9/18/21 feared going to the restroom

 9/18/21

Today i was at the worksite i am working at the moment (which is a house me and a few other guys are doing a roofing job on). I was mainly there most of the time with just an old friend of mine as we were working on the roof. With my friend i feel comfortable because he knows about the shit that i fear others knowing which is that i enjoy anal masturbation, and even more than that he knows how i have had a porn or picture image and drug and masturbation addiction.

So, yesterday i anal masturbated with just my physical body and no images, and when i anal masturbate usually or often times the next day i feel sensitive in that area and i feel like i need to fart more and like i need to go number 2 more.

Where im getting at is that today when i was at the worksite when the subcontractor that we are working for in this job came to bring us our lunch and to chill with us for a while i felt that i needed or wanted to go to the restroom and just try and see what i can push out, whether its just farts or an actual shit ( which interestingly i oftentime experience as a feeling of arousal back there, but thats beside the point). So i felt like going to the restroom which was right next to where me my friend and the subcontractor named Ivan were sitting down beside a table, and i experienced fear of going because Ivan was there, because oftentimes if i anal masturbated my farts will just sound looser amd louder or ...im not sure how to explain it, but i feared that if i went to the restroom and i farted loudly that Ivan would hear it and assume or know that i indulged in anal sexual stimulation and i feared how he might react. Interestingly, i dont recall imagining in detail or specificity how he might react.

And so i experienced fear to the point that i suppressed myself by holding it in until some minutes later when he left the site.

When i was experiencing the fear when he was there i wanted to go in spite of the fear because i was aware that its bullshit that i have to live ashamed of myself, that fear is bullshit, but i didnt manage to get myself to go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myseld to fear going to the restroom to shit or just try and push my anal stimulation out when Ivan was there.

I realize i suppressed myseld into the mind in relation/as something which is not even real as far as who i am in/as what is best for all / oneness and equality as what is here.

I commit myself to walk a process of realigning myself with what is best for all / oneness and equality as what is really here.

9/17/21 trauma behind my preprogramed resonant mind control

 9/17/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anal masturbation (Physical masturbation).

I realize there is something (hiding) behind my reaction of me feeling ashamed of myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anal masturbation (referring to physical masturbation / no images); because it doesnt objectively make sense to me that the simple physical act of anal masturbating is something that deserves or needs for me to have to feel ashamed of myself that i accepted and allowed myself to do it. What i see (or what it seems to me) is that my shame reaction toward it has more to do with my self-definition/ the idea i have of myself and/as my preprogramed resonance as a preprogramed inherent feeling or emotion (or energy) that i  experience; like my mind's signature or something like that. It feels like my mind's (or me as my mind's) preprogramed destiny, because it doesnt make sense and it feels like it moves me or sucks me up or possesses me regardless of whether it objectively makes sense to me or not.

What comes up as me describing how it feels is that it feels as if there is a trauma behind it.

9/9/21 angry out of pride

 9/9/21

Some momemts ago i was in my ex gf Patricia's appartment(since im staying here a few days), and i was sitting next to here in a table doing technotutor. So i was making up my own deffinitions for words with appostraphes since the deffenitions arent programed into the tt program or software, then she said to me "why are you doing it like that? Youre not supposed to do it like that?" Then i said something like "yes i am. You dont know how to do tt." Then she started talking to me in a very serious manner, as if upset, telling me that why the fuck am i talking shit to her in her own appartment.

Previously before that happened i was acting silly and sort of sarcastically teasing her in somewhat of a mean way while being silly at the same time. When she started talking to me in a serious manner i knew it was time for me to stop my sillines, at least for a while, because otherwise things will end up where she ends up kicking me out of her appartment and we end up not being on good terms again.

So where im getting at with this is that i had been being like silly as in joking around a lot outgoingly, then when she got all serious i stoped. She started almost like lecturing me about what she didnt like about me telling her that she doesnt know how to do tt, in a bit of a harsh, but not too harsh, manner. In those moments what i felt is that a part of me was anoyed in a stubborn way. Im not sure how to describe what i experienced. ...i was upset or anoyed, but its like that upsetness or anoyedness was a way of me protecting/defending my ego. Its like if in those moments i became rigid within me and constricted out of pride or something like that. Kind of like if i would want to turn my face and not look at her in a very stubborn manner.

