looking at problems vs suppressing them

9-10-22

the more i look at whatseems to be my inevitable death, yhe more i can come to terms with it as in process it and find or create stability within and as thatpoint.but when i drift off for too long into things which are irrelevant, in otherwords the more iignore it = what happens is that it eventually comes to my attention and then it is in that moment more difficult to process the point. it sounds like suppression, how when u forget and ignore a point it eventually finds a way to come out and with an accumulation of energy it becomes charged up with as it is suppressed, which gives the mnd consciousness system more power and control over me. (the mind controls a human with energy. it eventually when it is extensive enough possesses the humans mind and he starts to believe the thoughts that are coming up and yhere he goes, controled into submission). firthermore, one suppresses energy because (whether it is defined or undefined) nder the illusion as the beliefthat one cannot do anything about it, it is a giving up and giving into the mnd stating that one is inferior to the minds energetic experiences. o0ne believes that it is too much.

so the pont here us that i realize that its best to not forget where i stand, to not allow myself to be oblivious. i do not enjoy necessarily the experience of it suddenly hitting me, because it feels as that i forgot and got cozy and felt safe in confort and then when it suddenly comes to my attention i become overwhelmed and shocked as i think "of fuck, no, im not ready for whats coming0" and i go into fear possession.

best to. ot forget or be oblivious to my problems because only by look8ng at them can i do something about them, onlyby being and remaining aware if them can i best process them. yes there might be a valid greyarea within this meanng where i dont necessarily require or is best for me to be aware of it all the time and its okay to forget one in a while. but that is questionable. and the thought that came up about that is that i will be too scared to live as i have experienced before, but that is not necessarily accurate because i have also seen how it is from being aware of my problems that i am able to process it even though its difficult and painful and i can open my mind and come to terms with it best by eventually looking at it objectively enogh and or finding courage within it, which is like finding the light at night "entonces quieres ver una luz en la noche, buscando na razon para un corazon echo pedasos".

....and just an extra note of a question that came up right now - how often do i find myself suppressimg the experience of wanting to shit, suppressimg my vowel movement? it happens alot pretty much every day, many times multiple times a day, sometimes and even often many times a day.its interesting because me suppressing my vowel movement goes hand in hand with what i experience in my mind im suppressing of my mind. for example i suppress my vowel movement because i fear others knowing what i had to do to myself in order to have a reason to fear my shit. and i just had a cognition right now that if i fear my shit and my rectum and anus as the state that they are in, doesnt that mean that there is a lot of fear energy embeded physically within those areas? because it does feel that way. and so things then thus seem like or that they have been standing eight in fron of my face very simple and obvious yet i have just not gone there. yes it is like my biggest fear and/or/as resistance to face that point and to do what i have to do. whch means to dtop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my vowel movement, which i am terrified of. ...i mean yeaj its a loint that is unconfortable and terrifying, it is what i am hiding, that i am scared and resist hman social interaction and connection for. so the questiin is, what is the best solution in yhis situation/point/issue? well perhaps it would be good if i could talk it out witha therapist. not that i need to wait for that to be available but yeah another persons view of this would be helpful because i can see a view of someone else that is outside of my minds ideas and believes and thoghts and backcjats, and emotions etc.. so this point 8s facinating because it looks that i have an opportunity of access to a very major point, which means...i mean, if i could sort this out and stop suppressmg it and really do what is best as the best solution i can nderstand for this point, that would be a buge weight off my shoulders it seems. and thats also where there is a lot of frustration and self hatred as i hate existing this way and i really wish i could be free from this issue and formy shit and shitting and the state of my anus and ass and rectum and shit to be just normal and ordinary like most people. it is extremely anoying and there can also be jealousy and envy attached to this point. so, yeah the question is still - how do i deal with this? an idea that comes to mind is to flash frases and qiestions about and in relation to this point until i get to a point where i process it effectively and thoroughly enough to realize the solution. and its interesting because as faras i see - is it that i am suppressing this physical and mental fear and reaction through/by deriving pleasure from that energy, that fear energy?

