2.2.23 paranoia of dying

 I forgive myself for falling into fear and worry of dying. I forgive myself fòr blindly believing as paranoia that i am going to inevitably die, i realize it is paranoia because i am interpreting my symptoms without knowing in fact if what and how i am interpreting it is really how and what it is in fact.i forgive myself for interpreting my symptoms as that i am inevitably going to die when i realky dont know that for a fact but rather i interpret it as believing it as paranoia.

1.28.23 seeing the reality of paranoia

Im feeling amd thinkjng that the bus driver is keepjng an eye on me because he doesnt like me or judges me or something like that. I think hes looking at me as if i am like a secual predator and so he has to be vigilant because i can abuse someone or something like that. I mean, i did turn to the side to look at a girl next to me, ljke on the side if me on the other side of tje bus several times. And now all the lights of the bus are off exept the light abjve me. Also i have been looking at videos of girls shakjng their asses kn ny phone and i am next to the window so i think it maybe is reflectjng on the window and others can see it.
So what i think is that this is paranoia, that km possessed seeing things and misinterpreting thjngs, and so that it is that i am projectjng externally what i am experiencing within myself as myself as the mind. For example i am the one who feels guilty and ashamed and jusged myself as this disgusting creel and so i think the bus driver and others are seeing me in that way but it is really i who is seejng myself this way. I see that i am making assumptijns as i interpret thjngs. I am asumjng others know j was watching videos of girls asses like a creep even tho i dont have any proof of that. I think the bus driver is keeping an eye jn me and is judgjng me even though i have no proof of that. Thus it seems that yes indeed i am projecting externally my internal reality which is about my relationship with myself, ny self judgments, because j have no proof that what i am perceiving in my mind is real. Thus it is made up jn my mjnd, because there is no connection to reality. Wow. 

1.20.23 understanding the mental incarceration of the paranoia behind the addiction to masturbatiin to images

 An insecurity that i have, which is something that i think can be keepjng me stuck in masturbation to images, is that i have erectile disfunction. So there is a fear of having sex with women, that my duck wont get hard. ...so, that is a point which is not a valid excuse to not have sex with others. Because behind that point lies my fear. For example my fear of disappointing girls. My fear of not being liked. My fear of feeling embarrassed and ashamed. My fear of feeling that im not good enough. My fear of being rejectes.  Etc. ...but, that fear is a paranoia because i dont really know that all girls will not want to be with me. Shit, there cpuld be girls, probably not all but still many, that would want to be with me despite my erectile disfunction. Shit, for all i know there could be girls out there who would kjve to have a chance at bejng with me. To believe that girls will not want me is thus paranoia. A paranoia where my fears and judgments hide/lie behind. A paranoia that has kept me locked in the mind; limmited. Like being in jail locked up.

This paranoia, behind it can be the fear/trauma of beingnhumiliated in feontbof others as i was in school and theoughout my life, which has stayed with me throughout my life as i have always since then fear others and felt like a loser.

....and thus i think it really is time to stop accepting and allowing myself to live so isolated believing that i am trash that i am not able to have something with someone, always making up excises for why i need to wait. For example thinking that because i anal masturbate to images of womens bodies that i have to stop that first before j can have sec with any women, even tho i do find women attractive and sometimes i see girls that i feel attracted to who i wish i would have sex with them in that moment or soon or some time. ...i mean, those excuses, resonjngs, and justificatjons are bull shit believes that are not based on objecgivity but rather on self judgment/self hatred. Objectively speaking i dont know that there is no girl out there that even with knowjng about all mh bullshit would still really desire/want something with me, for example in spite of my erectile disfunction.
Its interesting because i have been depressed and ljmmited thinking and judging myself thinking that i am trash, worthless, of no value, not likeable. Within this belief i have subconsciously/unconsciously created my reality jn such a way as to prove those beliefs and judgments and jnsecurities to be true and isolated myself only being sexual through masturbation to images. Furthermore it can be possible that sometimes stopping this addiction, which is this ideal that i have been trying to align myself with unsuccessfuly thus far, is not necessary in order to expand my life in beinging about in my life havjng asexual oartner or even multiple sexual partners. I see that it is a point withjn and as which i have accepted and allowed myself tk be locked up in the mind. ...yes i have actuallly experienced myself for many years as being locked up in the mjnd perceiving myself as unable to change, jnable to get out and expand my life. Its quite facinating seejng this.

1.10.23 guilt

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as guilt.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt that i alow myself to do self forgjveness even when a thought said i should listen to the gujlt audio to do it more effectively first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt that i think of listening to the audio first and then i think that that is not okay because i am not doing the practical action to release myself from the guilt as self forgiveness amd thus am not really practically dealing with the guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as guilt that i thought and wanted to do self forgiveness on guilt for another point right now and i also thought that that is bad and wrong because i havent cleared the point of guilt that j wanted to listen to the guilt audio first and also to do the self forgiveness on the guilt first.
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt that i thought about intentionally writting a commitment statement of c9mmiting myself to focus jn forgiving myself for guilt right now when i havent cleared the initial point of forgjving myself for guilt and thus i thought and felt guilt that it was bad and wr9ng.
I forgive myself that i feel guilt as i think and perceive that everything i do, even very small things, are all bad/wrong.