So its like if that stubborness in the way i experienced myself or reacted in those moments was protecting something ( which i already said was my ego). It seems like it is a resistance towards vulnerability. Im not sure what to call it but i felt rigid and constricted.

I forgive myself that i reacted when patricia got all serious with me.

I forgive myself that i pridefully became rigid and constricted when she started talking to me in a serious critical manner after i had been loosely joking around and laughing outgoingly right before that.

Its like i was anoyed after a few minutes of her crtically lecturing me, but only because she was challenging a part of me that didnt want to be challenged. Its like theres something in that which a part of me did not want to see, which interestingly implies self-judgment and fear.

I forgive myself for not realizing that i became anoyed and to an extent upset stubbornly at patricia critically lecturing me because she triggered something in me which i do not want to see because i fear it and judge myself for it.

In otherwords i got upset and annoyed because i resisted seeing my fear and self judgment.

So the question is what exactly was under that anoyance and upsetness which i resist seeing because i fear it and judge myself for or as it?

9/5/21 Desire for Value

 9/5/21

Today i had planned to go to a store which is about 2 miles from my appartment to buy groceries. I was going to go on foot since i dont have a car and there are no public buses running today. Then a fear came up in me. I feared other people who would be passing by on their cars, as i walked on the sidewalk with my cart through a long street,.... I feared being seen by them, that they all have cars and here i am without a car walking with my cart. I thought of myself as a loser.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being seeing by people passing by on their cars as i walk with my cart on the side walk.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear and think that they would judge me as a loser and as less-than because most people have cars but here i am on foot with a cart.

I forgive myself for not realizing that i am really afraid of looking at my own mind as those parts where self judgment exists.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as a loser for not having a car.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as a loser and as less-than others because i dont have a lot of money like a lot of other people do.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to base my self worth on how much money i have in comparison to other people.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to base my self worth on who i am in comparison to other people.

I forgive myself for allowimg myself to want to be like other people in order for me to feel good about myself.

So why do i want to base my self worth on who i am in comparison to other people? Because i havent based my self worth on something real. Because i have created a worthless life for myself for many years. In otherwords when it comes to my desire to be accepted and apreciated and reapected and valued, me looking for it externaly in others is a misconception, where i am looking for these things in others not seeing that i have to give these things to myself as myself.

Projecting my self judgment part 2

 9/2/21

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand in the moments that i judge women as stupid and shallow that i am really just projecting onto them, as self separation, that i judge myself as stupid and shallow.

I forgive myself for not realizing that i am projecting onto them that i actually have and still do put a lot of my self-worth on how i look, where i'll often see myself as superior to other men because according to me i think i am better looking than them. Interestingly though, sometimes i think i am so ugly and unlikeable. So what i see is that just how i judge other men as inferior because they are ugly or just not as attractive and as good as me, i am really just projecting my self judgment onto them even then.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and shallow and a pathetic loser because i try to feel good about myself by putting value on shallow aspects about myself and yet deep down beneath my inflated ego i feel like massive shit about who i am.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself and supress myself every time i allow myself to justify my judgments towards others, where i am actually hating myself and spiting myself and only myself, yet in those moments i sometimes wont realize it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self judgement and self hatred.

I commit myself to start investigating the point of self judgment more to start coming more to terms with this point so i can more effectively assist and support myself to start releasing myself from self judgment.

Projecting my self judgment part 1

9/1/21

Lately i have been judging women as stupid because they put their sense of value in their superficial appareance and superficial characteristics/ manerisms. Yet when it comes to who they are within it is shallow and dumb. I suppose its similar with men except men seem to put a greater amount of their self-value on their character than women. In other words it seems women primarily measure their value or self-worth in how good they look, whereas for men its on their character or personality.

Anyways, ive been judging women as stupid because i'll conjure up in my mind that if i take away their good looks a lot of them dont have anything else to offer. And so i'll go into backchat in my mind about how fucked up it is that human society will value such shallow points; like how unbelievable it is how stupid humanity is.