.....so, i fear letting out and letting flow my vowel movements and whatcomes with it (physically and psychologically), and when i suppress myself i deliberately stimulate myself to experience vowel movements and it feels good when my shit is coming out while im fucking myself. then as soon as all the shit is out it sometimes doesnt feel so good anymore or i dont feel so naturally driven to fuck myself anymore, because the energy is released. and, well i look at it and i see that that which i fear is what i end up getting pleasure out of. ifear taking a shitwhenwver i feel that i want to take a shit, but then j deliberately stimulate myself to feel pleasure in taking a shit, exept that, well i derive pleasure in isolation in doing that which i fear to more or less experience publically or openly. so i hide the fear and hold on to it. ...it can have a lot.to.do.with my stress too.

Ranting 9n the experience of stress and depression

 9-7-22

i am experiencing stress. i feel it in my forehead, eyes, head in general, especially in my head. in my jaw and forhead. also in my neck on the sides and on my back on the uper side whereits connected to my neck on the sides by my shoulders, and in my chest and in my legs. so in most of my body if not all of my body but more i ste sely in my head and notisably on the forehead and then jaws.

i am also, well, the stress, i mean,yhere 8s also a degree of stress at being out here standing in front of a lot of cars for hours. and also i experience depression and i can actually remember that depression and stress as i have been experiencing them more recently these past few months often come together. some minutes ago i experienced an intense depression as i and after i was listening to a song by dido called thank you  and it says "i wanna thank you for giving me the best day of my life. ....just to be with you is the best day if my life". what came to mind woth that so g was i remembered or it reminded me of Patricia. its been a while since ive heard of her. this is probably the longest shes gone without trying to contact me ever since i met her and i side me and or my mind my head i sometumes think that i miss her and that i would have liked it if we could of been actual friends. and what i thiught in my head as the thoughts that i experienced were that i bet if Patricia were to relate to this song what she would relate it to would be yo her ex boyfriend and likely still on and off or mainly on lover Oscar. that she lived the best days of her life with him sharing certain moments with him and with that i think there is a degree if jealousy that comes up with that, where i to some degree want to be or know that i am the person she l9ves and has loved the most in her life. ....and as i was writing this a guy walked passed behind me and then i experienced a sudden unexpect twich in my body from fear, and this reminds me about what i was writing about i think yesterday that there is almost always, especially when i am 8n public, this fear present and also stress where my physical body is stiff in relation yo being scared of other people, of being jusged in a negative way by oyher people, in an unfavorable manner, even if i am not consciously aware of it since i supress it. and that this continuous state of fwar as social phobia that i experience every fucking day is actually affecting more than i realize. i mean imagine if everything in ur life was still the same expect for your social ancmxiety. i agine all if ir a great part of ur social anxiety was gone, how different would ur life be? would ur life, i. spite of the existing of other problems, feel far more at ease than it feels now? and if my life felt far more at ease than it feels now, wouldnt that imply thay i would be a lot happier with my life, that i would enjoy the experience of myself in my life a lot more, and wouldnt it imply that it would open up my mind a lot and even also my heart where i can vonsider possibilities which i could not gathom begore because i was very limited and constricted by the suppression of my social fears and phobias? well, i mean, i probably wouldnt even die if most of my social anxiety as panic attacks was gone.  because yeah it would obviously reduce an inmence amount of strain in my body wich is harmful to my body. so yeah i think my life would feel a lot  easier and a kot more enjoyable and a lot more spontaneous too. that would be very cool for me. ....i mean feom a certain persoective it makes some sense that i am fucking depressed because it seems that it would be a normal reaction to the state that my mind is in. in other words i can relate my state of severe depression to how i have given up to experiencing myself as as experiencing extensive fear and insecurity, panic attacks, and just socially feeling that i am very incompetent and just like less than everyone else, where i feel that i am not good enough for others to want to be my friend or want so ething with me. i mean shit of that type of manner. and this feeling thay i cant connect with anyone.  and all this shit is be8ng suppressed every day, i mean no wonder i am very impulsive in doing self destructive behaviours. 

....and yhe expwrience of depression 9s coming up again, along with hearing that song feom did where she says " i want to thank u for giving me the best day of my life". i feel that im left out of that. that i cant be part of that experience of connection that most people seem to have. and so its sad to hear those words. 

