7/31/21 my "ex" caught me

 7/31/21

Some years ago i was homeless. One time i was walking by the sidewalk, next to a street. In those moments, minutes, maybe hours, i was feeling very fightened, paranoid, panicking; as i was afraid that others could tell i would stick objects up my butt and pretend i was something like a woman. Now, i had been doing that around those noments, i mean wether earlier that day ir the previous day. And so when i do that to myseld there is a fear that comes with it afterwards where i think it shows by the way i walk. So i guess its like having my great shame exposed.

So i was walking and i was somewhat paranoid. But when the panic and i guess like petrification, in a way, hit me hard was when i was going to walk across a street where there was a car just there in stop mode as it was waiting for the red light to turn green, and i was going to walk oassed the car, right in front of it, as it was facing me. That caused or triggered extensive fright within me. So i was walking pases the car pased the street and so my panic attack hit me, and as usual, when my oanic attack hits me what happens is that the very extent of my fear manifests that which i fear right there and then, meaning that me fearing that my sexuality, however messed up it may be, shows, ...me fearing it will show in the way walk and move causes me to actually walk in such a way that it shows, or so i believe and perceive.

So there i was freaking out as i was walking passed and .....well actually ....when i was walki g passed or starting to walk passes, i mean i was already quite frightenes, but then i turnes my head to look at the car and i saw there was a girl in that car who i used to be "in love" with, whom i didnt talk to anymore, but i had sort of dated her some time ago, and so when i saw her face in the car and i saw her just staring at me what happened is that i experienced my panic attack skyrocket. So that means my experience of shame skyrocketed in that moment. My body became a lot more stiff and in shock and had a more rigid motion. I was like a robot going haywire breaking down; thats how i experienced my body and mind in that moment.

Eventually i had walked pased completely and that car had gone its way and was no longer around; but i was like "OH, MY, GOD - THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!". 

An interesting question would be (or is) - why was it such a big deal for that that girl in particular saw me like this? In such a fucked up state. Is it some kind of extensive fear of loss? Or was it me seeing a reflection of my own self-shame? What is it that i feared losing in that moment? And whatever i did fear lossing - why did i fear losing it? What did lossing that particular point mean to me deep down? What did it really or can it really reveal about who i am as what i am accepting and allowing? As my accepted and allowed existent self-relationship.