6/14/21

Today i reacted in anger towards my mother.
I stayed at my mothers apartment with my sister and my son. My mom said she was leaving for the night and she would spend the night with her boyfriend but that she would come back early the next day so she could give me a ride back yo my apartment. I had told her initially that i preferred to not spend the night at her apartment because i needed to be back at my apartment early to do chores and to gwt ready for monday as i got to work early. Initially she told me she would be back till 5pm and thats when i told her i couldnt stay at her place overnight because i had to be back at my apartment by 2pm and u dont have a car. Then she told me she would come early at 1pm to take me to my appartment.

When the time came today she did not show up and was ignoring my calls. I reacted with anger and rage and i wanted to be vengful and start breaking things in her appartment and i started sending text messages to her cussing her out.

Then i tild her eventually that my son, who had stayed with me at her appartment, was having a seizure and tgat i didnt onow what to do, to see if that would get her to come back to the appartment. Then she came back to the appartment a few minutes after that and we started arguing with eachother each blaming eachother and judging eachother.

I see that i allowed myself to feed my own shame because deep down i understand that u am responsible for whatever happens in my life because i accepted and allowed it.

I was aware of this but also what i experienced was me not wanting to swallow my pride and accept that i accepted and allowed tgis situation to play out in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towatds my mother as i blamed her and judged her that she did not keep her word and didnt care that i had to be back early to ny appartment on sunday to do chores.

I forgive myswlf that i did not accept and allow myself to accept that i was really just frustrated with myseld in essense because i am not content and satisfied with who i am and the relationship of self sabotage that i have accepted and allowed myself to have with myseld and the concequences thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myswlf to not take that moment where i was reacting as an opportunity to grow in integrity by accepting and allowung myself to face myself in that momwnt by bringing the reaction back to myself and not spewing my shit on other people, and thus having an intimate moment with myself.

When amd as i see myself getting amgry with my mim because she does not keep her word and i start judging her i stop, i breathe, i realize that i am thw one in charge of what my life is and what i come to experience and also i realize that in this moment i have an opportunity to be intimate with myself and thus take a step in the direction of me facing myswlf and being reaponsible for myswld. I commit myseld to work on not accepting and allowing myswlf to project my own feustration onto others by stopping myself.