7/31/21 my "ex" caught me

 7/31/21

Some years ago i was homeless. One time i was walking by the sidewalk, next to a street. In those moments, minutes, maybe hours, i was feeling very fightened, paranoid, panicking; as i was afraid that others could tell i would stick objects up my butt and pretend i was something like a woman. Now, i had been doing that around those noments, i mean wether earlier that day ir the previous day. And so when i do that to myseld there is a fear that comes with it afterwards where i think it shows by the way i walk. So i guess its like having my great shame exposed.

So i was walking and i was somewhat paranoid. But when the panic and i guess like petrification, in a way, hit me hard was when i was going to walk across a street where there was a car just there in stop mode as it was waiting for the red light to turn green, and i was going to walk oassed the car, right in front of it, as it was facing me. That caused or triggered extensive fright within me. So i was walking pases the car pased the street and so my panic attack hit me, and as usual, when my oanic attack hits me what happens is that the very extent of my fear manifests that which i fear right there and then, meaning that me fearing that my sexuality, however messed up it may be, shows, ...me fearing it will show in the way walk and move causes me to actually walk in such a way that it shows, or so i believe and perceive.

So there i was freaking out as i was walking passed and .....well actually ....when i was walki g passed or starting to walk passes, i mean i was already quite frightenes, but then i turnes my head to look at the car and i saw there was a girl in that car who i used to be "in love" with, whom i didnt talk to anymore, but i had sort of dated her some time ago, and so when i saw her face in the car and i saw her just staring at me what happened is that i experienced my panic attack skyrocket. So that means my experience of shame skyrocketed in that moment. My body became a lot more stiff and in shock and had a more rigid motion. I was like a robot going haywire breaking down; thats how i experienced my body and mind in that moment.

Eventually i had walked pased completely and that car had gone its way and was no longer around; but i was like "OH, MY, GOD - THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!". 

An interesting question would be (or is) - why was it such a big deal for that that girl in particular saw me like this? In such a fucked up state. Is it some kind of extensive fear of loss? Or was it me seeing a reflection of my own self-shame? What is it that i feared losing in that moment? And whatever i did fear lossing - why did i fear losing it? What did lossing that particular point mean to me deep down? What did it really or can it really reveal about who i am as what i am accepting and allowing? As my accepted and allowed existent self-relationship.

7/30/21 the gift in my lonesome pain

 7/30/21

I forgive myself for accepting amf allowing myself to fear bwimg alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being lonely, alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to fear isolation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and find people or beings to cling onto out of fear of being by myself with myself and meeting myself.

I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to fear losing myself if i am alone.

I forgive myself for not allowimg myself to be intimate and develop bery deep intimacy with myself.

Inforgive myself for avvepting and allowing myself to fear being with my pain in aloneness.

I forgive myself for not allowing mysekf to realize that the reason why i hate myself so much is because i have not accepted and embraced my pain - which is a fundamental part and aspect or element of myself.

I forgive myswlf for not realizing that by not accepting my pain i have not accepted myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting amd allowing myself to accept mysef in accepting my pain amd sufferatiin as a fundamental part and phase or stage of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and despise my pain and therefore hate and despise myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to escape myself by escaping my pain, and thus having a void within me, an incompleteness and unfulfillment that i try to make up for by drugs or porn and masturbation or by love and trying to find people to cling onto in order to distract myself feom ny own misery as myself. But the more i run and hide the more shallow and miserable and suffocated i become.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswld to fear self-honesty.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myswlf to realise and see that if i cant forgive myself its because i have not accepted really to be honest with myself, for example by hiding from my pain not allowing myself to be intimate qith myself and devwlop self-intimacy; thus i am making a statement of self-hatred as what i desperately hold onto in fear of simpky just getting to meet myself for real.

When and as i see myself trying to escape my pain either by addictiin or by trying to cling on to the idea of someone to try and mask and supress my fear of loneliness as my seof intimate pain, i stop, breathe, i realize i am trying to resist myseld and in resisting myself i will only hate myself more and will make my life nore and more miserable and mora amd more a lie, when the great answer and complete fulfilment and gratefulness i have been searching for all my life is right here as myself waiting for me to see it and meet it as myself and be with it as myself. Thus i commit myself to push myself more and more to be self honest, that i may embrace and face and gift myself self honest principled living that i may realize self honesty as who i really am as one and equal as all.

