Ranting on the experience of anxiety and unease and unclarity

 9-7-22

i am experiencing this anxiety inside me. it comes with fear that i am experiencing unclarity, that i cant or dont completely see what is going on. and in response to this energetic experience i want to suppress it, because i am not completely clear of how to ho about this, of what is the besst and correct way to deal with it. so yeah i feel like numbing it by eating something like ice cream, or even it could be that even the desire to eat just more ordinary food could be that, although at yhe same time i dont want to starve myself and i have been exercising my body more than usual and so it seems logical and comon sensical that i ought to provided with pkenty of nitritional sustenance.

i see that there is this anxiety attack or panic attack that is inside me that i am experiencing it, but not a fullblown panic attack, but a less intense version of it. well actualy it is not completely mild. i mean its like an anxiety within which i feel a close potential to becoming an anciety attack, a fraking out at and as the experience of feel8ng lost within the energetic m8nd experience of anxiety. and its uncomfortable and i feel inferior within it , i mean inferior to it. and so i feel that i want to avoid this. 

.....so some minutes ago i ended up eating some food. there is the uncertainty of whether it was a bad thing to do or not necessarily because well the body does depend on food for nutrients. i still am experiencing this uncomfortability that comes with a lack of clarity of exactly what is going on and or of how to handles myself, how to adress and go about how i am experiencing myself. so yes if theres a word i can use to define how i am experiencing myself its 'unclarity'. the experience of anxiety seems to have gone down a little bit after eating, meaning that after eating i do experience a bit of a heaviness within my body; but, the anxiety is still there. and it seems to have a direct relationship to this experience of unclarity.

....initially today i felt that things started off not so good today because i had little time to get everything i wanted to get done in the morning before coming to work. but even before that very soon after i woke up i remember that i experience the fear of death coming up. and actually before i went to sleep yesterday or even as i went to sleep yesterday i was experience this fear of death, this feeling unsafe fearing as i thought i can actually die of a heart attack tonight. i mean often it happens that at night i am aware that or think thay the heart attck while im asleep is coming and it IS going to get her and happen and i dont k ow exactly when and so i experience not going to be feel safe and experiencing unease withkn myself at what i perceive as the fact that i could go through the experience of a painful sudden and possibly dissapointing experience of a heart attack tonight, so its like my mind aknowledging that its not all safe but that something very bad could happen very soon.

and so i went to sleep experiencing myself that way and i woke up experiencing myself that way and now that i rember iwhen i woje up and experiences that fwar of death it came with this unease and instability and thus inside nyself there was this like restlessness that i wasnt comfortable and that i couldnt or wasnt stable or able to be stable and calm and at a sufficient degree of inner peace as stability. another way of saying it is that i wasnt or couldnt calm down and be relaxed and at ease because i experienced myself as feeling deeply bothered by this experience of fwra if death. and i mean, this fear of death experience tenda to be an experience that paralizes me. i become paralized as i feel to bothered and disturbed within myself and scared by the idea and experience of fear of death to want to do anything but just stare at my experience in dismay. and so to put it i to words its this ezperience that i experience when i allow myself to give in to becoming paralized that is the same experience that i was bothered by.

and so yeah i woke up feeling this way. there was this like depression and or diappointment and like the opposite if enthusiasm about this experience of fear if death. 

also with this experience what i have been experiencing today and i think also other days when i experience this experience is that i feel that i am off touch with myself, that i am not being myself, that i cannot find my self expression, that the way that i am acting is an act, like playing a part. 

and so this is a description of how ive been feeling today. and now i feel irritated.

all 8n all i think the mind is trying to destabilize me in order to have me surrender to it as an emotional experience and in that control me, and that to a degree that is what this experience is about - to have submit to its control, to enslavemnt