.....i wish i could talk to Patricia, but i fear she will try to kill me and just make it worse for me. so i spite of how much i wish i could talk to her its one of those type of things where in spite of how much i want to do it j just simply cant, no matter how much i want to.

and well, all in all i wonder how can i change my situation. if my death is psychoso.atoc/psychogenic then other issues are what i need to change, and what cones to mind as thise other issues are the whole not having social connections point. if it really is in our dna our primary reason to exist to connect and bond and belong and be part of, then it makes sense to say that i need to start connecting with others. and what came up some moments ago is that in spite of how i feel inside and how i see and perceive myself jn my mind (which by the way is an illusion) there are so many humans in this planet, in this city, that how can i say that i am not able to connect with anyone. isnt it that perhaps (even though i am disliking using the word perhaps lately) that perhaps the key to breaking out of my mental prison is social connection, that it is in the and phenomena of socializing and connecting with others thay all of my social issues come up? that therefore the fastest and perhaps only way to face myself is by actually going out there and connecting with others? because i mean, how the hell am i going to get anywhere, am i going to actually be able to change if i stay isolated in my own head where i am going in automatic cycles? how the hell do i have any chance or possibility of doing anything if i am living isolated? i mean i compare it to me trying grab a puece of food wwithout having any hands, so i can grab it per say. does this make sense? in otherwords that i have no access to really changing theough isolation. as i said, because the points which i am suppressing as far as social phobia i have access to dealing with those piints 9nly ir mainly theough actually practising and experiencing socializing and establishing connections and relationships.

...and well it sucks that my family as moyher and sister which are the 9nly people i have somewhat of a connection or relationship with at the moment are like discapasitated when it comes to forming connections to other people. 

...and so when it comes to missing oatricia and feeling like a void i side of me in relation to her, is it not that what i really miss is the opportunity to really connect with someone? and then i think " fuck she was a really good person for me to form a connection, i really like her as a person, and i dont see how or its going to be difficult to find someone with whom i can connect to the degree that i connected with her, because everyone is apparently so stupid and dead inside". and also because of how creepy i am that i think its very hard for someone to accept me. but within that statement, or those statemtna, it can be compared to a salesman who needs to go door knocking but is too stuck inbhis head in his thoughts and ideas and expectations and insecurities and dears and anxieties and self hatred to the point where he wont actually simply ohysically move himself and go knock on doors to meet and sell to random people, because he perceives it as an impossibility because he has within himself given up and given himself away to the wxtent of resistance he experiences in relation to the point.

...it somewhat like amazes me the degree to which it seems difficult to c9nnect with my sister and mother because of how closed off they are. but even in that i realize that i am actually accepting and allowing auch linitation. i mean, arent they also just doors that i am refusing to go knock on. i mean because well why cant or dont i approach them as if i was approaching anyone else with the intwnt to connect and with the conversation directed into that point/intention. i mean, no, i instead fuel the distantness between us by playing my part in the way that i do. i say and act in distant ways. i dont take the initiative in inviting them into such a point of a more deeper and real connection with the excuse that i they are too closed off and fucked in their head and stupid. that is my own limitation really. ...its of no surprise that they both lack relationships in their life. my mother has no relationships to anyone it seems. just her boyfriend, which is a diatant eelationship, us, and thats it. and my sister, well now she has a relationship with that girl and her approach seems a bit agressive as if she is aggressively going into this relationship because its all she really has. but, why stand there and judge their limitations instead of working with them and making the best out of it. it is more abundant to use what i have and make the best out of it than to judge what i have and thus reject it and then im left with nothing. facinating. and to say that they are fucked and i want people that are walking their process and not them, that again is to judge what i have and thus discard it instead of opening my mind AND HEART to seeing the value that can exist in them (mg family) and seeing what i can make out of it. because otherwise i am again left with nothing.

so okay, some aproaches can be like "hey hows your day been? what have u been up to today? and then opening up the answers to those question. i mean perhaps its great to get it to the point where the other pers9n is sharing their emotions, meaning talking to me about how they feel about what they are talking to me about. so its trying to get them to tell me about what happened in their day or in their life or has happened recently or some time ago and how they feel about it and why they feel the way they do. i mean, it could be cool to establish an emotional connection with for example my mom. and then eventually i can also share how i feel. i can share how i feel or my view about what they are talking about which they are sharing how they feel about or how i feel about things that ive.  experienced in my life, and in this way we can establish a connection and a growth in our connection of our relationship where we become closer. i mean, furthermore isnt that how one connects with others in general? well there is that and then theres also experiencing things together, and also talking about similar interests. ...AND SO WITH THIS SAID, I SAY THERE IS NO REASON AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT ESTABLISH A SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE ANYMORE FROM NOW ON BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED CLARITY ON HOW TO DO IT.