7/28/21 only happening in my imagination

7/28/21

A point i started looking at yesterday is that by me allowing myself to participate in playing out imaginary scenarios in my mimd, for instance having a conversation or interaction in my imagination with the girl i like, ....when i do this what is said is that my brain cant tell the difference between real life and imagination, so when i do this my brain registers that i have already experienced this interaction, which i long for, in real life. So its like in my brain or some level of my mind i have already won, meanwhile when it comes to actual reality here in the physical world i dont talk with her or even look at her because i am too scared; and it makes sense to consider that in a way in my brain or at some level of my mind i am like not even interested in a real interactiin with that girl really because i already had it in my mind in my imagination.

I mean, its the same with masturbation. If i masturbate to images my brain registers that i have been effective at having sex in real life and therefore i am a winner and thus i do not, maybe intuitively, have to develop effective socially interactive relationships because i simply do not need to, because what for? What for if i already according to my brain effectively experienced what i had to, what i wanted to.

Thus by stopping accepting and allowing such interactions in my imagination i am forcing those interaction to have to take place in real life, here in the real physical world. And i have some reason or intuitive insight or have some level of confidence in considering that they will indeed happen in real life because it is interactions that i want to see happen probably at deeper layers in my mind so they will be have to be brought about one way or another. In otherwords i will, perhaps intuitively, provide myself with the drive necessary to see to it that these interactions and experiences do really come to pass/happen, that they very much do take place.

That is something which i would really like, because existing only on the mind wherein i experiwnce social relationships and interactions only in my mind within the confines of the imagination is very like meaningless and unfulfilling and minute. I want the real thing because it will be a lot more meaningful and significant and rewarding and fulfilling and extensive, and liberating.

I do see that i have beem lacking like enough drive to bring these interactions and relationships about in real life and this is likely to an extent why. I guess certain neural pathways will have to be fed one way or another. Best to let them feed off of real life than imagination.

7/27/21

I forgive myswlf for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing panic attacks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that other people will say or comunicate or know that i am or have been gay.

Its not that i am fully gay but ive just experiences myself foe some time in a way as what that is defined to be.

I forgove myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to ecperience myself as losing myself as my body becomes stiff and rigid amd my footsteps tense ajd fearful and my back and neck stigfen and in my mind i am like in some hoeeor movie where my woest nightmare is at least to an extent coming true as the experience of a panic attack as i fear that other will now know that i am a despicable human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having this experience reoccur and therefore i kive in fear of possible scenarios where i believe that this panic experience can potentialy or likely unfold and play out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiemcing these panic attacks.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize thay nothing real will change if such am experience would happen as in that which i fear happening, i mean what do i really fear about others seeing that oh my gid he is gay? What the hell do i really fear?

7/26/22 my muscles are uneven

7/26/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in being concerned wether they way in which i work out is working out my left muscles more than my right ones and that therefore since it works out my left muscles more than my right ones and up to now i havent been able to get them both to be worked out the same - my left side is getting more buff than my right side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswkf to fear that my left aide wull be more bufd than my right side because then that will not, according to me and my ideas and beliefs of what is right, be acceptavle to aociety as women (which is the beings that i am trying to impress with getting bigger muscles and being stronger).

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myawlf to fear not being accepted by women as far as how my muscles look as i develop them.

So what comes up, which is a point that i resist to look at, is that i am not working out from the starting point of supporting what is best for all life. I am working out because there is a particular girl that i believe that i like and i want to manipulate her into desiring me by getting my body to look more attractive to the point she will not be able to resist. And within this i see that i am trying to impress her with bigger muacles as a more attractive body because i see myself as less than when it comes my personality and having an attractive personality.

A question is - do i have to stop working out to get bigger muscless as an attempt to get a girl to desire me in order to do or stand as what is best for all? This is a questiin that i fear looking into because, even though i am not certain of the answer, i do not want to have to stoo working out in order to stand as self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear looking into the point because i fear giving this up, because i desire to be admired and desired by this girl.

I forgive myself for acvepting amd allowing myself to believe or fear that i will nessesarily have to give working out up.

...i dont know the answer to that fucking question. I mean, i like a girl and i want to work out and get buff to attract her, and so what!

