9-5-22
so today not much time ago i started going into these automatic emotional experiences where i start thinking that i regret not doing things differently and in a bettter way in the times which are now as they say 'the past'; the opportunities that i now see that i had and i as they say "wanna kick myself in the ass" for not using them to my real benefit. ive been feeling overwhelmed. and i mean, ive been feeling overwhelmed in the sense that i am writing about it now for like half a year. actually maybe for longer. i mean, life has been overwhelming for probably most of my life. even though i spent a bunch of time sedated and numb consumed and gone in the experience of masturbation to picture images on drugs, there was always moments where i would experience panic attacks which was not nice. and so more and more the overwhelmingnes has been getting more extensive and seemingly inescapable. and now since about 6 months ago i got to the point where i lost hope the most i ever have in that i can actually make it to life(eternal life). what i have perceived as my worsest fear or worsest nightmare for ablut a decade now f8nally came true/manifested. and im talking about that since six months ago my hearts health go suddenly so bad that i dont have any hope left that i can actualy somehow turn everything around and rebirth myself as life here on earth anymore. ..... i expected to die since like april and i am still alive. and, as strange or bizarre or absurd as it may sound to some people, when i stop masturbating my heart starts to worsen fast and it gets to the point to where if i hadnt masturbated i would have already have died of a heart attack. i mean, i did stop for a month and my heart was getting very bad to the point i didnt think i would live another month. but eventually i started masturbating again and my health got apparently or seemingly better. the symptoms started disapearing. and so my theory is that when i stop masturbating all the energy which i have been suppressing in my lower body as in my genital area by not letting it rise up by masturbating constantly and ejaculating, all that energy starts riaing up and that energy, as some put it - because of karma, as 8n that i created a very toxic energy - it is an energy that is fatal to my heart. well something like that. anyways, what ive been thinking is that i cant stop masturbating anymore because i will just die, and so that i have to find a way to make the best of it that i can, meaning that its best to not just use that as an excuse to just masturbate to my hearts desire, but that i should only masturbate as much as is necessary and no more than that.
anyway, i have been experiencing these intense overwhelming emotions that .....well i see that i am experiencing these automatic cycles inside me of emotions and thoughts. and its gotten very overwhelming. the regret i experience almost every day is extensive. and well this point of i had opportunities to change but i abused those opportunities and now i am at a point where my death has become inevitable - how i experience myself as reacting in relation to that is really really bad. it feels like my mind is burning in hell. and it doesnt stop for the most part. its every day. and well, i have realized that its more about what i am experiencing inside of myself as the enotional and thought reactions than about the actual fact that i am going to die. in otherwords what i am experiencing i side myself is what is making my life hell. and to this day i have not released myself from this automatic cycle of reactions.
i look back and i think that when i was with my ex girlfriend patricia i had a great opportunity to life there and that i missed it. we actually got to a point where we were living together for some months and eventually i left because thi gs got very toxic between us. its been about 2 years since i left her and went to live on ny own and so yeah i kives alone and i spent a lot of time alone and i went into the point of drugs and masturbation to inages extensively. and now i find myself living with my mom these past about 2 or 3 months because i disnt want ro be alone. and so i regret that when i had the chanse to have my own family as my wife and my son and had the chance to have a decent paying job, and when my health was still not at a point where it was necessarily something thag it was too late to turn around. i mean i could have been a distributor and walked an agreement with patricia and we couldve both been using techno tutor and i could have also learned some really good things from her.... i missed all that. i guess i can probably say that i threw all that to the trash, those opportunities. and so i regret that i didnt so things differently, or i just regret that things didnt happen differently. i wish i would have been more open with her and accepting of her, because like fuck she was so in love with me it seems, and she wanted wverything with me. but now eventually we became enemies and i dont think she could ever forgive me and stop wishing and hoping that i die. she is the one that eventually fired the kill shot at me, the lethal blow. she is an alchemist, a witch, and k ows how to use my karma against me and deliberately murder me. and she did. she said some of the shit that i did was just unacceptable. she said that i sucked her dry. and that shit when i think about it i think it sucks really bad and i become overwhelmed with regret and self pity and stress and worry/fear and victimization. overwhelmed to the point that it feels like im burning in hell i side of me. i mean, the emotion that stands out when i say that i feel that im burning i. hell seems to be stress. the stress has gotten to the point to where it feels like there is some toxic chemical running theouhout all my body. and so, well, to just remain a victim to these automatic emotional reaction cycles, well, i dont want to accept it, it is unacceptable, i cant continue this way. and the question is how can i change it?
what i can do is to continue studying these emotions on eqafe, and also to continue doing sf every day, but i stead of just doing it in my mind to do it in actual writing and in a more structural way. and that, i dont have to expect results right away, but that the results might start to show after a while of consistant application. and well if its been .onths and im still alive and i have been consistent in my application then i can turn to cerise or andrea and show them that i have been consistent in my writing and applying the tools and that i havent been able to free myself, or even just ask them to reconsider them allowing me to do dip and have a buddy again. and well, also i want to say that it would be cool if i could be remain focused on what im doing and not u ecessarily distract myself and spend time on bullshit.
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