Ranting on the experience of anxiety and unease and unclarity

 9-7-22

i am experiencing this anxiety inside me. it comes with fear that i am experiencing unclarity, that i cant or dont completely see what is going on. and in response to this energetic experience i want to suppress it, because i am not completely clear of how to ho about this, of what is the besst and correct way to deal with it. so yeah i feel like numbing it by eating something like ice cream, or even it could be that even the desire to eat just more ordinary food could be that, although at yhe same time i dont want to starve myself and i have been exercising my body more than usual and so it seems logical and comon sensical that i ought to provided with pkenty of nitritional sustenance.

i see that there is this anxiety attack or panic attack that is inside me that i am experiencing it, but not a fullblown panic attack, but a less intense version of it. well actualy it is not completely mild. i mean its like an anxiety within which i feel a close potential to becoming an anciety attack, a fraking out at and as the experience of feel8ng lost within the energetic m8nd experience of anxiety. and its uncomfortable and i feel inferior within it , i mean inferior to it. and so i feel that i want to avoid this. 

.....so some minutes ago i ended up eating some food. there is the uncertainty of whether it was a bad thing to do or not necessarily because well the body does depend on food for nutrients. i still am experiencing this uncomfortability that comes with a lack of clarity of exactly what is going on and or of how to handles myself, how to adress and go about how i am experiencing myself. so yes if theres a word i can use to define how i am experiencing myself its 'unclarity'. the experience of anxiety seems to have gone down a little bit after eating, meaning that after eating i do experience a bit of a heaviness within my body; but, the anxiety is still there. and it seems to have a direct relationship to this experience of unclarity.

....initially today i felt that things started off not so good today because i had little time to get everything i wanted to get done in the morning before coming to work. but even before that very soon after i woke up i remember that i experience the fear of death coming up. and actually before i went to sleep yesterday or even as i went to sleep yesterday i was experience this fear of death, this feeling unsafe fearing as i thought i can actually die of a heart attack tonight. i mean often it happens that at night i am aware that or think thay the heart attck while im asleep is coming and it IS going to get her and happen and i dont k ow exactly when and so i experience not going to be feel safe and experiencing unease withkn myself at what i perceive as the fact that i could go through the experience of a painful sudden and possibly dissapointing experience of a heart attack tonight, so its like my mind aknowledging that its not all safe but that something very bad could happen very soon.

and so i went to sleep experiencing myself that way and i woke up experiencing myself that way and now that i rember iwhen i woje up and experiences that fwar of death it came with this unease and instability and thus inside nyself there was this like restlessness that i wasnt comfortable and that i couldnt or wasnt stable or able to be stable and calm and at a sufficient degree of inner peace as stability. another way of saying it is that i wasnt or couldnt calm down and be relaxed and at ease because i experienced myself as feeling deeply bothered by this experience of fwra if death. and i mean, this fear of death experience tenda to be an experience that paralizes me. i become paralized as i feel to bothered and disturbed within myself and scared by the idea and experience of fear of death to want to do anything but just stare at my experience in dismay. and so to put it i to words its this ezperience that i experience when i allow myself to give in to becoming paralized that is the same experience that i was bothered by.

and so yeah i woke up feeling this way. there was this like depression and or diappointment and like the opposite if enthusiasm about this experience of fear if death. 

also with this experience what i have been experiencing today and i think also other days when i experience this experience is that i feel that i am off touch with myself, that i am not being myself, that i cannot find my self expression, that the way that i am acting is an act, like playing a part. 

and so this is a description of how ive been feeling today. and now i feel irritated.

all 8n all i think the mind is trying to destabilize me in order to have me surrender to it as an emotional experience and in that control me, and that to a degree that is what this experience is about - to have submit to its control, to enslavemnt

