8/1/21 my ex caught me part 2

 8/1/21

It was a big deal for me that that girl saw me because ...well because i am scared that people will know what i have done when i do that and it is just something i have feared and especially when its someone that i know. I fear that they will not accept me. Its wierd though because why is it such a big deal whether they accept me or not?

So, i mean, i feared that she would judge me in that moment. I feared her seeing me in such a fucked up mind state because my shame about that is very extensive. What comes up is that this shows me that i have a big fear of seeing my shame. So yes it was a reflection of my own shame.

What i feared losing was my protection from my own shame.

I can come up with a lot of assumptions as to why i experience what i experience but the truth is that i dont really know. That is why it is important for me to start DIP asap so that i can educate myself and start to really understand my mind more and more.

I feared losing my ...my shield under which i hide; my facade i guess. I feared her knowing who i really am as in who i have allowed myself to become. Why? Because i am ashamed of who i have become as far as the whole anal masturbation thing but its not just the anal masturbation in itself, but also all the physical consequences that i have caused my body (and mind)by participating in masturbation to porn and drugs.

Though even before those consequences manifested i was already very fearful of others knowing that i was anal masturbating. Why? Because i see it as 'bad'. I was very homophobic as a child, and so that same judgment that i imposed on gay feminine men when i was a little boy was a reason for me to fear being a gay feminine man myself. Because now i had to deal with my own judgment, and the very meassure of my judgment toward gay men became the very measure of the extent of shame and fear i experienced when i would anal masturbate. I was very ashamed. So the way i see it is that i "got a taste of my own medicine", as they say.

A question now is - how do i correct this? How do i get out of this mess i got myself into? I want to know the answer to this question. I have a lot of questions about how i am sabotaging myself and about how to proceed in my particular case.