So, right here i am attaching a negative charge to this judgment. Now what is interesting is that i will go on in my mind judging this point yet later on i will in isolation go and start looking at woman as judging how good looking they are as checking them out, and sometimes eventually going and watching porn and masturbating to that porn, where i am doing that which i judge.

What is interesting is that, well im not sure if i know what im saying, but i heard an audio from esteni where she talks about this point, and based on what i heard i am coming to the conclusion that i am really just judging myself because i am judging that which already exists within me everytime i judge women as stupid shallow bitches. Or when i judge modern human society as unbelievably stupid.

I would like to expand on this and explain in more detail what exactly i am participating in and how i am sabotaging myself exactly when i participate in judging women and human society as i explained above but i dont really know that much. I just know that i am fucking myself into self-hatred. That it seems this is showing me that i hate myself. That the same measure of contempt i project towards others is the measure of contempt I hold against myself. Well acually i dont know if it is the exact same measure, but i agree that i am the convict of my own convictions.

Envy, self pity, and self judgment part 2

 8/28/21

I forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger and envy toward other destoians like sunette who seem to be fonancially stable, healthy, and well on their way to becoming life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience self pity that i once again masturbated to porn and thus that i am stuck in this cycle of this addiction and that thus things dont look good for me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to judge myself that i allowed myself to masturbate to porn once again and thus as a result of the self-judgment i went into self-pity where instead of objectively looking at myself and my situation and seeing what i can do about it i allowed myself to give up and instead judge myself and go into self pity which is not bringing forth a practical solution.

When i look at this what i consider is that its like a point of laziness; to say "im gonna go into self judgment and then self pity because i dont want to deal with this".

I forgive myself for sabotaging myself as veiling or blinding myself through allowing myself to go into and follow the thoughts of self pity and regret that started coming up after i masturbated, not realizing that i was through doing this preventing myself from being able to take responsibility for what happened and realize the correction necessary, because in allowing myself to judge myself i have in that allowed myself to give up. Its a form of defeatism.

Envy, self pity, and seof judgment part 1

 8/27/21

I am feeling angry and jealous when i look at my feed on fb and i see destonians who are well on their way to rebirthing themselves as life from the physical and who also seem to be financialy stable as well. It angers me that i am not living in that way. It angers me that i am not financialy stable but instead under pressure when it comes to money. I envy or am jealous of others who seem to not have a problem about money as far as that they have enough money to not have to worry about it. I also envy other destonians when i see their pictures or videos and they seem to be quite healthy. I wish i was healthy as well but instead i dont know how much longer i have to live, my heart is messed up and i am certain that i have cancer all throughout my body.

So i ecperienced this reaction today after i allowed myself to masturbate to porn and having ejaculated. I then started looking through my fb feed and saw posts from sunette and a few others and i experienced anger and envy. I supose im really just angry at myself, like wanting to really kick myself in the ass for not stopping my masturbation addiction right away when i had barely discovered desteni about 13 years ago. And so there is also regret that comes with that.

Yes i envy that others are financially stable, or so it appears, yet, my financial situation wouldnt bother me if i was healthy and expecting to live many more years. I cant say i wont or i will, but more than that i supose what bothers me more is what i see that i do with my time while i am still here. I am pissed off that i masturbated to porn; because in the act of masturbating to porn i did not allow myself to care for and stand up (primarily for myself but also for others) for myself as who i am as life as my essential nature, and thus allowed myself to create more consequence for myself. 

Self separation part 2

 

8/26/21

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire for others to give me admiration and appreciation.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fuck myself by allowing myself to look for appreciation and admiration outside of myself in spearation of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being alone and thus believing that i need to have relationships where i am appreciated and admired to distract me from what is here as myself, as my darkness.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am actually scared of other people when i am actually only scared of what is in my own mind.

I forgive myself for allowing myself myself to an extent to believe that i am traumatized by how others treated me throughout my life when the dark reality is that i fucked myself by looking for myself in others as self separation not seeing that i am and always have been and always will be in essence completely and absolutely alone.

I commit myself to walk a process wherein i redefine my relationships or something like that wherein i actually walk a process of becoming self aware by bringing all my reactions triggered by what is external or my relationships back to myself to embrace self honesty and self responsibility.