7/22/21 being made fun of in middle school

7/22/21

When i was younger, in middle school, i was very often made fun of every day. I remember sometimes when our entire grade was outside waiting for our teachers to come pick us up to take us to our next class a kid named Andrew, who was popular and known for being very funny, would start chanting or yelling to the whole grade "WHEN I SAY WEAK ASS YOU SAY NOAH!" (Noah being my middle name). Almost everyone would go along. So he would yell "WEAK ASS!!!!" then a lot of people would yell back "NOAH!!" And he would keep on doing it. He would aslo after that say "WHEN I SAY WEAK ASS YOU SAY BITCH" and the same thing would happen.

For me the way i experienced it or perceived i experienced it was....well first of all it was very embarrasing. Yes i would feel very humiliated. It was a big blow to my ego and pride. I did not like it. I wanted it to stop. I supose i also felt ashamed. And angry too. And perhaps sad to an extent.

Now that i look back i remember experiencing depression as a child. Not sure if it had to do with that, or more with my situation at home. Thats another point.

Why did i react with humiliation and embarrasment, anger, shame, sadness? Well because i perceived i was being disrespected and that my social status was being like put down or degraded, and i did not want that. Why? Well....because why would i want to be treated that way by a lot of people. ...is it normal per say that i was reacting that way, or where is it within this that i abdicated responsibility? Well i mean, as a child what was i supposed to do? I did not know any better. But now i do. So now is the time to take reaponsibility for myself in all ways.

There is definitely a way i created this though, even if i wasnt aware of it at that moment.

So, specifically how did i create myself that i experienced myself this way as reactions when i was being bullied in middle school? And even more specifically the particular scenario i described.