1.3.23 on masturbation

Im feeling frustrated right now. As i am thinking that i dont know how the fuck things are supposed to get better for me.
When i masturbated there was guilt since the beggining as i saw that i was forcing my physical body into anal masturbation. My asshole would close and i forced it open as i fingered my ass and then inserted and object and it didnt feel okay as in that my physical body it seems was telling me "no". What can be different next time is that i dont act like just because it is not opening it means that it is not possible, but instead to aknowledge that to stimulate my physical body and get it to a point of expression and i guess eventually to a point of penetration with my physical body's concent is a process that takes time. So its to make sure i have a good like 3 hrs of time so im not in a hurry and i can take my time with opening up my physical bodys sexual self expression. Also i think its best to not smoke cigarettes or even drink coffee when i masturbate.
I dont know at the moment yet ......well actually there are benefits for masturbating to the physical which is mentioned in the masturbation series. One of them being more and growing stability, physical and mental/emotional.
So yeah it is to stop forcing my body when i practice masturbation to the physical. Also to not use images. Maybe to have more defined reasons for why i will and want to keep it physical, like that if i stay on it that very soon i will experience much more intense sexual experiences which it will not be detrimental to my body or mind, which is thus obviously a very big and convenient win.
In this process i am walking, where i dont know how tf im able to survive what is my karma, all i can do is in self direction move myself forward, progress. How things will be i dont know. But what im seeing is that i am very very very sick n tired of compromizing my integrity and existing in regret and guilt and fear. Just in standing up in integrity and living this way already makes a big difference. There is nothing good for me it seems in allowing myself to give into masturbating to the mind, just more pain and more regret and more fear and more guilt. Im really tired and sick of existing that way. Ive had enough pain.