6/25/21

6/25/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being happy, to fear feeling fear, to fear experiencing a panic attack.

I forgive myself for not doing whatever i need to do to bring about an equal money system on earth as heaven on earth where all life as one and equal is honored fully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myaelf to ignore all the starving children and animals being slaughtered and tortured cruelly and all beings suffering in this world.

I forgive myself for only caring about myself thus isolating myself and not considering others whom in reality are just like me because they experience themselves and are alive and are life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my guilt of not doing what is best for everyone including myself by ignoring it and ignoring the world to instead wallow in my own ashamed isolated bubble of only 'my life'.

 6/24/21

6/24/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes which has caused me guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stubbornly hold on to my personality and in that i suffer and am in pain because .... i see my image of myself being shattered before my eyes and i am desperately trying to hold on to this personality idea of myself.

I commit myaself to push myself to find the courage and self honesty in me to allow my image of myself to shater before my eyes as the shell from which reality can be born.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stubnornly hold on to the fear and concern of my image being shattered as me having a panic attack wherein i am exposed as far as what i have accepted and allowed to exist in/as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having a panic attack, for example when i walk up the slope or when i walk in general or etc.

I forgive myself for giving in to resisting what must be faced.

I forgive myself for judging what must be faced instead of seeing it for what it is here.

I commit myself to push myself to face myself as to accept and embrace my self image to die so that a new me can be born from that.

 6/22/21

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in embarrasement and shame that i accepted and allowed myself to suddenly ask Leslie if she was interested in having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i accepted and allowed myself to ask Leslie if she was interested in having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i did something bad or wrong by asking her if sdhe was interested in sex when i do not clearly understand why it was really such a bad thing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that what i am seeing in relation to what happened and how im judging it as this messed up thing is just really just me seeing a reflection of the self judgment that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear of loss and participate in it when is it really even nesessary for me to fear lossing the opportunity that i believe to have of eventually making this girl i experience feelings about my girlfriend?

Even as i write this i experience a resistance to letting go of the fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear being honest with myself about limiting myself through fear of loss.

What i see is that this whole idea of feeling like shit because i believe i did something wrong is comming from fear of loss. I mean, i dont think that wanting to be with that girl and liking her a lot or even feeling love about her has to be wrong or bad but that its okay if its supportive, but why must i exist as fear of loss?

I commit myself to consider what i am accepting and allowing myself to do by accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of loss as fear that this girl will not be my girlfriend some day

6/21/21

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be such a nasty human being which showed when i messaged Leslie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be full of envy and jealousy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be full of hatred and self judgment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be full of envy and jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i am a human being full of envy and jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow in shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow in embarrasment and also in guilt.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to wallow in shame that i asked Leslie very suddenly if she was interested in sex even though i dont know her that much, showing a very nasty characteristic of envy and jealosy wherein its like what is under those words as the envy and jealousy is that i want to take her happiness away from her for myself. And her well being.

When and as i see myself judging myself for how ugly and nasty i became inside, i stop, i breathe, and i remember what a girl once told me some years ago - that no matter how extensively and bad i messed up in my life and no matter how much people i affected by this, no matter how much of a disgusting mess i made that i just have to forgive myself for it and let it go and move forward, no matter how extensive or bad or nasty my mess was. And thus i commit myself to push myself to forgive myself for how nasty of a person i have become every time i catch myself getting caught up in self judgment and shame and guilt and regret and etc about it

 6/20/21

Today I decided to message Leslie in the morning saying to her "hey are you interested in having sex". Initially i felt proud of myself because it felt like it took some guts for me to take the risk in saying that to her. But then she didnt reply back and later on today i saw that she had unfriended me and my messages were no longer going through.
I feel embarrased and ashamed and even guilty about what i said to her. I feel ashamed and embarrased because i think i said something that was not cool to say. I mean even though to me personally it doesnt seem like it has to be such a big deal to someone if i say that to them, but i think that for her she in some way really did not like what i said to her. And i feel guilt because i to an extent think that i did something that was morally fucked up and trully unkind when it is seen for what it really is. And so i feel ashamed also because i think i said something which is in reality fucked up as in what is really behind my words, even if i am not fully aware of it, and therefore i think i said a nasty thing because im a nasty and disgusting human being who deserves contempt. I think this girl is really smart and wise and i think she picked up something behind my words that she saw is really ugly and nasty and disgraceful and therefore she cut me off (or at least it seems like she did). And when i look at this this way what comes up is that how i think she judged me is a reflection of how i judge myself because i feel ashamed for what i have judged as disgraceful and nasty and ugly and deserving of contempt and even revenge within myself. I mean, i have felt this way about myself deep down for years already. I hate myself and therefore i see it reflected in others hating me too.

Ive also been scared of returning to work and seeing her there.

But in a way i feel grateful i said that to her because it feels like i took a step out of my comfort zone and shyness and fear to an extent and allowed myself to take a risk to be to an extent more straight forward with her instead of beating around the bush.

But i also feel ashamed of myself before myself and before her and anybody else who can see how nasty i am inside wherein the way i would describe it is that im like this shark desperately and needingly trying to feed off of and devour people. So now i think that she hates me.