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to believe that i have to stop working out in order to be self honest.

Its okay to work out.

...

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to burden and stress myseld out by worrying wether my left side is getting buffer than my right, instead of just working out and thats it.

I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to fear that my left body will be somewhat buffer than my right, i mean - so what if it is?

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear that my body will not look "right" or "correctly".

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to believe that women or people in general will not accept me if my left side is somewhat buffer than my right.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to torture myself with stress and worry that my body will not be even based on a belief which i jave accepted myself to generate in my mind, when all the while the potential and pissibikities that exist in reality that can be created and experienced are not something that can be seen through the mind because the mind sees things one dimensionally as thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by amd through my own beliefs which are one dimensional.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to imprison myself in the prison of my own beliefs as these one dimensiinal ideas rhat ive accepted and allowed myself to believe which limit me because when i beliwvw my beliefs i now dont see how anything else can be true or take place bit that which i believe. And thus i am closed within a belief.

7/25/21 angry at the electric bill part 2

7/25/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger that i found a light bill which i thought was mine wherein i owed more money than i thought i did and was due sooner than i thought it was.

Why did i become angry? Because i allowed myself to blame the light bill or electric company in some way for me not being able to do that which i wanted to with my money. I mean, something like that. I forgive myseld that i accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the electric company, as i thought that this was some bullshit because i wasnt supposed to owe so much money.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myswld to become angry with the electric bill and electric company because i saw a significant threat to my plans.

My plans were to get a gym membership, buy more protein powder, and buy new clothes. Those plans revolved around the idea that there is this girl at work which according to me i like her ...a lot, and i want to look more attractive because i want her to want me, to desire me, because in a way i want to have her or to know that i can have her.

So i became angry because i want that girl and that light bill represented an obstacle getting in my way from getting that girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to an extent to blame the electric bill and electric company for me not being able to get what i want.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in blaming the electric company and bill as beco ing angry at it i am in a way supressing my own shame because deep down i know that i am where i am purely because of what i have ultimately accepted and allowed within myself within and as existence.

I forgive myself for acceptung and allowing myself to be so desperate to attra t that girl's attention amd admiration that when i saw that i might not be able to get myseld the gym membership, the protein powder, and the new clothes i became devastated. What i see is that my anger also represented my stubborness.

I forgive myswlf for accepting amd allowing myself to fear that i will not have this girl.

So why do i fear that i will not have this girl as in even be with her? Because....because i think she is beautiful and i guess i am addicted to how i feel about her. Plus in my mind some time ago when i started having feelings about her i saw these feelinga as a point that i could use to support me to change my life because i decided in my mind that i would rather have these feelings of love along with this girl in my life instead of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to or to pursue my addiction for how i feel about thia girl as feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear not eventually being with this girl.

I forgive myself for acceptung and allowing myswlf to believe that i need to be with this girl in order to chamge my life. I mean, yes it can be an oportumity, but just being with her is not exactly what is going to free me from the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs, but rather me deconstructing the point and reverse engeneering it in specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswlf to fear that if i do not have this girl that i will not make it out of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myseld for not allowing myself to realize and see that i became angry at the electric bill and company because i fear that i will not be able to make it out of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself in a way to responsibilize the el ttic bill and company for me not making it out of the addiction to mastirbation and drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myseld to place responsibility in me making it out of the addiction to masturbation and drugs on others such as the girl and thwrefore i would fear losing her or not having her, because i am not placing or accepting complwtely the responsibility over my existence which includes the mess i have allowed myswlf to get myswlf into as foe example the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs and everything that it encompases and represents and signifies.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myswlf to live in fear that i am not enough to save myself and therefore i look for a saviour.

I mean, its okay to see others as opportunities but all in all it is to understand that ultimately i and i alone am the only one which will be freeing myself from my own accepted and allowed creation and its consequence; nothing and no one else will.

