7/30/21 the gift in my lonesome pain

 7/30/21

I forgive myself for accepting amf allowing myself to fear bwimg alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being lonely, alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowimg myself to fear isolation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and find people or beings to cling onto out of fear of being by myself with myself and meeting myself.

I forgive myself for acceptimg amd allowing myself to fear losing myself if i am alone.

I forgive myself for not allowimg myself to be intimate and develop bery deep intimacy with myself.

Inforgive myself for avvepting and allowing myself to fear being with my pain in aloneness.

I forgive myself for not allowing mysekf to realize that the reason why i hate myself so much is because i have not accepted and embraced my pain - which is a fundamental part and aspect or element of myself.

I forgive myswlf for not realizing that by not accepting my pain i have not accepted myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting amd allowing myself to accept mysef in accepting my pain amd sufferatiin as a fundamental part and phase or stage of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and despise my pain and therefore hate and despise myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to escape myself by escaping my pain, and thus having a void within me, an incompleteness and unfulfillment that i try to make up for by drugs or porn and masturbation or by love and trying to find people to cling onto in order to distract myself feom ny own misery as myself. But the more i run and hide the more shallow and miserable and suffocated i become.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswld to fear self-honesty.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myswlf to realise and see that if i cant forgive myself its because i have not accepted really to be honest with myself, for example by hiding from my pain not allowing myself to be intimate qith myself and devwlop self-intimacy; thus i am making a statement of self-hatred as what i desperately hold onto in fear of simpky just getting to meet myself for real.

When and as i see myself trying to escape my pain either by addictiin or by trying to cling on to the idea of someone to try and mask and supress my fear of loneliness as my seof intimate pain, i stop, breathe, i realize i am trying to resist myseld and in resisting myself i will only hate myself more and will make my life nore and more miserable and mora amd more a lie, when the great answer and complete fulfilment and gratefulness i have been searching for all my life is right here as myself waiting for me to see it and meet it as myself and be with it as myself. Thus i commit myself to push myself more and more to be self honest, that i may embrace and face and gift myself self honest principled living that i may realize self honesty as who i really am as one and equal as all.