8/6/21

I forgive myself that i have accespted to live in fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted to judge fear.

I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to fear tye experience of fear.

I forgive myself that ive allowed myself to fear not being prepared for fear and thus worrying constantly about neing secure, because i am insecure, because i fear that which i pwrceive as unpleasant such as fear, such as perceiving that that which i fear being exposed of me, which i feel ashamed of, will become exposed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go mad qith fear and worry and panic about others possibly catching me, getting caught, that i have been somwthing which would fall into the category of gay because i pleasured myself and or experiwnces many times feeling an object or my fingers going through my butthole inaide my rectum, as a form of masturbation, wherein i would pretend to be or try to feel that i am something like a woman in those moments while most of thoae time i would simultaneously watch i.ages of girls asses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to live in shame of what i accepted and allowed myself to do. I forgive myself for acce pop ting and allowing myself to fear what other pwople think. I forgive mysekf for creating extebsive amd extreeme inner conflict within myself and my life. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear exposure. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowimg myself to fear experiencing myself as exposure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to fear experiwmcing myself as vulnerability. And thus within this i forgive myself that ive allowed myself to remain emcaged and imprisoned in fear amd self hatred. I forgive myself for not allowing myseof to see that i hate myself because i cant or havent allowed myaelf to be myself and express who i am as breathing. I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to judge homosexual mem as diagusting or unworthy of my reapect. I forgive myself for not reakizing that my judgment iver gay men was a reflection of the judgment that i had and have over and of my self. I forgive myself for not realizing that the hayred that ive haf towards gay men is really just the hatred that i have towards myself where i would project it onto gay men out of fear of dealing with it as facing my self hatred. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to beliwvw that i am not worthy if respect. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beliwvw that i am less than others because i have believe that i am not good enough to stand equal to others. I forgive myself for not accepting amd allowing myself to see amd realize amd understand and comprehend essentially how and why i am in reality equal to wveryone and wveruthing here in existence, and that if i become less than everyone it is because i decides that that was who i was to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for how i feel so inferior and ashamed of myself because they are judgmental instead of seeing realizing amd understanding that if i am inferior and ashamed it is becaused that is who i decided i will be, it was my own deed towards myself.

... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am unworthy of equality. I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to become consumed with shame and self pitty. I forgive myself that i have avvepted and allowed myself to be and feel ashamed of myself. I forgive myself for not allowimg myself to realize that i am the one fueling my own shame, wherein i continue to judge myself and that self judgmet keeps me livi g a life that i am ashamed of. I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize tbat i hatr myself because i judge myswlf. I forgive myself for nudging myself. I forgive myswlf for judging myself because i am scared to live as i fear seeing myself. I forgive myself for not realizing that i judge myself because i fear being here with myself and seeing myself as all that i have accepted amd allowed myself to exist as. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i nudge myself because i fear standing euqal and one to/with myself here. I forgive myself for acceptimg and allowing myself to fear being my conplete self. I forgove myself for not allowimg me to have access to myself because i separate myself feom myself as parts of myself because i judge myself and therefore i am broken abd incomplete amd unfulfilled left looking and searching for fulfilment when that fulfilment i look for is self fylfillment which is already here as myself as who i really am in its totality.

I realize that which i fear experiencing and fear lossing are the doors to myself. Its parts of myself that ive aeparated myself from which i am resisting. But taking back those parts of myself is what will bring me to self completeness, to self fulfilment. Thus, oddly what i fear is self co pketeness, self fulfilment; myself.

Some words that come up in relation to yhis arr the words 'exposure' and 'vulnerability'. Living those words would give me access to myself.