Envy, self pity, and seof judgment part 1

 8/27/21

I am feeling angry and jealous when i look at my feed on fb and i see destonians who are well on their way to rebirthing themselves as life from the physical and who also seem to be financialy stable as well. It angers me that i am not living in that way. It angers me that i am not financialy stable but instead under pressure when it comes to money. I envy or am jealous of others who seem to not have a problem about money as far as that they have enough money to not have to worry about it. I also envy other destonians when i see their pictures or videos and they seem to be quite healthy. I wish i was healthy as well but instead i dont know how much longer i have to live, my heart is messed up and i am certain that i have cancer all throughout my body.

So i ecperienced this reaction today after i allowed myself to masturbate to porn and having ejaculated. I then started looking through my fb feed and saw posts from sunette and a few others and i experienced anger and envy. I supose im really just angry at myself, like wanting to really kick myself in the ass for not stopping my masturbation addiction right away when i had barely discovered desteni about 13 years ago. And so there is also regret that comes with that.

Yes i envy that others are financially stable, or so it appears, yet, my financial situation wouldnt bother me if i was healthy and expecting to live many more years. I cant say i wont or i will, but more than that i supose what bothers me more is what i see that i do with my time while i am still here. I am pissed off that i masturbated to porn; because in the act of masturbating to porn i did not allow myself to care for and stand up (primarily for myself but also for others) for myself as who i am as life as my essential nature, and thus allowed myself to create more consequence for myself.