7/25/21 angry at the electric bill part 2

7/25/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger that i found a light bill which i thought was mine wherein i owed more money than i thought i did and was due sooner than i thought it was.

Why did i become angry? Because i allowed myself to blame the light bill or electric company in some way for me not being able to do that which i wanted to with my money. I mean, something like that. I forgive myseld that i accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the electric company, as i thought that this was some bullshit because i wasnt supposed to owe so much money.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myswld to become angry with the electric bill and electric company because i saw a significant threat to my plans.

My plans were to get a gym membership, buy more protein powder, and buy new clothes. Those plans revolved around the idea that there is this girl at work which according to me i like her ...a lot, and i want to look more attractive because i want her to want me, to desire me, because in a way i want to have her or to know that i can have her.

So i became angry because i want that girl and that light bill represented an obstacle getting in my way from getting that girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to an extent to blame the electric bill and electric company for me not being able to get what i want.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in blaming the electric company and bill as beco ing angry at it i am in a way supressing my own shame because deep down i know that i am where i am purely because of what i have ultimately accepted and allowed within myself within and as existence.

I forgive myself for acceptung and allowing myself to be so desperate to attra t that girl's attention amd admiration that when i saw that i might not be able to get myseld the gym membership, the protein powder, and the new clothes i became devastated. What i see is that my anger also represented my stubborness.

I forgive myswlf for accepting amd allowing myself to fear that i will not have this girl.

So why do i fear that i will not have this girl as in even be with her? Because....because i think she is beautiful and i guess i am addicted to how i feel about her. Plus in my mind some time ago when i started having feelings about her i saw these feelinga as a point that i could use to support me to change my life because i decided in my mind that i would rather have these feelings of love along with this girl in my life instead of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to or to pursue my addiction for how i feel about thia girl as feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear not eventually being with this girl.

I forgive myself for acceptung and allowing myswlf to believe that i need to be with this girl in order to chamge my life. I mean, yes it can be an oportumity, but just being with her is not exactly what is going to free me from the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs, but rather me deconstructing the point and reverse engeneering it in specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myswlf to fear that if i do not have this girl that i will not make it out of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myseld for not allowing myself to realize and see that i became angry at the electric bill and company because i fear that i will not be able to make it out of the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself in a way to responsibilize the el ttic bill and company for me not making it out of the addiction to mastirbation and drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myseld to place responsibility in me making it out of the addiction to masturbation and drugs on others such as the girl and thwrefore i would fear losing her or not having her, because i am not placing or accepting complwtely the responsibility over my existence which includes the mess i have allowed myswlf to get myswlf into as foe example the addiction to masturbation to images and drugs and everything that it encompases and represents and signifies.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myswlf to live in fear that i am not enough to save myself and therefore i look for a saviour.

I mean, its okay to see others as opportunities but all in all it is to understand that ultimately i and i alone am the only one which will be freeing myself from my own accepted and allowed creation and its consequence; nothing and no one else will.

When and as i see myswlf becoming angry at somwthing and thus blaming it that things are not the way i want them or would like for them to be i stop, i breathe, i realize that this is an oportunity for me to potentially realize where i have not allowed myswlf to take responsi ility for my ecistence and so where i have accepted and allowed myawlf to separate myself from myself. Thus i commit myself to push myself to dare to be honest with myself more when i wxperiwnce reactions such as anger that something is not goinf the way i want it to, that i may be self honest and accept and embrace that i cannot blame anyone or anything outside of myself for myself (my self-existence) amd that blaming is allow myself to separate myself feom myself and thus to be incomplete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beliwve that i am not wnough to free myself from the addictiin to masturbation to images and drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in my mind as less than others and therefore i believw i need others to save me from myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize and understand that i am equal to everyone and everything else which means that yes i am able to free myself from my own accepted and allowed creation of ans as enslavemwnt.

If others can save themselves then so can i.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look in and theough leslue for my saviour and salvation instead of accepting and allowing myself to look at and for her as me being a man who will save himself and who is willing to share his self responsible and aelf honest and self forgiven life with another as with her.

I commit myself to push myself to see and realize and understand that i am my own saviour, my own creator, and i am not less than anything or anyone essentially so yes i can trust myself with myself and know that yes i am enough to free myswlf, i am more than capable, and so i will. And furthermore i commit myself to apply amd live this realization practically.