And within all this i notice how my mind is a rollercoaster going up and down and up and down. First i see myself and what i did and feel good and then i like change my mind and i feel bad and i go back and forth.

I have also been feeling sad about this. And worried that i might have lost my opportunity to be with this girl whom i feel i am in love with. I see fear of loss here.

I am also afraid that since she has a high rank in the company i work in that she will try to have me fired as a way of expressing the contempt that i believe she feels toward me now. This is also fear of loss.

 6/19/21

I forgive myself for feeling ashamed that i asked Leslie if she was a nymphomaniac.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i accepted and allowed myself to ask Leslie if she was a nymphomaniac.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrased when i saw that Leslie replied to me asking her if she was a nymphomaniac with "damn hahaha".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless and insignificant and even pathetic when i messaged her the question of whether she is a nymphomaniac and she didnt reply for hours and also when she replied "damn hahaha".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as i judge myself as if there is something wrong or bad about me that is worthless, insignificant, and pathetic and a disgrace, and stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid that i asked Leslie if she was a nymphomaniac.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself and judge myself as stupid that i allowed myself to ask Leslie if she is a nymphomaniac.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that i did something wrong and even foolish in asking Leslie if she was a nymphomaniac.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i made a mistake in asking Leslie if she is a nymphomaniac because she didnt seem interested in replying to me and when she did reply to me she laughed and therefore i am a loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myaelf as a loser, a pathetic worthless insignificant stupid foolish loser.

I forgive myself for judging myself as a pathetic worthless inaignificant stupid foolish loser because Leslie didnt seem interested in me because i said something worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a pathetic worthless insignificant foolish stupid lame loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind or block myself from seeing myself for what and who i really am (objectively) by judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrased, ashamed, and upset as a reaction to how things went between me and Leslie as far as how i judged or perceived the way she replied to me, and in this i did not accept and allow myself to see myself and the situation for what it really is in simplicity.

When and as i see myself reacting to what happened today with Leslie i stop, i breathe, and i realize that i am not seeing the situation and interaction for what it really is but rather seeing the veil of my own mind. I commit myself to push myself to start seeing reality for what it really is objectively instead of blinding myself from seeing what is really here through emotional judgmental mindfucks.

....what i am seeing right now is that there is a connection between how i reacted today as far as the situation with l
Leslie and even how she laughed in her reply and with my experience of being laughed at extensively when i was a child in school and the trauma in relation to that that i experienced in my mind.

There was also a fear plus all the reactions i experienced today in relation to the situation with Leslie and it feels very similar to my fear (and even the rest of my reactions) from when i was extensively made fun of at school. I guess i never really trancended what i experienced back then as a child.

 6/18/21

Today i messaged Leslie on messenger. I asked her if she was a nymphomaniac. lol. After seeing that my message wasnt going through i started feeling ashamed of myself and worthless and insignificant. I assumed she put me on ignore or muted me and i started thinking that she isnt really as into me as i had thought before. Then some hours passed and it was nightime and i was starting to feel a bit sleepy, enough to just go to bed soon. Then i saw she had messaged me back. She messaged me in spanish but what she said would translate to "damn hahaha". What i noticed which i found interesting was that as soon as i saw that she had messaged me back i was suddenly not feeling sleepy anymore and i experienced excitement. I was feeling like if i were to go to bed in that moment i would not be able to sleep. Although along with the excitement i felt ashamed. This came along with self judgment wherein i felt pathetic and worthless. And embarrassed. I also felt insignificant. And upset.

 6/18/21

6/18/21

I fear today being at work. I fear the experience of walking up the slope at the entrance of my job while others especially Leslie or other girls yet even guys watch me. I actually also fear the thought of such experience as it is the thought itself that triggets this experience of worry and fear and concern....fear of loss, fear of exposure, fear of rejection, fear of judgment and so forth.

I also fear the experience or the thought of the experience of walking before other people at work and experiencing fear and panic that i walk like i am some kind of faggot despicable faggot.

I also fear experiencing and also the thought of experiencing having the sensation that i want to shit but for whatever reason not being able to or in some cases not allowing myself to and thus experiencing that discomfort of not being able to just feel relaxed in my body as a smoothness to its flow of expression and being.

These are the main things that worry me.

I also fear sounding dumb when i speak especially but not only when i speak to Leslie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and worry about walking before the other people at work today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will look like some kind of faggot to the girls as Crystal, Leslie, Naomi, Natalie, Maria and the others when i walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be terrified at the idea of walking up the slope while Crystal's truck is parked right in front of me facing me and her and the other girls hanging out inside before work starts will just look at me and be turned off by how i walk like some faggot and notice how fearful i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing the several panic attacks that i might experience today at work before other people and even by myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so worried and fearful afraid of what others at work think of me and whether they admire me or not.

6/14/21

Today i reacted in anger towards my mother.
I stayed at my mothers apartment with my sister and my son. My mom said she was leaving for the night and she would spend the night with her boyfriend but that she would come back early the next day so she could give me a ride back yo my apartment. I had told her initially that i preferred to not spend the night at her apartment because i needed to be back at my apartment early to do chores and to gwt ready for monday as i got to work early. Initially she told me she would be back till 5pm and thats when i told her i couldnt stay at her place overnight because i had to be back at my apartment by 2pm and u dont have a car. Then she told me she would come early at 1pm to take me to my appartment.

