Memories haunting my present

 9-6-22

so, i did an exercise where i deliberately went into a memory with an emotional charge that was suggested on the suppression audios in the atlanteans series. so i was in this memory for some minutes, and i experienced the emotinal reaction as i went into this memory which i have been reacting towards here and there every time it ever comes up in my mind for years. this memory is where i went to try and visit and give something to a girl i used to date who wanted nothing to do with me. i feel so stupid for going to see her in the way that i did. i was all high on pills and i made up this tupid cheap gift for her and i mean i feel thay it was ridiculous and when i remember it it affects me somewhat intensely. now, after i when into this memory for some minutes and then stopped, a few minutes passed and i noticed that this emotional reaction of regret that im gonna die and yeah that whole emotional show that i have been going into almost every day and which i wrote about yesterday, it started to come up. now, this is in the morning where i woke up, i did a good session of thechno tutor, and im on my way to work and i feel fresh and ready to try and have a good day. so my point is that i lo9k at this is it comes to mind the question of or the consideration or contemplation of - is it that all these emotional reaction... that all these suppressed memories with emotional charges attached to them are actually what is behind these intense emotional reaction daily episodes i experience which i feel that i dont have up to now control to stop them from happening over and over again? and i mean if i can put it in a more general form, that its all these memories which are suppressed and have these emotional charges attached to them, that they are still living and playing out in me and in my life even if i am not aware of it, and that they are coming out in one way or another, and that these memories, which are plenty, are why my life is so fucked up as in why my experience of myself in my day to day life is so fucked up.

 ...because, i forgot to add that the emotional reaction experience that experienced about the memory felt similar to the emotional reaction and narrative about ofh fuck im gonna die why why. similar enough for me to realize that they are of the same emotional charge.

i find this quite interesting. becaus ethat means that if i can get myself to start releasing the energy charges feom these memories, to the point where i ca remember them and no reactions are coming up about the anymore, that i can realy start to ease up my experience of myself.

.....fuethermore, what i am seeing is that deep down i side of me am still reacting to the experiences of my past as if they had just happend earlier today or yeasterday or even just now. so yeah, all that shot which was traumatic for me in the past 8n those days when it happened and i experienced myself in a certain way which wasnt nice, all that shit deep down on deeper levels of my mind i have always been experiencing it.

these points are points that i am aware that they ecist within me but that 8 have for many years suppressed and to an extent ignored because yhere has been a kind of giving up that has take pkace inside of myseof in relation to such points as i have not been able or effective at transcending them and so i have given up like saying "i cant deal with this so i am going to forget about it"....these experiences really affected me back then and they are still affecting me now. every day i can see my past childhood trauma playing out, but i have just accept it as "this is how things are and i cant change it right" so i just experience the experiences and always to some degree attempt to suppress them. i see that these things are so automatically suppreßed that i dont consciously see that i am suppressing them every day even though deep down i am aware that i am doing so.

every day i experience my body becoming stiff. every day i experience i tense shocks in my mind and body. and it is always about feeling afraid of others, social anxiety. fearing that i will be attacked by others. i mean its always related to that. i am always afraid and very self conscious about how i move, what i do, how i speak. and this shock, i can also call it stress, fear, etc has become very extensive in my day to day life, to the point that it feels that i am burning in hell in my life and my mind . ....and its why i very often tend to feel that others are laughing at me/judging me..... i mean, the particular trauma experiences i am talking about are the bullying that i experienced as a child/teenager. the way that i reacted to the bullying, the way i felt, is something i am still experiencing to this day.

....so i was thinking asking myself where did my fear come from. as i notices again that every time my heart aches it is automatically accompanied by the energy emotion experience of fear. what came up is that i remember than when i was a child i started to experience paranoia as fear that a monster was going to kill me after being exposed to movies or shows that fall into the genre of horror. and now in day i suffer from an extreme case of oaranoia and fear.