Self separation part 1

8/23/21

At the moment i feel uncomfortable about going to my job this morning. I am currently on my way over there.

Why do i feel uncomfortable? How do i feel uncomfortable?

I feel uncomfortable as i experience fear of going there and being around all those people.

Why?

Because in my mind i perceive that i am not good enough for the people there, that i am not accepted. And i have, as usual, my insecurities around being perceived as gay. But really, i mean even if i had never anal masturbated or done anything that is labeled as gay in my entire life, or in otherwords even if that perception or idea was out of the way i think or see that i would still be uncomfortable and still experience fear. Fear of what? Fear that i am not cool. ; that i will act in any way that will make others be disinterested in me as in them not being like "i like this guy, this guy is so cool" and basically have admiration and apreciation for me. In my words i can see that i want others to give me appreciation and admiration FOR me; in otherwords i want them to do this for me, instead of me having to do this myself.

Apparently who i really am deep down, beneath my mask, is not good enough, is too ugly, too despicable, too disgusting - and so others will not like me; and when i look at this right now i see that in my mind i equate others not liking me to others disliking me; and others disliking me means others not being nice to me, and this leads me to my early childhood memories of my cousins, who were like my best friends, picking on me and the experience of me not liking that and me wanting them to stop. Other people picking on me is something that happened throughout most of my life and i wished that it would have stopped, that others would of valued me and treated me as such, as someone who is valuable; and i see that i am traumatized in the sense that i fear those memories, and i dont want these situations to reoccur in my life........; its like i have my guard up all the time. No wonder i am so scared of just being myself and loosen up and open up... because i dont want to experience situations such as the ones i described - as in that i fear them.

Why do i fear them?

Because they are uncomfortable.

Why are they uncomfortable?

Fuck i dont know or im not sure. Maybe because i defined and thus perceived them as 'bad'. Because i believe and have the idea that when such situations happen something 'bad' is happening, that something bad is happening to me.