kjve to have a chance at bejng with me. To believe that girls will not want me is thus paranoia. A paranoia where my fears and judgments hide/lie behind. A paranoia that has kept me locked in the mind; limmited. Like being in jail locked up.
This paranoia, behind it can be the fear/trauma of beingnhumiliated in feontbof others as i was in school and theoughout my life, which has stayed with me throughout my life as i have always since then fear others and felt like a loser.
....and thus i think it really is time to stop accepting and allowing myself to live so isolated believing that i am trash that i am not able to have something with someone, always making up excises for why i need to wait. For example thinking that because i anal masturbate to images of womens bodies that i have to stop that first before j can have sec with any women, even tho i do find women attractive and sometimes i see girls that i feel attracted to who i wish i would have sex with them in that moment or soon or some time. ...i mean, those excuses, resonjngs, and justificatjons are bull shit believes that are not based on objecgivity but rather on self judgment/self hatred. Objectively speaking i dont know that there is no girl out there that even with knowjng about all mh bullshit would still really desire/want something with me, for example in spite of my erectile disfunction.
Its interesting because i have been depressed and ljmmited thinking and judging myself thinking that i am trash, worthless, of no value, not likeable. Within this belief i have subconsciously/unconsciously created my reality jn such a way as to prove those beliefs and judgments and jnsecurities to be true and isolated myself only being sexual through masturbation to images. Furthermore it can be possible that sometimes stopping this addiction, which is this ideal that i have been trying to align myself with unsuccessfuly thus far, is not necessary in order to expand my life in beinging about in my life havjng asexual oartner or even multiple sexual partners. I see that it is a point withjn and as which i have accepted and allowed myself tk be locked up in the mind. ...yes i have actuallly experienced myself for many years as being locked up in the mjnd perceiving myself as unable to change, jnable to get out and expand my life. Its quite facinating seejng this.
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