looking at problems vs suppressing them

9-10-22

the more i look at whatseems to be my inevitable death, yhe more i can come to terms with it as in process it and find or create stability within and as thatpoint.but when i drift off for too long into things which are irrelevant, in otherwords the more iignore it = what happens is that it eventually comes to my attention and then it is in that moment more difficult to process the point. it sounds like suppression, how when u forget and ignore a point it eventually finds a way to come out and with an accumulation of energy it becomes charged up with as it is suppressed, which gives the mnd consciousness system more power and control over me. (the mind controls a human with energy. it eventually when it is extensive enough possesses the humans mind and he starts to believe the thoughts that are coming up and yhere he goes, controled into submission). firthermore, one suppresses energy because (whether it is defined or undefined) nder the illusion as the beliefthat one cannot do anything about it, it is a giving up and giving into the mnd stating that one is inferior to the minds energetic experiences. o0ne believes that it is too much.

so the pont here us that i realize that its best to not forget where i stand, to not allow myself to be oblivious. i do not enjoy necessarily the experience of it suddenly hitting me, because it feels as that i forgot and got cozy and felt safe in confort and then when it suddenly comes to my attention i become overwhelmed and shocked as i think "of fuck, no, im not ready for whats coming0" and i go into fear possession.

best to. ot forget or be oblivious to my problems because only by look8ng at them can i do something about them, onlyby being and remaining aware if them can i best process them. yes there might be a valid greyarea within this meanng where i dont necessarily require or is best for me to be aware of it all the time and its okay to forget one in a while. but that is questionable. and the thought that came up about that is that i will be too scared to live as i have experienced before, but that is not necessarily accurate because i have also seen how it is from being aware of my problems that i am able to process it even though its difficult and painful and i can open my mind and come to terms with it best by eventually looking at it objectively enogh and or finding courage within it, which is like finding the light at night "entonces quieres ver una luz en la noche, buscando na razon para un corazon echo pedasos".

....and just an extra note of a question that came up right now - how often do i find myself suppressimg the experience of wanting to shit, suppressimg my vowel movement? it happens alot pretty much every day, many times multiple times a day, sometimes and even often many times a day.its interesting because me suppressing my vowel movement goes hand in hand with what i experience in my mind im suppressing of my mind. for example i suppress my vowel movement because i fear others knowing what i had to do to myself in order to have a reason to fear my shit. and i just had a cognition right now that if i fear my shit and my rectum and anus as the state that they are in, doesnt that mean that there is a lot of fear energy embeded physically within those areas? because it does feel that way. and so things then thus seem like or that they have been standing eight in fron of my face very simple and obvious yet i have just not gone there. yes it is like my biggest fear and/or/as resistance to face that point and to do what i have to do. whch means to dtop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my vowel movement, which i am terrified of. ...i mean yeaj its a loint that is unconfortable and terrifying, it is what i am hiding, that i am scared and resist hman social interaction and connection for. so the questiin is, what is the best solution in yhis situation/point/issue? well perhaps it would be good if i could talk it out witha therapist. not that i need to wait for that to be available but yeah another persons view of this would be helpful because i can see a view of someone else that is outside of my minds ideas and believes and thoghts and backcjats, and emotions etc.. so this point 8s facinating because it looks that i have an opportunity of access to a very major point, which means...i mean, if i could sort this out and stop suppressmg it and really do what is best as the best solution i can nderstand for this point, that would be a buge weight off my shoulders it seems. and thats also where there is a lot of frustration and self hatred as i hate existing this way and i really wish i could be free from this issue and formy shit and shitting and the state of my anus and ass and rectum and shit to be just normal and ordinary like most people. it is extremely anoying and there can also be jealousy and envy attached to this point. so, yeah the question is still - how do i deal with this? an idea that comes to mind is to flash frases and qiestions about and in relation to this point until i get to a point where i process it effectively and thoroughly enough to realize the solution. and its interesting because as faras i see - is it that i am suppressing this physical and mental fear and reaction through/by deriving pleasure from that energy, that fear energy?

.....so, i fear letting out and letting flow my vowel movements and whatcomes with it (physically and psychologically), and when i suppress myself i deliberately stimulate myself to experience vowel movements and it feels good when my shit is coming out while im fucking myself. then as soon as all the shit is out it sometimes doesnt feel so good anymore or i dont feel so naturally driven to fuck myself anymore, because the energy is released. and, well i look at it and i see that that which i fear is what i end up getting pleasure out of. ifear taking a shitwhenwver i feel that i want to take a shit, but then j deliberately stimulate myself to feel pleasure in taking a shit, exept that, well i derive pleasure in isolation in doing that which i fear to more or less experience publically or openly. so i hide the fear and hold on to it. ...it can have a lot.to.do.with my stress too.