Memories haunting my present

 9-6-22

so, i did an exercise where i deliberately went into a memory with an emotional charge that was suggested on the suppression audios in the atlanteans series. so i was in this memory for some minutes, and i experienced the emotinal reaction as i went into this memory which i have been reacting towards here and there every time it ever comes up in my mind for years. this memory is where i went to try and visit and give something to a girl i used to date who wanted nothing to do with me. i feel so stupid for going to see her in the way that i did. i was all high on pills and i made up this tupid cheap gift for her and i mean i feel thay it was ridiculous and when i remember it it affects me somewhat intensely. now, after i when into this memory for some minutes and then stopped, a few minutes passed and i noticed that this emotional reaction of regret that im gonna die and yeah that whole emotional show that i have been going into almost every day and which i wrote about yesterday, it started to come up. now, this is in the morning where i woke up, i did a good session of thechno tutor, and im on my way to work and i feel fresh and ready to try and have a good day. so my point is that i lo9k at this is it comes to mind the question of or the consideration or contemplation of - is it that all these emotional reaction... that all these suppressed memories with emotional charges attached to them are actually what is behind these intense emotional reaction daily episodes i experience which i feel that i dont have up to now control to stop them from happening over and over again? and i mean if i can put it in a more general form, that its all these memories which are suppressed and have these emotional charges attached to them, that they are still living and playing out in me and in my life even if i am not aware of it, and that they are coming out in one way or another, and that these memories, which are plenty, are why my life is so fucked up as in why my experience of myself in my day to day life is so fucked up.

 ...because, i forgot to add that the emotional reaction experience that experienced about the memory felt similar to the emotional reaction and narrative about ofh fuck im gonna die why why. similar enough for me to realize that they are of the same emotional charge.

i find this quite interesting. becaus ethat means that if i can get myself to start releasing the energy charges feom these memories, to the point where i ca remember them and no reactions are coming up about the anymore, that i can realy start to ease up my experience of myself.

.....fuethermore, what i am seeing is that deep down i side of me am still reacting to the experiences of my past as if they had just happend earlier today or yeasterday or even just now. so yeah, all that shot which was traumatic for me in the past 8n those days when it happened and i experienced myself in a certain way which wasnt nice, all that shit deep down on deeper levels of my mind i have always been experiencing it.

these points are points that i am aware that they ecist within me but that 8 have for many years suppressed and to an extent ignored because yhere has been a kind of giving up that has take pkace inside of myseof in relation to such points as i have not been able or effective at transcending them and so i have given up like saying "i cant deal with this so i am going to forget about it"....these experiences really affected me back then and they are still affecting me now. every day i can see my past childhood trauma playing out, but i have just accept it as "this is how things are and i cant change it right" so i just experience the experiences and always to some degree attempt to suppress them. i see that these things are so automatically suppreßed that i dont consciously see that i am suppressing them every day even though deep down i am aware that i am doing so.

every day i experience my body becoming stiff. every day i experience i tense shocks in my mind and body. and it is always about feeling afraid of others, social anxiety. fearing that i will be attacked by others. i mean its always related to that. i am always afraid and very self conscious about how i move, what i do, how i speak. and this shock, i can also call it stress, fear, etc has become very extensive in my day to day life, to the point that it feels that i am burning in hell in my life and my mind . ....and its why i very often tend to feel that others are laughing at me/judging me..... i mean, the particular trauma experiences i am talking about are the bullying that i experienced as a child/teenager. the way that i reacted to the bullying, the way i felt, is something i am still experiencing to this day.

....so i was thinking asking myself where did my fear come from. as i notices again that every time my heart aches it is automatically accompanied by the energy emotion experience of fear. what came up is that i remember than when i was a child i started to experience paranoia as fear that a monster was going to kill me after being exposed to movies or shows that fall into the genre of horror. and now in day i suffer from an extreme case of oaranoia and fear. 

