8/10/21 paranoid when walking across the long hall part 2

8/10/21

I dont know exactly why this happens to me? What i can say is that i think it happens because of the extent to which i have accumulated emotional reactions and conpounded them by suppressing them. I think masturbating to images for so many years since i was a teenager had a lot to do with my mind ending up the way it did. That and also all the drugs i did for all those years.

The way that i can change this is by continuing to regularly use techno tutor consistently, to relisten to and walk the panic attack series on eqafe, to quit masturbation to images and drugs, to continue DIP soon, to continue writing regularly, to continue breathing. To continue writing about my experiences with panic attacks to release myself from them.

To stop experiencing myself as a victim of fear i have to allow myself to stop hiding from myself, for example to stop hiding in masturbation to images, and in emotional-eating, so that who i have accepted and allowed myself to become can start coming up more and more and thus i can have access to it and face myself once and for all.

How i can become completely confortable with the way i move and not care or be bothered with what others think or say about me... well for that i need to quit masturbation to the mind for sure. Also i have to apply what the panic attack series is showing me. I also think after a while of doing DIP i will be better off in this respect. Basically i need to face myself and stop hiding so that i can let go of the guilt and shame as i stand up and live a life of self-responsibility and self-honesty. I also think TechnoTutor will play a very important role or be a very important part in me being able to face all this and set myself free from /release myself from it

SF

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to experience myself as and exist as fear and worry and insecurity as i would walk through the hall. I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear the idea that others might by the way i walk and move be able to tell that i have many times experienced anal masturbation/anal sex.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will judge me for having had allowed myself to indulge in the experiences of anal masturbation and anal sex and indulging in feeling feminine and submissive/ woman-like even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to be concerned with or care for or worry about and fear what othes will or might think or say about me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear and care and be concerned with and worry about what others will or might think or say or do if they note that i have allowed myself to indulge in the experiences of anal masturbation and feeling femenine and wanting to feel like a woman even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to tense up my whole body out of the fear and stress that i will not be able to hide that i have indulged in anal sex and anal msturbation and that i liked it and that i liked feeling feminine and submisive and woman like.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear losing control over the way i moved my body that it will tense up and show that i am afraid that others will know or think by the way that i move that i have anal masturbated and that i liked feeling feminine.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear and worry about and care and be concerned with the possibility of others laughing at me and seeing me as something like less-than if i have a panic attack and they note that i have been feminine and anal masturbated desiring to be a female even though i am a male.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will think and say that i am pathetic.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear that others will not respect me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear others not generally finding me aesthetically pleasing and therefore not being interested in me.

I forgive myself that i allowed myself to fear looking like a fool.

The question here is how did i create these fears? What do they or can they reveal and show me about myself and who i am? Because i have to bring all of this vmback to myself and stand accountable. So that i may take complete self responsi ility in self honesty.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear that people who have approved of me in a way and been kind towards me will become digusted with me and dissapointed in me if they know or think that i have anal masturbated many times before.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to live in fear of dissapointing other people.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to live confined within fear of having confrontations with other people.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that others will see that i am very scared and ashamed.