When and as i see myswlf becoming angry at somwthing and thus blaming it that things are not the way i want them or would like for them to be i stop, i breathe, i realize that this is an oportunity for me to potentially realize where i have not allowed myswlf to take responsi ility for my ecistence and so where i have accepted and allowed myawlf to separate myself from myself. Thus i commit myself to push myself to dare to be honest with myself more when i wxperiwnce reactions such as anger that something is not goinf the way i want it to, that i may be self honest and accept and embrace that i cannot blame anyone or anything outside of myself for myself (my self-existence) amd that blaming is allow myself to separate myself feom myself and thus to be incomplete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beliwve that i am not wnough to free myself from the addictiin to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in my mind as less than others and therefore i believw i need others to save me from myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize and understand that i am equal to everyone and everything else which means that yes i am able to free myself from my own accepted and allowed creation of ans as enslavemwnt.

If others can save themselves then so can i.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look in and theough leslue for my saviour and salvation instead of accepting and allowing myself to look at and for her as me being a man who will save himself and who is willing to share his self responsible and aelf honest and self forgiven life with another as with her.

I commit myself to push myself to see and realize and understand that i am my own saviour, my own creator, and i am not less than anything or anyone essentially so yes i can trust myself with myself and know that yes i am enough to free myswlf, i am more than capable, and so i will. And furthermore i commit myself to apply amd live this realization practically.

7/24/21 angry at the electric bill

 

7/24/21

Earlier today i came across a certain situation which triggered an anger reaction within me.

What happened is that, since yesterday or a few days ago i had already planned what i would be doing with my paycheck. I wanted to get a gym membership, buy some protein powder to gain more muscle, and buy some clothes,...not to mention also all the basic nesecities that i have to pay for such as food.

So everything seemed to be about to go according to planned. I had just gotten home from buying all my groceries and i had already tooken care of all my most basic needs. So now i was exited to go and get my gym membership and protein powder and buy some new clothes. Then i looked at my mail box and i saw my light bill envelope. I opened it and to my surprise it said i owed over 100 dollars and that i had to pay at the latest in 3 days from now or my electricity would be cut off. I was not expecting that because it should have been at the most 40 dollars (plus the 40 dollars i already owe from the previous month) plus i was expecting my deadline to be in a few weeks. I became angry and started punching things and yelling "FUCK!!!FUCK YOUU!!!" and shit like that.

I was pissed off because i did not have any extra money and so if i decided to pay the bill i would not be able to do any of the extra things i wanted as get gym membership, protein powder, and clothes. I was thinking about it for some minutes. I wanted that gym membership bad, as well as the other things. For a second i decided to go through with my personal plans anyways, but then i decided that i really had no choice but to pay the bill, or simply that it was the most self honest choice.

Within these moments within this scenario i became depressed, sad.

Then i realized that bill wasnt mine, it had a different account number and another persons name. I pulled out an old light bill copy with my account number on it and i called the city light company to see how much i owed, and sure enough i only owed 80 dollars and it was due like 3 weeks from now. So yes i was a bit relieved.

7/23/21 being made fun of in middle school part 2

 

7/23/21

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment when andrew would say "when i say weak ass you say noa" and most of my grade would chant along, in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus perceive that i was being disrespected.

I forgive myself for perceiving and defining this as bad and therefore when it would happen i believed and perceived something bad was happening to me and thus i would react emotionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility over how i feel and therefore would be subject to how others treat me as far as that determining how i feel.

I forgive myself that i had not allowed myself to see that i was just busy trying to manipulate my enviornment and myself. Thats, at least to an extent why i would feel shitty and have a bad day when others would make fun of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my enviornment such as andrew and those chanting along for how i was feeling inside such as the emotional reaction experience of fear, embarrasment, shame, anger, and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear and shame when all those kids would start going along with the chant.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that those emotional reactions where already in some way existing inside me and therefore they had nothing to do with andrew amd the others chanting about me; all those people where just oportumities for me to see the nastiness that was already existing within me.

Why was i experiencing fear? Because i saw the situation as a threat for me. How was it a threat? It was a threat to me because i wouldnt be able to have access to the priviliges that i would have if i had a high social status amongst all the other kids, such as being venerated amd treated nicely and having the girls like me more.

.....it seems puzzling to really get to grasp specifically exactly why i would react to being made fun of. It might seem normal to react the way i did but there is definitely a specific reason for why i would wxpwriwnce a reaction inside mw triggwred by all these kids chanting about me.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswlf to experience feeling and defining and percwivimg myself as being humiliated.

I forgive myself for acceptimg and allowing myself to think and believe that i am being humiliated in that moment.

