Ranting 9n the experience of stress and depression

 9-7-22

i am experiencing stress. i feel it in my forehead, eyes, head in general, especially in my head. in my jaw and forhead. also in my neck on the sides and on my back on the uper side whereits connected to my neck on the sides by my shoulders, and in my chest and in my legs. so in most of my body if not all of my body but more i ste sely in my head and notisably on the forehead and then jaws.

i am also, well, the stress, i mean,yhere 8s also a degree of stress at being out here standing in front of a lot of cars for hours. and also i experience depression and i can actually remember that depression and stress as i have been experiencing them more recently these past few months often come together. some minutes ago i experienced an intense depression as i and after i was listening to a song by dido called thank you  and it says "i wanna thank you for giving me the best day of my life. ....just to be with you is the best day if my life". what came to mind woth that so g was i remembered or it reminded me of Patricia. its been a while since ive heard of her. this is probably the longest shes gone without trying to contact me ever since i met her and i side me and or my mind my head i sometumes think that i miss her and that i would have liked it if we could of been actual friends. and what i thiught in my head as the thoughts that i experienced were that i bet if Patricia were to relate to this song what she would relate it to would be yo her ex boyfriend and likely still on and off or mainly on lover Oscar. that she lived the best days of her life with him sharing certain moments with him and with that i think there is a degree if jealousy that comes up with that, where i to some degree want to be or know that i am the person she l9ves and has loved the most in her life. ....and as i was writing this a guy walked passed behind me and then i experienced a sudden unexpect twich in my body from fear, and this reminds me about what i was writing about i think yesterday that there is almost always, especially when i am 8n public, this fear present and also stress where my physical body is stiff in relation yo being scared of other people, of being jusged in a negative way by oyher people, in an unfavorable manner, even if i am not consciously aware of it since i supress it. and that this continuous state of fwar as social phobia that i experience every fucking day is actually affecting more than i realize. i mean imagine if everything in ur life was still the same expect for your social ancmxiety. i agine all if ir a great part of ur social anxiety was gone, how different would ur life be? would ur life, i. spite of the existing of other problems, feel far more at ease than it feels now? and if my life felt far more at ease than it feels now, wouldnt that imply thay i would be a lot happier with my life, that i would enjoy the experience of myself in my life a lot more, and wouldnt it imply that it would open up my mind a lot and even also my heart where i can vonsider possibilities which i could not gathom begore because i was very limited and constricted by the suppression of my social fears and phobias? well, i mean, i probably wouldnt even die if most of my social anxiety as panic attacks was gone.  because yeah it would obviously reduce an inmence amount of strain in my body wich is harmful to my body. so yeah i think my life would feel a lot  easier and a kot more enjoyable and a lot more spontaneous too. that would be very cool for me. ....i mean feom a certain persoective it makes some sense that i am fucking depressed because it seems that it would be a normal reaction to the state that my mind is in. in other words i can relate my state of severe depression to how i have given up to experiencing myself as as experiencing extensive fear and insecurity, panic attacks, and just socially feeling that i am very incompetent and just like less than everyone else, where i feel that i am not good enough for others to want to be my friend or want so ething with me. i mean shit of that type of manner. and this feeling thay i cant connect with anyone.  and all this shit is be8ng suppressed every day, i mean no wonder i am very impulsive in doing self destructive behaviours. 

....and yhe expwrience of depression 9s coming up again, along with hearing that song feom did where she says " i want to thank u for giving me the best day of my life". i feel that im left out of that. that i cant be part of that experience of connection that most people seem to have. and so its sad to hear those words. 