When the time came today she did not show up and was ignoring my calls. I reacted with anger and rage and i wanted to be vengful and start breaking things in her appartment and i started sending text messages to her cussing her out.

Then i tild her eventually that my son, who had stayed with me at her appartment, was having a seizure and tgat i didnt onow what to do, to see if that would get her to come back to the appartment. Then she came back to the appartment a few minutes after that and we started arguing with eachother each blaming eachother and judging eachother.

I see that i allowed myself to feed my own shame because deep down i understand that u am responsible for whatever happens in my life because i accepted and allowed it.

I was aware of this but also what i experienced was me not wanting to swallow my pride and accept that i accepted and allowed tgis situation to play out in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towatds my mother as i blamed her and judged her that she did not keep her word and didnt care that i had to be back early to ny appartment on sunday to do chores.

I forgive myswlf that i did not accept and allow myself to accept that i was really just frustrated with myseld in essense because i am not content and satisfied with who i am and the relationship of self sabotage that i have accepted and allowed myself to have with myseld and the concequences thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to not take that moment where i was reacting as an opportunity to grow in integrity by accepting and allowung myself to face myself in that momwnt by bringing the reaction back to myself and not spewing my shit on other people, and thus having an intimate moment with myself.

When amd as i see myself getting amgry with my mim because she does not keep her word and i start judging her i stop, i breathe, i realize that i am thw one in charge of what my life is and what i come to experience and also i realize that in this moment i have an opportunity to be intimate with myself and thus take a step in the direction of me facing myswlf and being reaponsible for myswld. I commit myseld to work on not accepting and allowing myswlf to project my own feustration onto others by stopping myself.

 3/23/21

recently there has been times where me and my girlfriend get into arguments over the phone and often when we argue (by 'argue' i mean that we angrily get into a fight verbally) she will tell me to 'shut the fuck up' or call me a 'faggot' and i will get offended by this.

when she calls me a faggot its like i get upset and offended because i am angry that she is not allowing me to keep my lie as my inflated ego which doesnt like to be called out. what i mean is that i do consider myself to an extent a faggot and that i get mad just because she points it out. and by 'faggot' i dont just mean it in the sense of someone who is a homosexual but also in the sense of someone who is not humble, basically. or someone who hides from themselves as giving in to fear. or someone who has fear within themselves.
i also get offended when she tells me to shut the fuck up. its weird because by her telling me to shut the fuck up, i mean, its not like she is really doing anything to me. so its weird that i would make it a problem as in getting offended when its not really doing anything to me.
its like if when she calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up i react to my own self judgment - which those words are triggering in me and bringing out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as becoming offended when Patricia calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up. its like i get offended because its like in a way i am being exposed. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react by getting offended because in a way a part of me is being exposed which i judge and so i become angry.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as getting offended when Patricia tells me to shut the fuck up or calls me a faggot because she is exposing for myself to see a part of myself which i judge and dont want to see. I forgive myself for allowing myself to get offended as me getting angry because i want to live in a lie as self dishonesty but when patricia calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up she is exposing myself to myself as what is existing inside myself as my self judgment and self deception which i do not want to face and sort out and change and therefore i become offended and angry as a defense mechanism of me as the ego. i realize that i get angry because i want to have an inflated ego and when someone calls me out and/or brings my self-judgment out i get angry and offended because it gets in my way of me inflating my ego, and so i get angry because to an extent it gets in the way of me lying to myself.

 3/18/21

Today i went to go get a a hair cut at a haircut place. The barber who was gonna cut my hair was a man, a black tall old man.
So he started cutting my hair and i was not satisfied with the way he was cutting it. So when he was nearly done with the haircut i asked him if he could cut it shorter. In that moment when i asked him, or even a bit before i asked him, i experienced fear. I feared asking him.
What i see is that i feared asking him to cut it shorter because i feared that he would get upset at me for not being okay with how he cut it. I feared he was going to get angry. And thats also the reason why i didnt just tell him "i need u to cut it shorter here and here", but instead i said "can you cut it a little bit shorter right here? Is that okay?" with a timid tone of voice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear about asking the old tall black barber man if he could cut my hair shorter after he was nearly done as i feared that he would get upset/angry at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the barber would become upset and peoject his upsetness/anger towards me by responding angrily and in non compliance and critically to my request/question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the barber would react angrily when i asked him if he could cut my hair shorter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i feared that the barber would become angry towards me if i asked him to cut my hair shorter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i feared the man would get angry at me.

I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fear my uncomfortability of asking the man if he could cut my hair shorter.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that the man was gonna get angry with me.

I realize i mindfucked myself with my own thoughts and ideas. The guy actually turned out to be nice towards me.

I realize that i judged that man that he would be mean and bitter even though i didnt know him.

I realize that me judging him as mean amd bitter even though i didnt know him amd me fearing he would be angry towards me is like a fear i have of being vulnerable.