11/1/22

 Some weeks ago I became fearful as I was walking and I noticed that my left leg was..... it feels as if though the blood is not circulating very well in it, compared to my tight leg, and so that I it is not as readily mobile as my right leg. I associated this with the idea that I have atherosclerosis which was deliberately manifested in me by alchemists. I related that to that my death is coming.

At the moment I feel once again my left leg feeling a bit like numb and less readily mobile and yes there does exist within or in relation to that the reaction of fear which comes up. Also despondency/dejection as a loss of hope. Also grief, grieving upon my misfortune. Mourning the apparent or perceived loss of my life/ my existence / having to go through some unimaginably tough, painful, gruesome experiences in the afterlife for an unimaginably extensive amount of time and most likely ceasing to exist in the process.

Inexperience a resistance in forgiving myselfnfor accepting and allowingnmyself to attach and connect fear to my leg feeling somewhat numb and not so readily mobile like it's not getting enough blood flow to be in a normal state of functionality.

Another point is coming up of that I am constantly judging everybody in this bus in my mind, thinking badly about them as in criticizing them, hating them, judging them, angrily.
At the same time I think they judge me, well at least some of them, and if they knew my darkest secrets then possibly all of them would judge me. It's interesting to think how would everything be, who would I be, if everything of me was exposed in the open for everyone to see. Who would I be then? What would change?

I am still experiencing resistance to doing self forgiveness with thoughts such as "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing".

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge the man in the bus as gay and thus as a disgusting fearful betraying selfish faggot, based on how I interpret the way his legs were positioned and the look on his face.
Yeah there is resistance still and I think that I am not confident that that self forgiveness that I just did, that I really meant it.
....is it self judgment that I am experiencing ad this resistance? That all this hatred and judgment that I am experiencing towards others is really the judgment and hatred that I have towards myself? As well as the fear as fear of myself?
....

I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge that man in the bus as a despicable faggot.
.....

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that people don't like me, as I realize that it is not possible for others to not like me because if they think they don't like me they are actually projecting their own dislike of themselves onto me because they don't understand how to deal with such a point effectively, and thus for me to believe and think others don't like me is to agree to the self deceptive self separation humanity is existing as at the moment.