11/2/22Understanding the Nature of MyGreatestFear

 Some minutes ago I was experiencing myself as relatively stable. Then I walked into the bus and there was some feat but not to the point of panicking. Then once I paid and I started walking to the back I decided to let my feet dragg and stumble a bit, which is something that I tend to avoid out of fear of looking 'ass fucked gay, which I decided to do out of confidence. And so I did that and as I did that I experienced that my feet got a bit stuck, it seems because of the texture of the floor on the bus, and so my feet didn't dragg as smoothly as I wanted them to, ot simply I experienced a reaction of panic, a relatively unexpected one. And I experienced shame, embarrassment, feat, anxiety, nervousness. So I experienced a shock. These things in relation to fear of others knowing my classic ol' secret - that j get it up the ass, that I like to get fucked up the ass.

And then afterwards what came up in my mind was that I started experiencing fear at the thought of walking into and through my workplace and of the same kind of experience happening in there before my boss.
Furthermore, an observation I made was that, when I walked out of my apartment today to go to work I was experiencing myself as being in a relatively good mood, and I noticed that my walking was somewhat loose, which tends to happen sometimes when I anal masturbate, especially if I do it extensively - yet I was relatively more stable than a lot of the time within that, where many times if my walking was loose I would experience panic in relation to that. So within this I realize or take into consideration or am compelled to deduce that it's not so much whether or not it shows that I anal masturbate, but more the relationship that I have towards that. Meaning that if my relationship to that is for example one where I judge it as myself as bad and react within guilt and shame and fear and regret, then yes such nature is detrimentally consequential. But if there is no guilt or shame or regret or fear or judging it ad myself as bad/wrong = then if it does show noticeably it's not something that is such a terror/horror as I have been experiencing it to be for many years now, where I feel ashamed and guilty and thus fear others knowing and so I regret it cuz I judge it as myself as bad.
So fascinatingly enough, and seemingly concisely enough explained, my greatest fear has nothing to do with others but instead has all to do with the accepted and allowed nature of the relationship I have towards myself.