9/18/21 feared going to the restroom

 9/18/21

Today i was at the worksite i am working at the moment (which is a house me and a few other guys are doing a roofing job on). I was mainly there most of the time with just an old friend of mine as we were working on the roof. With my friend i feel comfortable because he knows about the shit that i fear others knowing which is that i enjoy anal masturbation, and even more than that he knows how i have had a porn or picture image and drug and masturbation addiction.

So, yesterday i anal masturbated with just my physical body and no images, and when i anal masturbate usually or often times the next day i feel sensitive in that area and i feel like i need to fart more and like i need to go number 2 more.

Where im getting at is that today when i was at the worksite when the subcontractor that we are working for in this job came to bring us our lunch and to chill with us for a while i felt that i needed or wanted to go to the restroom and just try and see what i can push out, whether its just farts or an actual shit ( which interestingly i oftentime experience as a feeling of arousal back there, but thats beside the point). So i felt like going to the restroom which was right next to where me my friend and the subcontractor named Ivan were sitting down beside a table, and i experienced fear of going because Ivan was there, because oftentimes if i anal masturbated my farts will just sound looser amd louder or ...im not sure how to explain it, but i feared that if i went to the restroom and i farted loudly that Ivan would hear it and assume or know that i indulged in anal sexual stimulation and i feared how he might react. Interestingly, i dont recall imagining in detail or specificity how he might react.

And so i experienced fear to the point that i suppressed myself by holding it in until some minutes later when he left the site.

When i was experiencing the fear when he was there i wanted to go in spite of the fear because i was aware that its bullshit that i have to live ashamed of myself, that fear is bullshit, but i didnt manage to get myself to go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myseld to fear going to the restroom to shit or just try and push my anal stimulation out when Ivan was there.

I realize i suppressed myseld into the mind in relation/as something which is not even real as far as who i am in/as what is best for all / oneness and equality as what is here.

I commit myself to walk a process of realigning myself with what is best for all / oneness and equality as what is really here.