.....i wish i could talk to Patricia, but i fear she will try to kill me and just make it worse for me. so i spite of how much i wish i could talk to her its one of those type of things where in spite of how much i want to do it j just simply cant, no matter how much i want to.

and well, all in all i wonder how can i change my situation. if my death is psychoso.atoc/psychogenic then other issues are what i need to change, and what cones to mind as thise other issues are the whole not having social connections point. if it really is in our dna our primary reason to exist to connect and bond and belong and be part of, then it makes sense to say that i need to start connecting with others. and what came up some moments ago is that in spite of how i feel inside and how i see and perceive myself jn my mind (which by the way is an illusion) there are so many humans in this planet, in this city, that how can i say that i am not able to connect with anyone. isnt it that perhaps (even though i am disliking using the word perhaps lately) that perhaps the key to breaking out of my mental prison is social connection, that it is in the and phenomena of socializing and connecting with others thay all of my social issues come up? that therefore the fastest and perhaps only way to face myself is by actually going out there and connecting with others? because i mean, how the hell am i going to get anywhere, am i going to actually be able to change if i stay isolated in my own head where i am going in automatic cycles? how the hell do i have any chance or possibility of doing anything if i am living isolated? i mean i compare it to me trying grab a puece of food wwithout having any hands, so i can grab it per say. does this make sense? in otherwords that i have no access to really changing theough isolation. as i said, because the points which i am suppressing as far as social phobia i have access to dealing with those piints 9nly ir mainly theough actually practising and experiencing socializing and establishing connections and relationships.

...and well it sucks that my family as moyher and sister which are the 9nly people i have somewhat of a connection or relationship with at the moment are like discapasitated when it comes to forming connections to other people. 

...and so when it comes to missing oatricia and feeling like a void i side of me in relation to her, is it not that what i really miss is the opportunity to really connect with someone? and then i think " fuck she was a really good person for me to form a connection, i really like her as a person, and i dont see how or its going to be difficult to find someone with whom i can connect to the degree that i connected with her, because everyone is apparently so stupid and dead inside". and also because of how creepy i am that i think its very hard for someone to accept me. but within that statement, or those statemtna, it can be compared to a salesman who needs to go door knocking but is too stuck inbhis head in his thoughts and ideas and expectations and insecurities and dears and anxieties and self hatred to the point where he wont actually simply ohysically move himself and go knock on doors to meet and sell to random people, because he perceives it as an impossibility because he has within himself given up and given himself away to the wxtent of resistance he experiences in relation to the point.

...it somewhat like amazes me the degree to which it seems difficult to c9nnect with my sister and mother because of how closed off they are. but even in that i realize that i am actually accepting and allowing auch linitation. i mean, arent they also just doors that i am refusing to go knock on. i mean because well why cant or dont i approach them as if i was approaching anyone else with the intwnt to connect and with the conversation directed into that point/intention. i mean, no, i instead fuel the distantness between us by playing my part in the way that i do. i say and act in distant ways. i dont take the initiative in inviting them into such a point of a more deeper and real connection with the excuse that i they are too closed off and fucked in their head and stupid. that is my own limitation really. ...its of no surprise that they both lack relationships in their life. my mother has no relationships to anyone it seems. just her boyfriend, which is a diatant eelationship, us, and thats it. and my sister, well now she has a relationship with that girl and her approach seems a bit agressive as if she is aggressively going into this relationship because its all she really has. but, why stand there and judge their limitations instead of working with them and making the best out of it. it is more abundant to use what i have and make the best out of it than to judge what i have and thus reject it and then im left with nothing. facinating. and to say that they are fucked and i want people that are walking their process and not them, that again is to judge what i have and thus discard it instead of opening my mind AND HEART to seeing the value that can exist in them (mg family) and seeing what i can make out of it. because otherwise i am again left with nothing.

so okay, some aproaches can be like "hey hows your day been? what have u been up to today? and then opening up the answers to those question. i mean perhaps its great to get it to the point where the other pers9n is sharing their emotions, meaning talking to me about how they feel about what they are talking to me about. so its trying to get them to tell me about what happened in their day or in their life or has happened recently or some time ago and how they feel about it and why they feel the way they do. i mean, it could be cool to establish an emotional connection with for example my mom. and then eventually i can also share how i feel. i can share how i feel or my view about what they are talking about which they are sharing how they feel about or how i feel about things that ive.  experienced in my life, and in this way we can establish a connection and a growth in our connection of our relationship where we become closer. i mean, furthermore isnt that how one connects with others in general? well there is that and then theres also experiencing things together, and also talking about similar interests. ...AND SO WITH THIS SAID, I SAY THERE IS NO REASON AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT ESTABLISH A SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE ANYMORE FROM NOW ON BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED CLARITY ON HOW TO DO IT.