8/9/21 paranoid when walking across the long hall

 8/9/21

I remember about 4 years ago when i used to work at a greenhouse. In that greenhouse whenever i had to go to the restroom i haf to walk across a long part of the greenhouse, a long hall, to get from the place where i regularly did my job at and the restroom. On the sides of that long hall were many rows of plants on each side and in or besides those rows were people working. I remember that often, if not almost all the time, when i would walk past that long hall i would have this fear or concern in me. I would be very self-conscious of how i looked as in how i moved as i walked. There was a stress within that. A fear. I feared that i would walk in a way that people would notice or be able to tell that i would participate in anal pleasure, anal sex, anal masturbation. That was how i consciously defined amd perceived my experience of fear and the idea that went along with that fear. I would say that not all the time i experienced the fear overwhelming me as in a panic attack. But there was always or almost always that concern in my head, that worry. So as i would walk i would try to hold myself together. Basically, another way of saying it is that i was paranoid, very paranoid. For example i would tilt my head back a bit as i walked, and for a while i thought it looked masculine to do that, but then later on i started thinking that i was tilting my head back the same way as when i would anal masturbate and so i became scared of me doing that.

Other examples are that i wouldnt just loosen up my waist and hips because i feared the would .aybe move to much sideways or in a way that gave the impression that i am gay or whatever. Or i would also worry expecially with the movement of my feet and legs and how i thought it looked. For example i would worry that perhaps i would pick up my feet a little bit to high off the ground as i would take each step.

One thing i recall is that my back was often stiff. I mean actually i general have seen this when i generally experience this fear. My shoulders will be stiff to and also my neck. And also my waist and sometimes my chest amd also my feet and my legs and my ass.

Why did/does this happen?

How can i stop this and free/release myself feom living this way, experiencing myself this way?

How cam i stop experiwncing myself as a victim to fear?

How can i become compmetely comfortable with the way i move and with who i am, wherein i do not fear what other think or say about me nor does it bother me whatsoever? Because this is the way i want to start experiencing myself. I want to enjoy the experience of myself in this life, in this world.