I forgive myself for not allowing myswlf to realize that it is really in my handa how i see any given situation amd however i do see it is but a reflection of what exists inside me.

I forgive myswlf for not allwimg myswlf to realize that i was the one that was busy humiliating myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that i am the one who was sad with myself as in my accepted and allowed relationship with myself, wherein i was the one who was busy sitting in the sidelines in life not creating my life to be the way i wanted it to. For example at that age i had a string desire to have sex with a girl but instead of making it happen i was busy mastirbating and feelimg sorry about myswlf.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to wallow and exist in self pitty instead of allowing myswlf to create the ideal life that i wanted to expwriwnce for myself.

I forgive myswlf for acceptimg amd allowing myswlf to let fear stop me from living a badass life.

When and as i see myself wallowing in sadness or fear or shame for what i am experiencing in my life, i stop, breathe, and realize i am allowing myswlf to sabotage myself with self pitty and that if i can just put my ego aside a bit to not allow self pitty i can come to see that the grest life ive been wanting all my life is right here, i just need to come and get it as me as it is me!

I commit myself to push myself to stop sabotaging myself with and theough self pitty so that i can realize i can create the life i want and then actually go amd do it- mo ing myswlf past the limitations and reaistances of fear and shame.

7/22/21 being made fun of in middle school

7/22/21

When i was younger, in middle school, i was very often made fun of every day. I remember sometimes when our entire grade was outside waiting for our teachers to come pick us up to take us to our next class a kid named Andrew, who was popular and known for being very funny, would start chanting or yelling to the whole grade "WHEN I SAY WEAK ASS YOU SAY NOAH!" (Noah being my middle name). Almost everyone would go along. So he would yell "WEAK ASS!!!!" then a lot of people would yell back "NOAH!!" And he would keep on doing it. He would aslo after that say "WHEN I SAY WEAK ASS YOU SAY BITCH" and the same thing would happen.

For me the way i experienced it or perceived i experienced it was....well first of all it was very embarrasing. Yes i would feel very humiliated. It was a big blow to my ego and pride. I did not like it. I wanted it to stop. I supose i also felt ashamed. And angry too. And perhaps sad to an extent.

Now that i look back i remember experiencing depression as a child. Not sure if it had to do with that, or more with my situation at home. Thats another point.

Why did i react with humiliation and embarrasment, anger, shame, sadness? Well because i perceived i was being disrespected and that my social status was being like put down or degraded, and i did not want that. Why? Well....because why would i want to be treated that way by a lot of people. ...is it normal per say that i was reacting that way, or where is it within this that i abdicated responsibility? Well i mean, as a child what was i supposed to do? I did not know any better. But now i do. So now is the time to take reaponsibility for myself in all ways.

There is definitely a way i created this though, even if i wasnt aware of it at that moment.

So, specifically how did i create myself that i experienced myself this way as reactions when i was being bullied in middle school? And even more specifically the particular scenario i described.

7/21/21 supressimg that i dont like myself

 

7/21/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that today i will not have a good day at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will have a bad day at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will not feel good about myself at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will feel bad about myself at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to fear feeling fearful at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling ashamed of myself at work today.

I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to fear feeling embarrased at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to fear feeling humiliated at work today .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling or experiemcing whatever i do come to feel or experience while at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being liked at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for others at work to like me so that i can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself buy wanting others to like me so that i feel good instead of simply feeling good with me liking myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress that i do not like myself by wanting others to like me so that i can feel better about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing that i do not like myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself in supressing that i dont like myself allow that to compund in my mind underneath the surface to where it eventually comes out in self destructive ways as vengeful self hatred.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the only solution to this is to face that i do not like myself and that i feel bad about myself, because in supressing it and looking for others to like me so that i feel better about myself this will not remove the fact that deep down i dont like myself and that therefore i feel like shit about myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the more i supress that i do not like myself and that therefore i feel bad about myself the more i will not like myself and thus the more i will feel worser and worser about myself, as by supressing it it compunds and becomes more and more extensive the longer i keep supressing it, until it eventually compunds to the point that it takes over my conscious mind through possesion.

7/20/21 procrastination as self-sabotage

 7/20/21

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as procrastination.

I forgive myself that in existing in and as procrastination i have caused myself, as a consequence thereof, to become lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as laziness.

