11/3/22 The solution of simply changing mybstarting point and the implications thereof

At the moment I am experiencing myself as feeling depressed, and somewhat exhausted, and well I did masturbate to picture images where I took a few big hits of tobacco and held it in and stuff and I wasn't breathing while I masturbated.

I think that my depression could have in fact a lot to do or something to do with my exhaustion, plus the dopamine spike downer from drinking a bottle of coke. Although I also feel that my life is meaningless. I mean, I have masturbated so much today, on and off. And then maybe also the same sounds/songs I keep hearing repeatedly on tik tok.

Earlier today I also felt depressed, and I felt that way after I masturbated. And what also was present when I was depressed was that I was feeling exhausted, which it seems that the exhaustion has a lot to do with the hits of cigarettes that I take. I mean I have seen how it exhausts where before taking the hit ill be jumping on whatever is in my ass and I wont be all exhausted, and then after I take the hit I will stop because I'll be exhausted. And it's not like hitting the cigarette in the way I do like really turns me on. I just get a rush that's lasts a few seconds and I feel my body loosen up, but then it's gone right away.
So I consider that my depression can be from a combination of all of these factors. Because yes when I look at it I do ask myself, how is my life even meaningful? Although that is something that needs to be looked at more perhaps when I am not feeling so exhausted. How do I create deep meaning in my life? What is meaningful in/about life? Why do I feel depressed? And then well yes I wasn't breathing, and I'd say the less aware I am of my breathing the more meaningless my life can get because I will get more caught up in and lost and possessed in and as the mind because I am not grounded here in reality.
Masturbation is so addictive, but I think that it could be meaningful if it's done in moderation, but not if it is consuming my life the way it has - then it becomes meaningless.

Meaningful I'd say would be to live a life where i eventually care about all life equally and take responsibility for this reality/existence in its totality. First starting with myself. Caring for myself. Really taking responsibility for myself, practically.
At the moment what I see is that my primary purpose in life has been to masturbate, to experience the pleasure that can come with it, at the cost of my own life as I compromise it, and as I ignore the rest of existence.
Gian (and even others) has said that when you make life all about just you and your family that's when you get depressed and things become meaningless, and to thus rather live for everyone, to create what is best for all, even if it starts with just my individual existence initially.

And then also the point of going into my mind into an alternate make belief reality where I pretend to talk to people who are not even there, where I pretend to be hanging out with them, listening to music with them, joking and laughing with them, having conversations where I'm preaching to them, or even telling them off - i mean what the fuck. How is that meaningful in any way? How is that not something contributing to the experience of the state of depression I experience myself within and as?
To stop being depressed I'd say I have to live here in reality, being relevant to reality, even if I do die very soon, because whether I die tomorrow or in a week or in 4 months or a year or 10 or 20 years the principle from which to live from and as remains the same, and that principle is the meaning of life, the true reason for being, for living, what being alive and living is all about, what the point of it all is.
And thus I can see here with what has been said here that in continuing to make my masturbation to images addiction my reason and purpose for living I will continue to burn in the hell of the pain of depression. And i mean, it's like what the hell, because it's not like I can't masturbate, it's not like I'm going to necessary lose that. It means that my existence and purpose and reason for living and existing isn't going to primarily only revolve around that.
I do see that I want my life to be something more than just masturbation. I want to be able to interact and form relationships with different people. I want to have a partner. I want to transcend my existence in and of the mind as the extreme paranoia I have been experiencing and suffering from since like 15 years already (half of my life). I want my life to expand. I don't want to live in my little shell hiding. That's how I have lived for half of my life now. I don't want to live being in fear of everything. I don't want to live in fear.
Imagine having close relationships to people who are very intelligent and deep and that strive to go as deep as they can in life. Imagine not being ashamed of myself anymore. Imagine not existing within and as guilt anymore. Imagine meeting the people from self perfected and destonians in person.
I mean, the community is right there, but you have declared yourself as less than them and in that you have isolated yourself as you declared and decided that you were not worthy of them because you aren't good enough of a person as them. So you are saying you are not enough.
And within this I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise what is best for all in the name of a meaningless obsession and possession with masturbation to images, yet being it that I guess it's okay to masturbate as much as my heart desires to as long as I am not compromising my responsibilities. But no, what have I done? I have turned my back and thrown everything and everyone out the window to isolate myself with my relationship with masturbation to images, from a staring point of self interest, guilt, fear, judgment, regret. I mean I've been exacerbating and perpetuating these points of regret and fear and guilt and self interest and meaninglessness and self judgment and self pity and self hatred by accepting and allowing myself to become consumed with and by and as the addiction to masturbation to images as the nature that i have accepted and allowed of/as the starting point of the relationship I have created towards/with it.

This is fucking bullshit. I say this now as I realize that if I simply changed the nature of/as the staring point of the relationship that i have created towards it to one where I am not compromising my reality but rather standing as and living according to principles of common sense then things would be very very very different. Life would be a gift instead of a burden. You know, the burden of meaninglessness, regret, fear, Self hatred, self pity, shame, guilt, self judgment, etc. It just really seems unnecessary, especially because I think that life would simply be far more enjoyable and feel far more worthwhile and meaningful and fulfilling and complete and abundant and fun and interesting if I simply changed my staring point, wherein life can be all of this by simply not abdicating responsibility as compromising. It doesn't even mean I have to be perfect.
Lastly I want to say that if I expanded my life by/through changing my starting point to one of responsibility and the implications thereof which I have pointed out and acknowledged here, that I would not even want to masturbate to images in the way that I have for years and years, because I would not have a reason to, because I would actually love my life. There would be no desire for or point in doing so.