Ranting about the overwhelming experiences I have been stuck on lately

 9-5-22

so today not much time ago i started going into these automatic emotional experiences where i start thinking that i regret not doing things differently and in a bettter way in the times which are now as they say 'the past'; the opportunities that i now see that i had and i as they say "wanna kick myself in the ass" for not using them to my real benefit. ive been feeling overwhelmed. and i mean, ive been feeling overwhelmed in the sense that i am writing about it now for like half a year. actually maybe for longer. i mean, life has been overwhelming for probably most of my life. even though i spent a bunch of time sedated and numb consumed and gone in the experience of masturbation to picture images on drugs, there was always moments where i would experience panic attacks which was not nice. and so more and more the overwhelmingnes has been getting more extensive and seemingly inescapable. and now since about 6 months ago i got to the point where i lost hope the most i ever have in that i can actually make it to life(eternal life). what i have perceived as my worsest fear or worsest nightmare for ablut a decade now f8nally came true/manifested. and im talking about that since six months ago my hearts health go suddenly so bad that i dont have any hope left that i can actualy somehow turn everything around and rebirth myself as life here on earth anymore. ..... i expected to die since like april and i am still alive. and, as strange or bizarre or absurd as it may sound to some people, when i stop masturbating my heart starts to worsen fast and it gets to the point to where if i hadnt masturbated i would have already have died of a heart attack. i mean, i did stop for a month and my heart was getting very bad to the point i didnt think i would live another month. but eventually i started masturbating again and my health got apparently or seemingly better. the symptoms started disapearing. and so my theory is that when i stop masturbating all the energy which i have been suppressing in my lower body as in my genital area by not letting it rise up by masturbating constantly and ejaculating, all that energy starts riaing up and that energy, as some put it - because of karma, as 8n that i created a very toxic energy - it is an energy that is fatal to my heart. well something like that. anyways, what ive been thinking is that i cant stop masturbating anymore because i will just die, and so that i have to find a way to make the best of it that i can, meaning that its best to not just use that as an excuse to just masturbate to my hearts desire, but that i should only masturbate as much as is necessary and no more than that. 

anyway, i have been experiencing these intense overwhelming emotions that .....well i see that i am experiencing these automatic cycles inside me of emotions and thoughts. and its gotten very overwhelming. the regret i experience almost every day is extensive. and well this point of i had opportunities to change but i abused those opportunities and now i am at a point where my death has become inevitable - how i experience myself as reacting in relation to that is really really bad. it feels like my mind is burning in hell. and it doesnt stop for the most part. its every day. and well, i have realized that its more about what i am experiencing inside of myself as the enotional and thought reactions than about the actual fact that i am going to die. in otherwords what i am experiencing i side myself is what is making my life hell. and to this day i have not released myself from this automatic cycle of reactions.

i look back and i think that when i was with my ex girlfriend patricia i had a great opportunity to life there and that i missed it. we actually got to a point where we were living together for some months and eventually i left because thi gs got very toxic between us. its been about 2 years since i left her and went to live on ny own and so yeah i kives alone and i spent a lot of time alone and i went into the point of drugs and masturbation to inages extensively. and now i find myself living with my mom these past about 2 or 3 months because i disnt want ro be alone. and so i regret that when i had the chanse to have my own family as my wife and my son and had the chance to have a decent paying job, and when my health was still not at a point where it was necessarily something thag it was too late to turn around. i mean i could have been a distributor and walked an agreement with patricia and we couldve both been using techno tutor and i could have also learned some really good things from her.... i missed all that. i guess i can probably say that i threw all that to the trash, those opportunities. and so i regret that i didnt so things differently, or i just regret that things didnt happen differently. i wish i would have been more open with her and accepting of her, because like fuck she was so in love with me it seems, and she wanted wverything with me. but now eventually we became enemies and i dont think she could ever forgive me and stop wishing and hoping that i die. she is the one that eventually fired the kill shot at me, the lethal blow. she is an alchemist, a witch, and k ows how to use my karma against me and deliberately murder me. and she did. she said some of the shit that i did was just unacceptable. she said that i sucked her dry. and that shit when i think about it i think it sucks really bad and i become overwhelmed with regret and self pity and stress and worry/fear and victimization. overwhelmed to the point that it feels like im burning in hell i side of me. i mean, the emotion that stands out when i say that i feel that im burning i. hell seems to be stress. the stress has gotten to the point to where it feels like there is some toxic chemical running theouhout all my body. and so, well, to just remain a victim to these automatic emotional reaction cycles, well, i dont want to accept it, it is unacceptable, i cant continue this way. and the question is how can i change it?

what i can do is to continue studying these emotions on eqafe, and also to continue doing sf every day, but i stead of just doing it in my mind to do it in actual writing and in a more structural way. and that, i dont have to expect results right away, but that the results might start to show after a while of consistant application. and well if its been .onths and im still alive and i have been consistent in my application then i can turn to cerise or andrea and show them that i have been consistent in my writing and applying the tools and that i havent been able to free myself, or even just ask them to reconsider them allowing me to do dip and have a buddy again. and well, also i want to say that it would be cool if i could be remain focused on what im doing and not u ecessarily distract myself and spend time on bullshit.