7/19/21 It is okay to masturbate

 7/19/21

Today i masturbated a lot of times and i was feeling bad about it afterwards. I was feeling scared cuz i was now awaiting my consequence, like tomorrow experiencing more fear at work. But then i used my technotutor to make a few custom lists about how i was ecperiencing myself and what i realized and remembered was that it is okay. How could it not be okay? I dont mean that i want to stay in the pattern but that it is okay because nothing is personal. 

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to masturbate many times today.

I forgive myself that i acvepted and allowed myself to watch porn.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be regretful afterwarfs and even while i was masturbating.

I forgive myself that i did not allow myself to see that i was taking my preprograming personally.

I forgove myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my preprograming personally.

I forgive myself for judging myself that i allowed myself to participate in "the forbiden action" and in that judging myself like "how dare u hiram! You shall now be condemned!".

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be like a religious person who follows an authority out of fear and in that not allowing myself to understand things for myself.

I forgive myself for beLIEving that falling into masturbation to porn is bad, in that allowing myself to split myself into polarity, when it is just what it is, neither good nor bad.

Now that i look back i remember when i started masturbating at about 13 years old i would not feel bad about it at all. But then when i started masturbating anally like at 15 years old i started feeling bad about it. Its funny or ....just like wow that for example i used to skateboard a lot and do dangerous stunts on my skateboard and when i would anal masturbate i would later on while i was skateboarding preforming dangerous stunts feel or think that i am probably going to fall really bad and hurt myself because i have bad karma because i did somwthing bad by anal masturbating. And i mean, as a little boy i grew up being very homophobic and so to me it was very bad to anal masturbate.

So here i am seeing how i messed myself up by seeing it as bad - which comes with shame and guilt and fear that now i deserve something bad to happen to me. 

When and as i see myself judging myself that i masturbated or checked out a girl, i stop, i breathe, and i realize that its okay. Its okay to fall. Its gonna happen. I sure as hell am tired of feeling guilty and ashamed and scared that i have masturbated, its fucked up living this way. I commit myself to push myself to realize that its okay to experience whatever i do come to experience as in that i dont need to judge myself amd that self judgment is like a box ive been trapped in which in a way is not real. It is to be trapped in polarity.