3/23/21

recently there has been times where me and my girlfriend get into arguments over the phone and often when we argue (by 'argue' i mean that we angrily get into a fight verbally) she will tell me to 'shut the fuck up' or call me a 'faggot' and i will get offended by this.

when she calls me a faggot its like i get upset and offended because i am angry that she is not allowing me to keep my lie as my inflated ego which doesnt like to be called out. what i mean is that i do consider myself to an extent a faggot and that i get mad just because she points it out. and by 'faggot' i dont just mean it in the sense of someone who is a homosexual but also in the sense of someone who is not humble, basically. or someone who hides from themselves as giving in to fear. or someone who has fear within themselves.
i also get offended when she tells me to shut the fuck up. its weird because by her telling me to shut the fuck up, i mean, its not like she is really doing anything to me. so its weird that i would make it a problem as in getting offended when its not really doing anything to me.
its like if when she calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up i react to my own self judgment - which those words are triggering in me and bringing out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as becoming offended when Patricia calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up. its like i get offended because its like in a way i am being exposed. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react by getting offended because in a way a part of me is being exposed which i judge and so i become angry.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as getting offended when Patricia tells me to shut the fuck up or calls me a faggot because she is exposing for myself to see a part of myself which i judge and dont want to see. I forgive myself for allowing myself to get offended as me getting angry because i want to live in a lie as self dishonesty but when patricia calls me a faggot or tells me to shut the fuck up she is exposing myself to myself as what is existing inside myself as my self judgment and self deception which i do not want to face and sort out and change and therefore i become offended and angry as a defense mechanism of me as the ego. i realize that i get angry because i want to have an inflated ego and when someone calls me out and/or brings my self-judgment out i get angry and offended because it gets in my way of me inflating my ego, and so i get angry because to an extent it gets in the way of me lying to myself.