experiencing fear as i think my death is near

8-2-22

so i think that my death is very near now because of how my heart feels. i often am feeling that my heart or the arteries near my heart get tense amd stiff like if they become hard and put mflexible and it comes with like a shock, i mean a physical shock which i mean i guess yes it also includes a psychological shock as i react in the mind. 

and, well i react tk thos with fear and some worry. i think that i dont want to die yet. that i want more time. that i want more time and that i want to experience myself as learning more, reading more, expanding myself more. umfortunately i mean i had years and years and i stead of developing myself as a creative self expressiin what i accepted and allowed was for myself to be and become consumed by amd as the addictiin to masturbation to picture images and not to mentiin obviously also a lot of fucking doing drugs. over and over and over again. i mean, there fucking was time. a lot of time. fucking years. but like, well i got lost in that shit. or i deliberately accepted and allowed myself to get lost in that shit, perhaps simply because that is what i decided that i fucking wanted. but then again its said that nothing is personal and even that the mind as ego can take out even the best amongst us. and thus i mean i think now that and as i am writing this that one reason, if not THE reason, why I'd be reacting to this poimt of "oh my god im gonna fucking die" so much, so extensively, is because i am accelting and allowing myself to take this shit personally, as to say that i. going to have this such fate because i am a very bad evil pwrson, which is a bad thing, and well you know, because im a bad person because i dared to not care and that is ao evil and this i dont deserve to exist or have life because i am soo so bad. but isnt that a judgment?

and i mean i even think and perceive in my head as the mind as the ego that everybody hates me because i. this very bad being, and that apparently i thus always want to hide because i feear others judgments being cast upon me. although it is said that thats freaking bullshit because it really has nothing to do with others, bit that isntead i am just reaction to my own mind as the judents that i exist with and as, thay i am my true adversary. and as i write this i expwrienced a reaction come up in me of like "omg fuck i am so fucking blind to yhe evil that i really am", and i wonder or ask myself like - what the fuck? - isnt this a self judgment? and its like there i go again taking this shit personally as if this is a ounishment for me being evil and thus reprehensible, punishable.

and its like well fuck its frustrating the thought that i cant foegive myself in absolute brutal sepf honesty and that if i try to fake it till i make it that i then experience the partially fake self forgivenesses damaging my heart as this forced feeling of positivity suppresses my negative emotions. i mean that how its been, the sf, it comes i think woth fake positivity that i try to force upon myself. and i was and am writing this what came up is that perhaps if i were to actually accept and allow myself to give myself the chance to not accept and allow myself to fake the self forgiveness at all no matter if it took me days or weeks trying to pull out/create even just one self forgiveness statement that is actually self honest, where i am completely certain of myself and of that its actually absolutely self honest completely, then maybe then that self forgiveness statement would not have such daging effect on my body and especially heart. i mean that i make sure that i. certain that i am thus not suppressing myself as being fake. (and wow as i write this what came up is that being fake is actually also the same as suppressing myself, and thus to unsuppress myself as to not accept and allow myself to continue existing in and as suppression is acgually to be real.) ...i mean, when i look at it i see that i acgually did not accept and allow myself since years and years ago to be patient enough with myself to acgually see to it that i actually pulled a REAL self forgiveness, i mean, i could have been very patient ad to have the patience to try and try and try even if it tooke days or weeks OR EVEN MONTHS!! and instead i just wrote a bunch of what seem to me as fake self forgivenesses. evn in my personal pruvate interview my beingness told me to not be too/so hard on myself and to just forgive myself for real.

.....and so what i see is that i have not avvepted and allowed myself to use all these years i had( over a decade) to develop myself as a creative self expeession, to expand myself as this, but that instead i accepted and allowed myself to go crazy masturbating to picture inages on drugs, fucking evolving my masturbation to the mind, over and over and over again day after day, week afyer week, month after month, year after ywars, over and over for over a decade and now i sometimes look at myself and im like " what the fuck!? what the fuck happened? what tue fuck happend to me all these years(,which as been the majority of my lifesoan so far)? " . and what came up some moments ago is that basically i have been busy for all these years(well for most of my life actually) just SUPPRESSING MYSELF. and thats why it feels like " wow wow wow what the fuck ive just been gone consed in this demon possesed state which is fucking so insane!!! what the fuck!!??? like, WHERE THE FUCK WAS I ALL OF THIS TIME!!???". 

and thus with what i have written here, what i would like to apply as a self commitment is to not accept and allow myself anymore to do anymore fake self forgivenesses at all whatsoever. and to if possible every day spend some time working on my self forgiveness application even of it takes me a long time as even months for example (even though i dong fucking expect to be alive for more than a few more day or a few more weeks, i mean i could even end up dying tonight or tomorrow or in a few minutes, i dont know). but the point is to not accept and allow myself to do fake self forgivenesses anymore as in in other words to not accept and allow myself to suppress myself with self dishonest fake self forgivenesses anymore, but to have the courage and thus the patience to not accept and allow anything less of myself but self honest real self forgiveness. and thus i mean if my sf application is no longer a self suppressiin then i think it should damge my heart but acgually that it should do the opposite of that - that it should actually be an act of me moving myself to face myself, to not suppress and ignore my darkness, my self hatred, but to face it, and to in this develop certainty.