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that in existing in amd as procrastination amd thus laziness i am sabotaging myself wherein this leads to depression as i just give up and start wasting my time and opportunities by living in vain just distracting myself following my mind's feelings and cravings without self directive principle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted amd allowed myself to procrastinate by distracting myself with things that is not of self directive principle, and within this i forgive myself for thereof allowing myself ti exist as shame.

I forgive mysf for not allowing myself to realize thay by accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate i am accepting and allowing myself to supress shame.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that my depression is to an extent caused by my accepted and allowed shame.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to exist in amd as self-hatred as supressed shame.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to keep myself enslaved to the addiction to masturbation to images through accepting amd allowing myself to exist as suppresses shame which then builds up until it takes over and it comes forh as self-destructive vengeful self-hatred.

When and as i see myself procrastinating or wanting to procrastinate i stop, breathe, amd realize that i am busy supressimg my shame (and even guilt) and creating self hatred. I commit myself to push myself to stop procrastinating so that i may stop laziness, and so depression as shame (and guilt too) and self-hatred.

7/19/21 It is okay to masturbate

 7/19/21

Today i masturbated a lot of times and i was feeling bad about it afterwards. I was feeling scared cuz i was now awaiting my consequence, like tomorrow experiencing more fear at work. But then i used my technotutor to make a few custom lists about how i was ecperiencing myself and what i realized and remembered was that it is okay. How could it not be okay? I dont mean that i want to stay in the pattern but that it is okay because nothing is personal. 

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to masturbate many times today.

I forgive myself that i acvepted and allowed myself to watch porn.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be regretful afterwarfs and even while i was masturbating.

I forgive myself that i did not allow myself to see that i was taking my preprograming personally.

I forgove myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my preprograming personally.

I forgive myself for judging myself that i allowed myself to participate in "the forbiden action" and in that judging myself like "how dare u hiram! You shall now be condemned!".

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be like a religious person who follows an authority out of fear and in that not allowing myself to understand things for myself.

I forgive myself for beLIEving that falling into masturbation to porn is bad, in that allowing myself to split myself into polarity, when it is just what it is, neither good nor bad.

Now that i look back i remember when i started masturbating at about 13 years old i would not feel bad about it at all. But then when i started masturbating anally like at 15 years old i started feeling bad about it. Its funny or ....just like wow that for example i used to skateboard a lot and do dangerous stunts on my skateboard and when i would anal masturbate i would later on while i was skateboarding preforming dangerous stunts feel or think that i am probably going to fall really bad and hurt myself because i have bad karma because i did somwthing bad by anal masturbating. And i mean, as a little boy i grew up being very homophobic and so to me it was very bad to anal masturbate.

So here i am seeing how i messed myself up by seeing it as bad - which comes with shame and guilt and fear that now i deserve something bad to happen to me. 

When and as i see myself judging myself that i masturbated or checked out a girl, i stop, i breathe, and i realize that its okay. Its okay to fall. Its gonna happen. I sure as hell am tired of feeling guilty and ashamed and scared that i have masturbated, its fucked up living this way. I commit myself to push myself to realize that its okay to experience whatever i do come to experience as in that i dont need to judge myself amd that self judgment is like a box ive been trapped in which in a way is not real. It is to be trapped in polarity.

7/7/21 Giving myself back to myself

 7/7/21

GIVING MYSELF BACK TO MYSELF

I forgive myself that i have accepted amd allowed myself to blame others in anyway whatsoever.

Thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as nlaming them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others instead of only looking at myself to qork on myself by taking accountability and responsibility of for myself, and in/theough this being gwnerous and kind to myself by actually giving myself the opportunity to change myself as my life through investigating, forgiving, and correcting myself.

When and as i see myself judging/blaming another, i stop, breathe, i realise i am blaming them and by blaming them sabotaging myself because i cam only have the opportunity of living a better more worthwhile amd complete life if i stoo blaming and judging others and bring everything of myself back to myself and forgive it amd chamge ut as myself. I commit myself to walk a process of living kindness and care for myself by giving myself the opportu ity through stopping blame amd judgments of others to push myself to being that blame and those judgments back to myself so i cam be swlf honest and empower myself to create a better life for myswlf theough self responsibility in self honesty as self awareness.