6/20/21

Today I decided to message Leslie in the morning saying to her "hey are you interested in having sex". Initially i felt proud of myself because it felt like it took some guts for me to take the risk in saying that to her. But then she didnt reply back and later on today i saw that she had unfriended me and my messages were no longer going through.
I feel embarrased and ashamed and even guilty about what i said to her. I feel ashamed and embarrased because i think i said something that was not cool to say. I mean even though to me personally it doesnt seem like it has to be such a big deal to someone if i say that to them, but i think that for her she in some way really did not like what i said to her. And i feel guilt because i to an extent think that i did something that was morally fucked up and trully unkind when it is seen for what it really is. And so i feel ashamed also because i think i said something which is in reality fucked up as in what is really behind my words, even if i am not fully aware of it, and therefore i think i said a nasty thing because im a nasty and disgusting human being who deserves contempt. I think this girl is really smart and wise and i think she picked up something behind my words that she saw is really ugly and nasty and disgraceful and therefore she cut me off (or at least it seems like she did). And when i look at this this way what comes up is that how i think she judged me is a reflection of how i judge myself because i feel ashamed for what i have judged as disgraceful and nasty and ugly and deserving of contempt and even revenge within myself. I mean, i have felt this way about myself deep down for years already. I hate myself and therefore i see it reflected in others hating me too.

Ive also been scared of returning to work and seeing her there.

But in a way i feel grateful i said that to her because it feels like i took a step out of my comfort zone and shyness and fear to an extent and allowed myself to take a risk to be to an extent more straight forward with her instead of beating around the bush.

But i also feel ashamed of myself before myself and before her and anybody else who can see how nasty i am inside wherein the way i would describe it is that im like this shark desperately and needingly trying to feed off of and devour people. So now i think that she hates me.

And within all this i notice how my mind is a rollercoaster going up and down and up and down. First i see myself and what i did and feel good and then i like change my mind and i feel bad and i go back and forth.

I have also been feeling sad about this. And worried that i might have lost my opportunity to be with this girl whom i feel i am in love with. I see fear of loss here.

I am also afraid that since she has a high rank in the company i work in that she will try to have me fired as a way of expressing the contempt that i believe she feels toward me now. This is also fear of loss.