9/9/21 angry out of pride

 9/9/21

Some momemts ago i was in my ex gf Patricia's appartment(since im staying here a few days), and i was sitting next to here in a table doing technotutor. So i was making up my own deffinitions for words with appostraphes since the deffenitions arent programed into the tt program or software, then she said to me "why are you doing it like that? Youre not supposed to do it like that?" Then i said something like "yes i am. You dont know how to do tt." Then she started talking to me in a very serious manner, as if upset, telling me that why the fuck am i talking shit to her in her own appartment.

Previously before that happened i was acting silly and sort of sarcastically teasing her in somewhat of a mean way while being silly at the same time. When she started talking to me in a serious manner i knew it was time for me to stop my sillines, at least for a while, because otherwise things will end up where she ends up kicking me out of her appartment and we end up not being on good terms again.

So where im getting at with this is that i had been being like silly as in joking around a lot outgoingly, then when she got all serious i stoped. She started almost like lecturing me about what she didnt like about me telling her that she doesnt know how to do tt, in a bit of a harsh, but not too harsh, manner. In those moments what i felt is that a part of me was anoyed in a stubborn way. Im not sure how to describe what i experienced. ...i was upset or anoyed, but its like that upsetness or anoyedness was a way of me protecting/defending my ego. Its like if in those moments i became rigid within me and constricted out of pride or something like that. Kind of like if i would want to turn my face and not look at her in a very stubborn manner.

So its like if that stubborness in the way i experienced myself or reacted in those moments was protecting something ( which i already said was my ego). It seems like it is a resistance towards vulnerability. Im not sure what to call it but i felt rigid and constricted.

I forgive myself that i reacted when patricia got all serious with me.

I forgive myself that i pridefully became rigid and constricted when she started talking to me in a serious critical manner after i had been loosely joking around and laughing outgoingly right before that.

Its like i was anoyed after a few minutes of her crtically lecturing me, but only because she was challenging a part of me that didnt want to be challenged. Its like theres something in that which a part of me did not want to see, which interestingly implies self-judgment and fear.

I forgive myself for not realizing that i became anoyed and to an extent upset stubbornly at patricia critically lecturing me because she triggered something in me which i do not want to see because i fear it and judge myself for it.

In otherwords i got upset and annoyed because i resisted seeing my fear and self judgment.

So the question is what exactly was under that anoyance and upsetness which i resist seeing because i fear it and judge myself for or as it?