10/31/22 self-support

 I forgive myselfnthat j allowed myself to masturbate to psorn and images in an extensive way, where I masturbate for many hours obsessively.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to exist in reactions towards and as masturbatiin to images and porn jn an obsessive manic extensive way where I don't have a will it seems.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to put myself in such a situation where I masturbate obsessively to porn and kmages for hours and hours and j judge myself as bad, as fucked.
I forgive myself for judging myself creating a vicious cycle and judging myself for finding myself in a vicious cycle stuck taking it personally.
I forgive myself for judging myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a situation and existencebfor myself where I find myself where I have been stuck in a vicious detrimental cycle of masturbatiin to images and reacting to it with guilt and self judgment.
I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have ended up in this cycle of self harm self destfuction.
I forgive myself that j have been stuck in this self destructive or detrimental cycle.

One thing that comes up with this cycle is the despairing idea that it socks for me because I am dying so ..... that I have lost my chance to stop and change my life as that... that even if I stopped is too late for me to have a better life because it's too late at this point because I'm most likely going to die soon inevitably so I missed my chance to quit masgurbatiin and create a better life for myself that I can live in and as for years and years to come.

And thus, what now? What is there to look forward to now as a purpose? Well there is to live for common sense unconditionally, where this, at least to some degree, is not about trying to avoid manifested consequence bit about standing for and ad common sense as self honesty. That changes things, because common sense is in this way not driven by fear but rather an unconditional meaning of life.

How can I support myself to bring about a life, what's left of it, where I can stand as this staring point? .....by continuing to be aware of my breathing as often as possible.
And what comes up in relation to that is that I am already far into the point and consequence of and wherein there is not, or at least seems/appears not, to be anymore common sense left in me, meaning that if I didn't fear consequence I would just endure in my addiction, where that is all that matters to me. But a other way to look at it is to look at my life in its totality, where besides the consequence of the afterlife which I have been told or warned about, there are also consequences that affect my life regardless of if I believe in the afterlife or not, such as my social anxiety, my disfunctionality in this world, where I am not able to completely abdicate responsibility for my life 100% because I have to make sure I put food in my stomach and have some kind of protection from environmental factors such as the weather, for example that I have blankets and a place to stay in. And so I am proposing to push myself to realize a common sense that is not merely driven by the Fer of the afterlife. A common sense which is the meaning of life when I look at life in it's totality. ....although j don't experience myself as having faith in this because as I said, I will probably just not care and try to hang in there as much as possible as I have when I was homeless where my life was about fulfilling my masturbatiin to images affection and doing the bate minimum I had to to stay alive, and just bearing the burden of such a life.
Another proposal is to do a lot of tt, as much as is possible, I'd say preferably in some session a day. If I can step up my tt use to 2 hrs and 30 min a day or even to 3 hrs a day that would be very supportive for myself I think. At this point in my life I think that that is the most supportive thing I can do for myself.