1.4.23 uncontitional perseverance

 Its upsetting and frustrating, as i am reacting this way, to seeing that i am and especially have been so fucked. That i wish i could just quit masturbating, fucking myself in the ass, but that without such experiences and the effect they have on ny body, i would die it seems. And then also seeing that others dont seem to like me. I mean that they will go so far as to actually attack me and attempt to murder me. I feel sad about all this. I dont want to die and end forever. Then again as i wrote that i see that all these reactions make no sense. Because what happens happens and thats simply it.

And the fight and fear for survival adds a lot of stress to all of this. The point of always worrying about money. Life would be a lot easier if money really was something i had no need of being worried about. I mean that it wasnt an issue.
And then feeling so diempowered and in that not trusting myself with anything or almost anything. I feel frustrated. I do not like my life. I hate masturbatiin to images addiction. My life, my mind has become very painful to bear. So there is the point of despair. And feeljng and thinking that im so extensively fucked that i cannot get out of this. But also that is the preprogramming of the mind to get me to submit, to give up, instead of persevering unconditionally. Persevering unconditionally makes sense. And thats why all of these reactions make no sense. Because they are pointless.

To persevere unconditionally is the point where despair has no reason to exist. Despair and other emotional reactions such as guilt and regret are forms of giving up.

I commit myself to push myself to persevere unconditionally realizing that emotional reactions such as self-pity, sadness, regret, and guilt are forms of giving up and that when i persevere unconditionally these reactions no longer have a reason to exist. 

1.3.23 on masturbation

Im feeling frustrated right now. As i am thinking that i dont know how the fuck things are supposed to get better for me.
When i masturbated there was guilt since the beggining as i saw that i was forcing my physical body into anal masturbation. My asshole would close and i forced it open as i fingered my ass and then inserted and object and it didnt feel okay as in that my physical body it seems was telling me "no". What can be different next time is that i dont act like just because it is not opening it means that it is not possible, but instead to aknowledge that to stimulate my physical body and get it to a point of expression and i guess eventually to a point of penetration with my physical body's concent is a process that takes time. So its to make sure i have a good like 3 hrs of time so im not in a hurry and i can take my time with opening up my physical bodys sexual self expression. Also i think its best to not smoke cigarettes or even drink coffee when i masturbate.
I dont know at the moment yet ......well actually there are benefits for masturbating to the physical which is mentioned in the masturbation series. One of them being more and growing stability, physical and mental/emotional.
So yeah it is to stop forcing my body when i practice masturbation to the physical. Also to not use images. Maybe to have more defined reasons for why i will and want to keep it physical, like that if i stay on it that very soon i will experience much more intense sexual experiences which it will not be detrimental to my body or mind, which is thus obviously a very big and convenient win.
In this process i am walking, where i dont know how tf im able to survive what is my karma, all i can do is in self direction move myself forward, progress. How things will be i dont know. But what im seeing is that i am very very very sick n tired of compromizing my integrity and existing in regret and guilt and fear. Just in standing up in integrity and living this way already makes a big difference. There is nothing good for me it seems in allowing myself to give into masturbating to the mind, just more pain and more regret and more fear and more guilt. Im really tired and sick of existing that way. Ive had enough pain.

1.1.23 sf

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tighten up my abdominal and genital or lower abdominal area in fear of lettimg it confidently loosen up and relax in fear of neesing to take a shit or release mucus from my ass/ anal region in fear of others being discusted with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge feeling and being all fucked as bad and wrong.
I forgive myself for.feating becoming exposed and vulnerable thus tightening and co tricring my lower abdominal region and suppressing my awareness and embodying of and as it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself in fear of rejection from others thus neglectjng and suppressing and oppressing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my relaxation and ease and acceptance and welcoming of my lower abdominal regions sponaneity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myaelf to fear shiting myself as if if othwrs found out it would be the end of the worls or the end of my world.
I fjrgive myself for acceprinf and allowing myself to feel shame for my nastiness or apparent nastiness, suppressing my creativity to handle whatever comes or is here in a way that is objecyively best.
I forgive myself for accepting amd allowing myself to fuck my lige up by ignoring that my actions/participatiins have consequences, wherein i become consumed and possessed in and with masturbation and anal masturbatiinbto images and trying to embody those images of womens asses while consuming substances ad an attempt to enhace my experience/indulgence and in that i extensively created consequences for my body and for my mind.

Fear of ahitting myself and letting my bowels loose and relax, n of smelling like shit. Sf 4 feeling ashamed of my bowels.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shitting myself.