7/23/21 being made fun of in middle school part 2

 

7/23/21

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment when andrew would say "when i say weak ass you say noa" and most of my grade would chant along, in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus perceive that i was being disrespected.

I forgive myself for perceiving and defining this as bad and therefore when it would happen i believed and perceived something bad was happening to me and thus i would react emotionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility over how i feel and therefore would be subject to how others treat me as far as that determining how i feel.

I forgive myself that i had not allowed myself to see that i was just busy trying to manipulate my enviornment and myself. Thats, at least to an extent why i would feel shitty and have a bad day when others would make fun of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my enviornment such as andrew and those chanting along for how i was feeling inside such as the emotional reaction experience of fear, embarrasment, shame, anger, and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear and shame when all those kids would start going along with the chant.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that those emotional reactions where already in some way existing inside me and therefore they had nothing to do with andrew amd the others chanting about me; all those people where just oportumities for me to see the nastiness that was already existing within me.

Why was i experiencing fear? Because i saw the situation as a threat for me. How was it a threat? It was a threat to me because i wouldnt be able to have access to the priviliges that i would have if i had a high social status amongst all the other kids, such as being venerated amd treated nicely and having the girls like me more.

.....it seems puzzling to really get to grasp specifically exactly why i would react to being made fun of. It might seem normal to react the way i did but there is definitely a specific reason for why i would wxpwriwnce a reaction inside mw triggwred by all these kids chanting about me.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswlf to experience feeling and defining and percwivimg myself as being humiliated.

I forgive myself for acceptimg and allowing myself to think and believe that i am being humiliated in that moment.

I forgive myself for not allowing myswlf to realize that it is really in my handa how i see any given situation amd however i do see it is but a reflection of what exists inside me.

I forgive myswlf for not allwimg myswlf to realize that i was the one that was busy humiliating myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that i am the one who was sad with myself as in my accepted and allowed relationship with myself, wherein i was the one who was busy sitting in the sidelines in life not creating my life to be the way i wanted it to. For example at that age i had a string desire to have sex with a girl but instead of making it happen i was busy mastirbating and feelimg sorry about myswlf.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to wallow and exist in self pitty instead of allowing myswlf to create the ideal life that i wanted to expwriwnce for myself.

I forgive myswlf for acceptimg amd allowing myswlf to let fear stop me from living a badass life.

When and as i see myself wallowing in sadness or fear or shame for what i am experiencing in my life, i stop, breathe, and realize i am allowing myswlf to sabotage myself with self pitty and that if i can just put my ego aside a bit to not allow self pitty i can come to see that the grest life ive been wanting all my life is right here, i just need to come and get it as me as it is me!

I commit myself to push myself to stop sabotaging myself with and theough self pitty so that i can realize i can create the life i want and then actually go amd do it- mo ing myswlf past the limitations and reaistances of fear and shame.