So I stopped masturbating about am hour ago after having masturbated for like 2 or 3 days extensively.
One thing that I see is an excuse is that it's so much easier to just masturbate. I mean that sometimes I am masturbating and I don't stoo because I fear what I've gotten myself into and so it's easier to just remain happy and entranced masturbating to images.Also I feel I intimidated to stoo because when I stop my health starts declining, my feet start feeling numb and my heart starts feeling numb from the back. And this scares the living shit out of me. And so these are things i use as an excuse, that I don't want to see what I've gotten myself I to as the consequences that start manifesting when I stop. Even though consequence has become something that I see manifesting even while I masturbate, as consequences have been manifesting to a degree or in a way where it's like they are not somwthjngni canbget away from as much as I used to. But when i stop masturbating to images they became more.
I have acknowledged that maybe if I allow myself to masturbate without images asbmuch as I want to in whatever way I want to that perhaps the consequences will not Manifest as much as when I stoo masturbating so often where I go several days without masturbating. But I have not applied this, and yes I have just given in to masturbating to i.ages because I feel addicted to it meaning that I experience the desire and decide to not care and to just give in, just because i want to.
So today I I side myself experience an extent of hopelessness that I can direct myself because I see that I keep going back. I won't care and will just like turn my back on what I define as real and as self support and knock the awareness that I have of there existing consequences to my actions out of my awareness. I'll forget about that for a while while I indulge in masturbating to images.
And so yes I still experience myself as frightened and as despair as becoming possessed in/as paranoia. Amd it sucks because what I see or interpret is that I cannot really move in reality, mea ING that everything I tell myself that I am going to do or change or the realizations that I come to which I perceive in that moment as opportunities and like signs or realizations as that I see opportunities opening up and that thus I have a chance of changing and feel or experience myself as like assured that I am going to change or that I am currently changing, those things it seems eventually un a short period of time become nothing in reality, where it seems to me that j am just living in my head and am unable to connect with reality as in that I am not able to progress practically. And with this there is frustration that I experience as I see that I cannot get out of my mind and really change.
In my mind I think that maybe I am going to keep losing touch with reality more and more the more I stay isolated where I actually don't have any connection to anyone and live alone. I have thought of going back to live with my mother and sister, if they would even agree about letting me back it, but in my mind then I think that then I will not be able to practice masturbating to the physical without images every day which is something that I want to try out and see how it works for me. Well it's a part of me that has wanted to do that. The part of me that sometimes considers reality and actually being honest with myself. That part of me I experience that I separate myself from a lot when I allow myself to indulge in masturbation to images, especially when I do so extensively as I did these past few days. I realize that in a matter of a few days of extensively falling, which is not something that I had done to the degree that I did in a while, I have become like swept by the mind as 8nto my preprogramming, where I was swept away from reality and my sense of responsibility and integrity and self honesty and these things being applied in a practical way. So it's like I lost myself extensively for these few days.
So I'm not certain about going back to live with my family to perhaps have at least a little bit more contact with reality as I have to interact with the beings there because it's their apartment and I can't just do whatever the fuck I want as I do in my apartment where it's just me.
...well, I do think that it is very likely that I will continue to fall into masturbatiinbto inagesbpretty much every day. And thus it does make sense to give it a try to see if I can get to go live with my mom and sis once again as I had been a few months until about 2 months ago. It doesn't mean that it will work, but it does make sense that I can give it a try and see if is helpful or not.
Last time I was living with them I was a lot more stable and punctual at my job and ever since I left I have been absent often.
I don't even trust myself that I will go through with this point which if I'm honest with myself, in spite of the resistance I experience about it, is common sensical.
I am actually able to come masturbate as often as i want to to my apartment and then go back to their apartment almost every day. It's just very uncomfortable living there and putting up with them, which is really myself that u have to put up with, and it sucks that I feel scared of when j have to walk from the entrance of the apartment whether I'm going back or leaving the apartment and being scared of the instability and panic and nervousness and all that shit that I experience about the idea and fear of others I'm those apartments seeing me walking and that maybe they see that I'm what is referred to as a faggot. I also fear that my sister and her friend will kill me because they represent the west coast. And that is another point which it's like, why should I just ignore that. Because many people representing the west have caused me mental and physical damage, whether they tried helping me with a double edged sword and instead of using their help I abused it and thus experienced the consequences of how I treated their energy, or whether they intentionally specifically only wanted to cause me harm because in their eyes I deserve it. Obviously there is a risk in being exposed to such people, but there is also a risk with staying here in my apartment living alone. Both are risks where if j am wrong it will most likely mean my death. One difference is that with going to live with them again it is very stressful and uncomfortable, jt doesn't feel good, so yeah it is very uncomfortable and painful jn my mind, whereas staying alone in my apartment is more comfortable in the sense that I am not exposed to other people and I can just masturbate a lot to images, which perhaps it makes sense to say that it is to hide, which means to hide from myself. But it is also painful because I see and experience that I lose touch with realitybextensively and that I am always busy masturbating to images and I haven't stopped.
So, I need to be self honest about this and perhaps even re-evaluate it or continue to look at it and try to come to a self honest decision about what is best, weighing the pros and cons and swing what is best within common sense.
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